MLP: FML
by Maniac92
Summary: A parody of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Bitter bookworm Twilight Sparkle has gotten kicked out of her cushy life in Canterlot and is forced to learn about friendship. This will not end well. Rated T for strong language, cartoonish violence, suggestive humor, and bad jokes.
1. Kicked Out Of Canterlot

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

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**Chapter 1: Kicked Out of Canterlot**

A purple unicorn laid down under a tree, pulled a book out of her bag, and started to read:

_In the beginning, there were two immortal sisters who ruled over the land of Equestria. The older raised the sun and while the younger raised the moon. They both loved their subjects and ruled in harmony._

"LUUUUUNAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screamed a voice.

The younger princess sighed as she lifted herself off her bed. She crossed her room and opened the door for her frantic older sister.

"LUNA!" screamed Princess Celestia.

"What is it, dear sister?" asked an annoyed Princess Luna.

"It's horrible! It's terrible! It's...it's..." Celestia paused for a moment to think of a word to accurately describe her horror, "It's almost _Cupcakes_-level bad!"

"That bad?!" asked a now horrified Luna.

"WORSE!" screamed Celestia.

"Then what is it?! Did Discord get free? Are the Changelings attacking?"

"No! It's...it's our subjects!" said Celestia.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Luna. "Is it an outbreak of Cutie Pox? Are they trying to set up a democracy again?"

"No! They're just talking!" screamed Celestia.

"Say it isn't so! Not tal-" Luna paused as her brain registered what her sister just said. "Wait. Talking? Why is talking so bad?"

"Because! They're...they're talking...to me!" Celestia said dramatically. "They just go on and on about their problems and they all expect me to actually care about them! Why do I have to fix their problems?!"

"Um..." began Luna, "that's sort of what a princess does."

"WHAT?!" yelled Celestia. "If I had known that, I would have just let Discord keep being in charge. Or at the very least, I'd have saddled you with dealing with all of their stupid problems."

"Well, you didn't." said Luna, who was back to being annoyed. "And listening to the subjects' complaints is what a responsible ruler does."

"But I don't want to be responsible!" whined the older princess.

"Tough. If you didn't want to deal with it, you shouldn't have insisted on being in charge." said Luna. "And besides, the sooner you listen to the common ponies' problems, the sooner they'll leave you alone."

"Fine! I'll go and listen to their stupid-dumb-stupidly dumb problems." Celestia turned and walked away. She mumbled under her breath, "I never get to do what I want to do..."

_Over time, however, the younger sister began to grow resentful of the fact that everypony seemed to love her older sister more than her._

Princess Luna was in her room; playing her Pony-Station. Princess Celestia poked her head in and asked, "What are you playing?"

"Oh, hello sister!" said Luna cheerfully. "I'm just playing _Hoof-Life 2_. You play as Gordon Freepony and-"

"Yeah, great." said Celestia. "Look, I have some good news. I'm cancelling production of all video games franchises except _Call of Pony_!"

"W-what?" asked a horrified Luna.

"I know! Isn't it great?" asked a blissfully unaware Celestia. "Anyway, I've gotta go. I'm heading to a party held in my honor! Try not to go crazy from jealousy while I'm gone, 'kay? Kisses!"

Princess Celestia left the room while Princess Luna stared after her in horror.

_Eventually, the younger sister went insane from jealousy and became...NIGHTMARE MOON!_

As the sky grew dark, Nightmare Moon flew into the air and screamed at the terrified citizens of Equestria, "THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU JUST GAVE ME _HOOF-LIFE 2: EPISODE THREE_!"

_With no other option, the older princess was forced to use the Elements of Harmony to banish Nightmare Moon to the moon. Feeling great regret, the older sister hid the elements and vowed never to use them again._

"Well this sucks." grumbled Celestia. "First Luna goes coo-coo for Coco Puffs, and now I have to hide away the Elements. And _Call of Pony: Modern Warmare _was sold out!"

Celestia looked up at the moon in the sky and sighed. "Well, at least Nightmare Moon's gone. Maybe a year on the moon will calm her down." Celestia paused and thought for a moment. "Wait...did I set that banishment spell for one year or a thousand years?"

_And so, peace reigned in Equestria. And Nightmare Moon will never ever EVER be back to bother anypony ever again...we think._

The purple unicorn shut her book and scoffed, "Elements of Harmony? Please. I've never even heard of these 'Elements of Harmony'." She put the book in her bag and started walking towards the her apartment. "What a load of..."

"Oh, Twilight!" said a voice. "There you are!"

Twilight stopped mumbling to herself and looked up to see three ponies in front of her. "We've been looking everywhere for you!" said one. "Moondancer is having a party in the West Castle Courtyard! There's going to be music and dancing and stallions and drugs and..."

"As fun as that sounds," interrupted Twilight, "I'm afraid I'm going to be spending the evening studying with my one true love!"

"Twilight, are you talking about that portrait of Starswirl the Bearded?" asked the other pony.

"That sexy beard..." Twilight mumbled to herself. Noticing that the three ponies were staring at her, she quickly (and unconvincingly) lied, "NO! I meant...Spike?"

"Your pet dragon?"

"I mean, Shining Armor!"

"Your brother?"

"I...I mean...Princess Celestia?"

"The Princess?" said the other pony skeptically.

"Um...yes?" said a nervous Twilight.

"...Nice." said the gullible other pony. "Well, have fun with your date with the Princess, Twilight!"

"And you have fun at Moondancer's party..." Twilight racked her brains in an attempt to remember the pony's name, "...you!"

"See ya!" waved the other pony as she walked away.

"...My God, I hope the Princess doesn't find out I called her my 'one true love'." Murmured Twilight to herself as she started to run away. "Though in the right light, Celestia does look kind of-" Twilight shook her head and yelled to herself, "FOCUS! Elements of Harmony! Need to find out if they're real or not!"

"Twilight!" yelled a mint green pony as Twilight ran past, "It's me, Lyra!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Twilight yelled back. "I have books to read and a portrait to fondle!"

"Ok, see you later!" yelled back Lyra cheerfully.

Twilight eventually reached her home and threw open the doors. "SPIKE!" she yelled, "SPIIIIIIIIIIKE!"

"Ow." said a voice.

Twilight looked down on the floor where a dazed little dragon was laying in a pain-induced stupor. "Spike! What are you doing on the floor?"

"It's a long story." groaned Spike.

_5 seconds earlier_

Spike walked towards the door with a present in his claws. He noticed how perfect the weather seemed today and how excited he was for Moondancer's party. He started whistling a cheery tune and briefly felt a sense of accomplishment due to the fact that he had conquered his fear of the front door swinging open and smacking him in the face.

Spike reached for the handle to the front door. Before he even touched it, the door swung open and smacked him in the face.

_Now_

"Spike, that wasn't a long story at all." said Twilight as she was going upstairs. "Now stop laying around and look for anything relating to something called the Elements of Harmony!"

Spike rubbed his head and walked upstairs to Twilight's personal library. "Try _Prophecies and Predictions_."

Twilight glared at Spike and growled, "Excuse me. Who is Princess Celestia's student and who is the _assistant_ to Princess Celestia's student?"

Spike rolled his eyes and said, "Fine. What book do you want to look at?"

Twilight thought for a moment and said begrudgingly, "Try _Prophecies and Predictions_."

"Brillant idea." said Spike sarcastically. "Crazy purple psychopath..." he mumbled under his breath.

Twilight used her magic to grab several books. "Let's see..._Plots of the Rich and Famous_? No. _Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Math But Were Afraid to Ask_? No... _Fancypants: The Man, The Myth, The Legend_? NO!" She turned and yelled, "SPIKE!"

"I found it!" yelled Spike as he held the book up.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" Yelled Twilight as she used magic to grab the book and bring it closer to her. Unfortunately, she also dragged Spike with it and he fell face-first to the floor.

"Oh...hello floor." said Spike weakly. He patted the floor lovingly, "It's good to see you again..."

Twilight flipped through the pages in the book. "Let's see...Elements...Elements...AH-HA!" She exclaimed in triumph. "Elements of Harmony! Let's see..._Elements of Harmony: See Mare in the Moon_."

"Mare in the Moon?" asked Spike from the floor. "Isn't that that old legend?"

"Yeah." said Twilight. "But what do the Elements of Harmony have to do with that?" She flipped some more pages in her book, "Let's see...ah, here we go. _Mare in the Moon_! Blah blah blah..._Elements of Harmony used to banish Nightmare Moon to the moon_...blah blah..._Nightmare Moon probably going to return on the longest day of the thousandth year_...blah..._World will end in 2012_...blah blah blah." Twilight gasped and said, "Spike! Do you know what this means?"

"Um...I actually wasn't paying attention." said Spike. "Who are we talking about again?"

"Spike! Nightmare Moon! Longest day! Thousandth Year!" She handed him a scroll. "You. Write stuff. NOW."

"Fine, fine." said Spike as he grabbed a quill. "What am I writing?"

"How about, _Dear Princess Celestia, in my studies into pony magic, culture, and history, I have discovered an utter catastrophe that may occur the day after tomorrow! An ancient foe that you yourself banished a millennia ago, Nightmare Moon, is about to return and reap her vengeance! You must take action to ensure that she cannot return, or at least prepare to banish her again to minimize that damage she will undoubtedly cause. _So..." She turned to Spike, "Got all that?"

Spike shrugged and said, "I just wrote, _Yo, Princess C! Bad mammajamma Nightmare Moon is rollin' back to da hood to lay a beatdown on all 'a ya'll. You best get yo' shiz together and boot her booty back to da moon! _From Twilight. How's that?" Spike asked Twilight with a big smile on his face.

"...Whatever." mumbled Twilight. "Just send the stupid letter."

"Hang on!" Spike wrote some more on the letter. "_P.S. Spike says hi_!" He rolled the letter up, took a deep breath, and blew green fire on it. The letter dissolved into smoke and drifted out the window. "Isn't the Princess really busy with her whole Summer Sun Festival thing?"

"Spike, this is much more important than some stupid festival! Our lives may be at an end! We have to stop Nightmare Moon from returning!" said Twilight.

Spike was about to argue further, but he belched instead. Smoke was blown from Spike's mouth, swirled, and transformed into another letter.

Twilight smirked and said, "I knew the Princess would want to listen to me! There's no way she wouldn't listen to me!"

Spike grabbed the letter and began to read, "_Dear Twilight Sparkle, I'm not listening to you._"

"SAY WHAT?!" Twilight yelled. "Why not?"

Spike read on, "_You need to get out of your library and go make some friends. REAL friends. You can't spend your life indoors all the time, even if you do have a portrait of Starswirl the Bearded to keep you company. So, I'm giving you a special job_."

"A job?" asked Twilight. "What does she want me to do?"

Spike continued, "_I want you to go to Ponyville and make sure that all the preparations for my festival are in order. This is of the utmost importance. Seriously. I will flip a bitch if even one thing is wrong at my party. You'll need to a place to stay, so I bought you a library. Which sort of contradicts that whole 'making friends that are not books' thing that I wanted you to do, but what can you do? From Her Royal Awesomeness, Princess Celestia. P.S. We are not dating. Please stop telling ponies that we are. P.P.S. Hi, Spike! _"

Twilight stared at the letter in horror. "I have to make friends? With other ponies?"

Spike nodded. "Looks that way."

"Well this is gonna suck." predicted Twilight.

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**Orginally uploaded on FIMfiction.**

**Review or be banished to the MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!**


	2. Meeting the Loco Locals

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

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**Chapter 2: Meeting the Loco Locals**

"I was right! This SUCKS!" yelled Twilight. She and Spike were riding in a chariot and were making their way towards Ponyville. "I mean, I find out that an ancient evil is coming, and instead of being all 'Oh, thank you for bringing that to my attention Twilight', Princess Celestia's reaction was basically 'Shut up and check on my party'."

"Well yeah...but at least she gave you a library to stay at." said Spike. He looked out at the horizon, "And at least the view's nice."

"That it is, Spike." said Twilight. Instead of looking at the horizon, she was staring at the backsides of the two guards that were pulling the chariot. "That. It. Is." Slightly drooling, Twilight shook her head and turned her attention back to Spike, "I can use that library to find some proof that I'm right and that Nightmare Moon is returning." She looked into the distance and saw that they were approaching Ponyville.

"But what about that whole 'You need to get out of the library and make some friends' thing that the Princess wants you to do?" asked Spike.

"Hey!" yelled Twilight. She glared at Spike. "Who's in charge here?"

"Uh...you?" guessed Spike.

"Right! So I'll be deciding what we do and what we should be worrying about." said Twilight authoritatively, "Besides, saving all life as we know it is a bit more important than making friends, don't you think?"

Before Spike could answer, the chariot landed in the middle of town. Twilight hopped out and walked over to the guards. "Thank you for the ride, sirs."

The two guards stood up proudly. "THANK YOU MISS!" bellowed one. "HAPPY TO SERVE!"

"Calm down," said Spike as he hopped out, "You two are pretty much glorified cab drivers."

"WE ARE NOT!" the guard continued to shout. He paused and turned to the guard next to him, "...ARE WE?" he shouted with uncertainty.

"...We kinda are..." said the other morosely. He hung his head in shame.

"DAMN IT!" hollered the first guard.

"Spike, come on." said Twilight as she started to walk away, "The sooner we check on these stupid preparations, the sooner I can go to the library and research Nightmare Moon."

Spike caught up with Twilight and said, "Look, I know this isn't something you want to do, but maybe you can actually learn something from the ponies that live here."

Twilight was silent for a few moments. "...Well..." she said hesitantly, "I do like learning things..."

"There you go!" cheered Spike. "Maybe the ponies here like learning things too!"

"You're right!" said a suddenly cheerful Twilight. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all!"

"That's the spirit! Look," said Spike as he pointed to an approaching pony, "Maybe she'll have something in common with you."

Twilight looked at the pony that was walking towards the two of them. She was a pink pony with balloons as her Cutie Mark and was cheerfully humming something. She stopped in front of Spike and looked at both of them with curiosity.

"Try talking to her!" Spike advised.

Twilight smiled nervously and said, "H-hello. My name is-"

The pink pony's eyes bulged out of her sockets. She gasped and leapt into the air as her head started to spin around. She then landed back on the ground and ran off.

"...Spike?" asked Twilight.

"Um..." said a confused Spike.

"I changed my mind. I want to go home." said Twilight with finality.

"Me too." agreed Spike. "But we can't. We have to check on the festival stuff."

Twilight groaned. "Fine, what's first?" she asked.

Spike pulled a scroll out from...somewhere...and looked at it. "Let's look at _The Summer Sun Celebration for Dummies_." He paused and read the checklist. "It says that the first thing we need to do is check the banquet preparations at Sweet Apple Acres."

"How are we supposed to know where this 'Sweet Apple Acres' is?" asked Twilight.

_One convenient scene transition later..._

"Wow." said Spike. He and Twilight were standing at the gate of a huge apple orchard. "That was convenient."

"YEEHAW!" shouted a voice.

Spike and Twilight watched as an orange pony with a cowboy hat run up and kick a tree right in its trunk. Apples fell from the tree into several baskets that were set up around the trunk.

Twilight sighed and walked over to her, "Hello, my name is-"

The orange pony glared at Twilight and said fiercely, "Ah told ya before, we don't need any of yer fancy-pants in-sure-ance! Here at Sweet Apple Acres, we kin take care of ourselves!"

"Sis." said a large red stallion as he walked past. "The barn's on fire again."

The orange pony sighed and asked, "Caramel?"

The red stallion nodded, "Caramel."

"I jUsT DoN'T knOW wHAT went WRonG!" screeched an insane looking tan stallion as he walked past.

Twilight was silent for a few moments before saying nervously, "I-I'm not here to sell insurance. My name is Twilight Sparkle and I'm here to check on the banquet for the festival."

The orange pony gripped Twilight's leg and shook it furiously. "Well, why didn't ya say so? Mah name's Applejack! Good ta meet ya!"

"P-P-Please let goooooooo..." asked Twilight as her voice shook with her leg.

"Say!" said Applejack, finally letting go of Twilight, "How's about you sample some of our dishes?"

"Sure." said Twilight. "So long as it doesn't take too long-"

"BRING OUT EVERYTHIN'!" Yelled Applejack. "WE GOT A HUNGRY ONE HERE!"

The next thing Twilight knew, she was in front of a table while what seemed like hundreds of ponies surrounded her. Each of them came up and laid a plate of food on the table, while Applejack introduced them all.

"Well, let's see. There's Apple Fritter, Apple Bumpkin, Red Gala, Red Delicious, Gold Delicious, Caramel Apple, Apple Strudel, Apple Tart, Baked Apple, Apple Brioche, Apple Cinnamon Crisp," Applejack had to take a breath at this point, "Big Macintosh," she pointed to the red stallion from before, "Apple Bloom," She pointed to a small filly who was balancing a large cake on her back, "And Granny Smith." Applejack turned Twilight towards an old green pony who was asleep in her rocking chair.

Granny Smith woke up at the sound of her name, glared at the whole Apple family and said, "If any of ya try and put me in a home, I'll write the whole lot of ya outta my will!"

Applejack grimaced and pointed to the crazy-looking tan stallion from before, "And then there's Caramel, who 'helps' out from time to time."

"The VOiceS tEll mE to BURN EVERYTHING!" Yelled Caramel.

"W-Well..." said Twilight. "It looks like you have the food situation well in hoof here. I'll just be-"

"A-Aren't ya gonna stay for brunch?" said a voice.

Twilight looked down to find herself staring into the pleading eyes of Apple Bloom. "Uh...no, no...you see, I don't much like apples so..."

The entire Apple family froze and stared at Twilight.

"What did ya'll say?" growled Applejack.

"I...I don't like apples?" repeated Twilight.

"Oh really?" said Applejack as she walked closer to Twilight. "Well then, what _do_ ya like?" She glared at Twilight.

"Uh...uh...pears?" suggested Twilight.

The Apple family gasped and a few ponies fainted.

"Pears, huh?" said Applejack. She came even closer to Twilight. "Do ya'll know what we do to pear-lovers 'round here?"

"Yes. Do you?" asked a brown stallion that appeared to have come out of nowhere. He had an hourglass as a Cutie Mark and was glaring at Twilight.

"Doc?" asked Applejack, pausing her glare at Twilight to look quizzically at the brown stallion. "What're you doin' here?"

"I was walking by when I heard _somepony_," At this, the Doctor glared at Twilight, "say the P-word."

"Parsnips?" asked Spike.

"Yes, parsni- NO!" yelled the Doctor. "Pears, you daft dragon! P-E-A-R-S! By the way," he turned to Applejack, "I found an apple in that dressing gown I borrowed."

"Sorry, partner." said Applejack. "That's Big Mac's old robe."

"He keeps apples in his dressing gown?"

"Did I say I like _pears_?!" Twilight nervously interrupted. "I meant, that I love...apples?"

"Oh! Then why didn't ya say so?" said Applejack. The heavy mood that had set over the Apple family disappeared, and they started smiling again. Applejack grabbed Twilight and brought her over to the table. "Now, how's about you try some of these dishes..."

_2 hours later_

"Man, Twilight," said Spike, "I can't believe you ate 20 pounds of apple-based entrées."

Twilight, green in the face, put a hoof to the newly acquired paunch in her stomach. "Don't remind me..."

Having left Sweet Apple Acres and the pear-despising Apple family, Twilight and Spike were walking towards the town center to check on the next preparation.

"Let's see..." said Spike as he checked the list, "The next thing we need to check is the weather situation. There should be a pegasus pony named Rainbow Dash clearing the skies of clouds."

Twilight looked up into the sky, only to find that there was an overabundance of clouds and a severe shortage of pegasi clearing said clouds. "God, can't anypony do their jobs around here? Where is this Rainbow Da-"

Twilight's complaints were cut short when a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane and a cloud with a rainbow colored lightning bolt as a Cutie Mark zoomed out of the sky and crashed into her. Both of the ponies landed into a puddle of mud. The pegasus stood up and shouted, "DID SOMEPONY SAY 'RAINBOW DASH'!?"

Twilight lifted her head out of the mud and asked, "What the hell?"

"Aw, yeah! That was awesome!" cheered Rainbow Dash. "Who's the mare?! WHO'S THE MARE?!"

"Um...you?" ventured Spike.

"You've got that right, little guy!" exclaimed the pegasus. "I'm the best! I'm amazing! I'm-" Rainbow Dash finally caught a glimpse of Twilight, who was still laying in the mud, "...Oh dear God, please don't sue me. I already have three other lawsuits to deal with."

Twilight lifted herself off of the ground and sighed. "No, I'm not gong to sue you. Could you please just-"

"Wait! Wait one second!" cried a desperate Rainbow Dash. "I can fix this!" She flew off, grabbed a dark cloud, and put it over Twilight. "Just one sec!" said Rainbow Dash as she landed on top of the cloud. She proceeded to jump up and down on it, which released a shower of rain onto Twilight. "There!" said Rainbow Dash. "All better!"

"Not quite." said Spike as he pointed to Twilight. The purple unicorn was now soaked and sitting in an even wetter puddle of mud.

"Crap!" said Rainbow Dash. "Don't worry, I can fix this!"

"I'm not going to sue-" began Twilight.

"RAINBOW SPIN!" yelled Rainbow Dash, as she started flying around Twilight. Spike could only watch as what looked like a rainbow tornado enveloped Twilight.

Rainbow Dash stopped flying around Twilight and landed next to her. "There, all better!"

"Not quite." growled Twilight. Her normally straight man was now curly and windblown.

Rainbow Dash was struggling with keeping a straight face. "I-heeheehee-I'm s-s-sorr-HAHAHA!" She fell to the ground in a fit of laughter.

Spike was not faring any better. "N-no, Twilight. Th-that's a real-really good look for...for...HAHAHA!" He fell backwards in a fit of manly giggles.

"That's it." grumbled Twilight. "I'm suing."

"Aw, don't be like that." said Rainbow Dash. She picked herself up off the ground and flew into the air. "I'm Rainbow Dash, and I'm Ponyville's best flier!"

"Oh really?" asked Twilight. "Then why are there still clouds in the sky?"

"Clouds in the what now?" asked Rainbow Dash. Twilight pointed upwards and Rainbow Dash turned her head and saw the clouds. "Oh those. Don't worry." said a confident Rainbow Dash. "I don't have to clear the clouds until the poor loser who checks the preparations gets here."

Twilight, eye twitching, cleared her throat and said, "Hello, I'm Twilight Sparkle. And I am the poor loser who checks the festival preparations."

"Oh...whoops..." Rainbow Dash said sheepishly. "Uh...don't worry! I'll clear the skies in a sec. I just need to practice some more..."

"Practice?" parroted Twilight. "Practice for what?"

"THE WONDERBOLTS!" yelled Rainbow Dash.

"Oh...I see...who?" asked Twilight.

"Come on, Twilight." said Spike. "They're that pegasus stunt team, remember?"

"Hmmm..." Twilight mused.

_3 years ago_

A younger Twilight was reading in Canterlot's library when a pony wandered in.

"Twilight!" said the pony. "The Wonderbolts are performing! Do you want to go?"

"Are the Wonderbolts books?" asked Twilight.

"Um...no."

"Not interested."

_Now_

"The Wonderbolts are only the best, fastest, sexiest, and amazing flying team EVER!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "And they're coming tomorrow to perform! I'm going to show them my moves, and then they'll have to put me on the team!"

"Well...I see a small problem with that." said Twilight, an evil plan forming in her head.

"What? What problem?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Why would the Wonderbolts, the most elite flying team in Equestria, want a nobody pegasus who can't even keep the skies clear for one day?" asked/insulted Twilight.

"You." Rainbow Dash glared at Twilight. "Shut the face."

"I guess I'll just have to find a more competent pegasus to do this job."

"I'm competent! Really!"

"No, I think I'll just go and find somepony else."

"Oh, yeah! Well, I'll be able to clear this up in no time! In ten seconds flat."

"Prove it." challenged Twilight with a smirk.

Rainbow Dash took off and started kicking poor innocent clouds into oblivion. After about ten seconds, she landed in front of Twilight and said, "HA! Ten seconds flat!"

"Um..." said Spike. He held a stopwatch in his hand. "It was actually 10.0000000000000001 seconds. Not ten seconds flat."

"..." Rainbow Dash stared at the stopwatch for a few moments. Then she grabbed the stopwatch and trampled it. "TEN. SECONDS. FLAT. GOT IT?!" she growled at Spike.

Spike gulped. "G-got it..."

"Good!" said Rainbow Dash, cheering up instantly. "I'd hate for a certain dragon," she said as she pointed at Spike, "To suffer a horrific accident."

"Horrific accident?" questioned Spike. "How horrific?"

"Horrific as in 'fatal'." explained Rainbow Dash.

"WELL, WE BETTER GO CHECK THE NEXT THING ON THE LIST!" yelled Spike. "LET US DEPART, TWILIGHT!"

"We can stay for a minute if you want to." said Twilight.

"NO NO NO NO NO NO! WE NEED TO GO NOW!" screamed a panicky Spike. He ran off towards the Town Hall. Twilight ran after him. As they entered the building, Spike pulled out the checklist and said, "We need to check on decorations next. A unicorn named Rarity should be in charge."

Twilight looked around the building and saw that it was decorated beautifully. "Well, this looks nice."

"So pretty..." said Spike.

"So neat and organized!" said Twilight as she looked around the room.

"So sexy..." moaned Spike.

"Yes! It's very...sexy?" repeated Twilight in confusion. "Spike what are you talking about?"

"Her..." said Spike as he pointed.

Twilight looked and saw a white unicorn with a purple mane with three gems as a Cutie Mark. The unicorn was grabbing ribbons with her magic and mumbling to herself.

"Yellow? No, too tacky. Blue? Too dismal. Green? God, am I the only one in this town that's not colorblind? Give me colors that I can work with!" she complained dramatically.

"Twilight!" whispered Spike desperately. "How do I look? Do my scales look ok?"

Twilight looked him over and said, "I'd be more concerned about your tail there, Stiffy."

"What's wrong with my-" Spike looked at his tail, which had gone rigid and stiff. "Oh God..." he said in mortification, "Twilight? Do you know a 'Cold Shower' spell, or something?"

Twilight rolled her eyes and approached the other unicorn. "Good afternoon!"

"Shush!" shushed the other. "I'm in the zone!" She used her magic to tie a ribbon to a support beam. "There! Red, bright, and sparkly! Not my first choice, but given the fact that nopony seems to know what colors are actually pleasing to the eye, I'll take what I can get." She turned to Twilight and said, "How can I help y- OH DEAR GOD!" she screamed as she spotted Twilight's still curly mane. "Did you get mugged on the way here, or something?"

Twilight thought back to Rainbow Dash's attempts to "help" her. "Pretty much."

"Oh you poor dear!" said the unicorn. "Allow me to help you with that!"

"Um...that's ok." said Twilight quickly. "I really don't need-"

"Darling." said the unicorn fiercely. "You need a makeover. NOW." And with that, she dragged Twilight away, and Spike, still struggling with his stiff tail followed.

_A couple of minutes later_

"I'm Rarity, by the way." said the unicorn as she pushed Twilight into a brightly colored building. "Now, you just stay right here, I'll be back with some outfits for you to try."

"Outfits?!" questioned Twilight. "I thought you were just doing my mane!"

"What's the big deal, Twilight?" asked Spike, who had succeeded in calming his tail down. "It's just a few outfits. I mean, how many clothes could she possibly have?"

"Ok, I think this should be enough outfits to start out with." said Rarity. Twilight and Spike turned to see her using her magic to lift an enormous pile of clothes.

"Oh..." said Spike.

"Crap." finished Twilight.

_3 hours later_

"So...where exactly did you say you where from, dear?" asked Rarity as she tightened the straps on a gaudy looking saddle.

"I...I don't think I can breathe in this thing..." murmured Twilight, whose purple face was turning an even darker shade of purple.

"Oh nonsense." Rarity dismissively waved her hoof, "I hear saddles like this are all the rage in Canterlot."

"Well...I'm from...Canterlot..." gasped Twilight. "And I...don't...remember seeing these...types of-"

"YOU'RE FROM CANTERLOT?!" screamed Rarity. She stopped tugging on the straps and said, "Oh, I've always wanted to live there! The glamour, the fame, the filthy rich clientele!" She walked up to Twilight, "Finally, I have a rich friend to mooch off of!" Rarity realized what she had said, and attempted to backpedal, "I-I mean, to chat and socialize with! Right. That's what I meant!"

"I have money!" shouted Spike. "Hang out with me!"

"Oh my! Twilight, you appear to have some little lizard thing following you around!" said Rarity, who was looking at Spike in alarm.

Twilight paused in trying to get the torture device AKA saddle off of her. "Oh, that's Spike. He's a dragon and he's my assistant."

"Uh...Spike, was it?" asked Rarity.

"Yes?" asked Spike breathlessly.

"Is your tail supposed to be that way?"

Spike looked towards his tail, which was, once again, stiff. "Uh...I get excited around..." Spike looked around the room, trying to come up with a good excuse, "...fashion?"

"Really. You get 'excited' around fashion." repeated Rarity.

"Um...sure?" Spike nervously said.

Rarity was silent for a moment before saying happily, "Oh, I know exactly how you feel, darling!"

Spike couldn't believe what he was hearing, "You...you do?"

"Oh, yes!" said Rarity. "Why, the number of times I had to have a little 'alone time' after looking at the latest fashion magazines..."

"What." said Twilight.

"What?" asked a slightly drooling Spike.

"Oh, it is so fabulous to meet another pony...well, dragon in your case...who loves fashion as much as I do! We have so many things to talk about!" Rarity paused and looked at Spike. "What is your opinion on lingerie? I can model some for you."

"I can honestly say," said Spike with certainty, "that that is the best idea I've ever heard."

"BUT UNFORTUNATELY," shouted Twilight, who had managed to get the straight-jacket/saddle off of her, "WE HAVE TO GO!"

"No we don't!" shouted Spike.

"YES WE DO!" Twilight yelled at him.

"Yes we do..." Spike meekly agreed.

"Oh...well, alright then!" said a cheerful Rarity. Twilight dragged Spike out of Rarity's house. "Feel free to stop by anytime!"

_A few minutes later_

As Twilight and Spike were walking on a path, Spike was getting lectured by Twilight.

"...And I don't even know why you'd find a pony in underwear attractive!" Twilight continued her rant. "We don't normally wear clothes anyway!"

Spike shook his head and said, "You just don't understand, Twilight."

Twilight put her hoof to her forehead. "Just..." she sighed, "Just tell me what's next on the stupid list."

Spike pulled out the checklist and said, "Looks like the last thing to check is music."

"Oh, finally!" said Twilight. "Then I can head to the library and find out if Seaponies really exist!"

"...You mean 'try and find out if Nightmare Moon is really coming back', right?" asked Spike.

"Right! What'd I say?"

Spike opened his mouth to answer, but the sounds of birds singing cut him off. Twilight and Spike looked around and spotted a yellow pegasus with a pink mane and three butterflies as a Cutie Mark leading a flock of birds like a conductor.

The birds were singing well. At least, until a blue jay opened his beak and sang:

_"Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone, Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone"_

The yellow pegasus blinked and said in a soft voice, "Oh, Mr. Blue Jay, please stop."

A raccoon appeared out of nowhere and sang with the blue jay:

_"Ra Ha ringtone pick up the phone, Ra Ha ringtone pick up ya phone!"_

The pegasus said, in a slightly louder voice, "Mr. Blue Jay? Mr. Raccoon? Please stop."

The blue jay and raccoon started to yell their lyrics:

_"RA HA RINGTONE PICK UP THE PHONE! TING TING TING TING TING TING TING BEEP BEEP BEEP BOOP, PICK UP YA TELEPHONE BECAUSE YA HEAR YA RINGTONE!"_

The yellow pegasus snapped and screamed, "SHUT UP OR YOU'RE FIRED!"

"Alright! Jeez..." mumbled the blue jay as the raccoon ran away.

"Ok!" said the pegasus, slipping back into her quiet voice, "Let's try that again, ok? A-one, A-two, A-one-two-three-"

"LOUD NOISES!" screamed Twilight.

The pegasus squeaked in fear as her birds flew off. She looked down to see Twilight looking up at her.

"Oh...sorry. I just didn't want to hear that 'ringtone' song again." said Twilight, sheepishly.

"I don't know, Twilight." said Spike. "I kind of liked it."

The blue jay, flying above all three of them, yelled, "Yeah-yuh!"

"Anyway," said Twilight, "My name is Twilight Sparkle. I'm just here to make sure that your birds are ready for the festival! What's your name?"

"Um...I'm Fluttershy." whispered the quiet pegasus.

"Sorry? What was that?" asked Twilight.

"I'm Fluttershy." repeated the Pegasus in a quieter whisper.

"One more time." said Twilight. "Let 'em hear you in the cheap seats!"

"I SAID, 'I'M FLUTTERSHY', YOU DEAF BITCH!" screamed Fluttershy. She realized that she was yelling, and instantly said, "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!"

"WHAT?!" Yelled Twilight as she rubbed her ears. "ALL I HEAR IS THIS RINGING NOISE! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?"

"Oh, um...are you ok?" asked Fluttershy.

"AM I GAY?" Twilight yelled, "LOOK LADY, I JUST MET YOU ALRIGHT? AT LEAST ROMANCE ME A LITTLE FIRST!"

"N-no!" said Fluttershy. "I just asked if you were alright!"

"CAN I BITE?!" asked Twilight, mishearing again, "LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF STUFF YOU'RE INTO, BUT I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOUR BDSM FETISH, ALRIGHT!"

"NO!" yelled Fluttershy. "I JUST ASKED IF YOU WERE OK!"

"Oh, of course I'm ok." said Twilight, getting her hearing back. "You don't have to yell, for God's sake." Twilight looked into the tree and saw that most of the birds had returned. "It looks like your birds are back! It sounds like they're ready to sing at the Summer Sun Celebration, so I guess we'll just get out of your mane."

"We?" asked Fluttershy quietly. "Who's 'we'?"

"Twilight!" cried Spike as he came closer to the two ponies. "Your yelling hurt my ears!"

"You don't have ears!" argued Twilight. "You just have those weird fin things on the side of your head!"

"Oh yeah." said Spike. He felt the weird fin things on the side of his head. "What the heck are these things, anyway?"

"A BABY DRAGON!?" yelled Fluttershy. She came closer to Spike.

"Please, girl." said Spike. "This dragon is all man!"

"Aw!" cooed Fluttershy. "He's soooooo cute!"

"I prefer ruggishly handsome." said Spike.

Fluttershy laughed. "Alright," she said, playing along. "He's so ruggishly handsome!"

"Ha!" said Spike, as he looked over at Twilight. "I'm a stud! All the ladies want Spike!"

"Fine, Casa-no-duh." said Twilight. "Let's get going." Twilight and Spike started walking away.

Fluttershy flew after them and asked, "So, your name is Spike?"

"Yep!" said Spike. "What's yours?"

"My name is Fluttershy! So...I'm curious. What do dragons talk about?"

Spike thought for a moment. "Well...let me tell you about what we dragons call 'Flame Farts'..."

_Several minutes later_

Spike, Twilight, and Fluttershy had finally reached Ponyville's library. Spike was talking about his experience with Rarity.

"So there I was, about to get treated to a hot girl wearing nothing but a thong, when Twilight says 'Oh, we've got stuff to do', and I'm all like 'Girl please, I got more than enough time for this', but then Twilight was all up in my face like, 'If you don't leave right now, I'll break your face'. So I decided that it was in my best interest to leave." Spike finished.

"Oh my!" said Fluttershy. "I never knew dragons were attracted to ponies! This is so fascinating! I've always wanted to learn about dragons but I'm actually a little afraid of-"

"OK! HERE WE ARE!" Interrupted Twilight. She stopped in front of the library's entrance and turned to Fluttershy. "So sorry, but we've got a lot to do, moving in and such, so I'm afraid that we'll just have to say 'Goodbye'!" She paused for a second before opening the door and kicking Spike inside. "Goodbye!" she said to Fluttershy as she slammed the door in her face.

In the darkness inside, Spike looked over to where he thought Twilight was and said, "What was that all about?"

Twilight rolled her eyes in the direction that she thought Spike was in. "Well, I'm soooo sorry. I'm still a little concerned about that whole 'Everypony is going to die horrible deaths if I don't stop Nightmare Moon' thing, so pardon me if I'm a little rude!"

"Still," said Spike. "You could be a little more friendly."

"Ha!" scoffed Twilight. "'Friendly'. Spike, I'll be honest with you. If I have to talk to one more pony today, I think I'll have a heart attack!"

All of a sudden, the lights flicked on to reveal that the whole town was in the library. "SURPRISE!" they all yelled.

Spike looked over to see Twilight clutching her chest. "Are you seriously having a heart attack?" he asked.

"Pretty damn close..." mumbled Twilight.

The pink pony from before walked up to Twilight and said, "SURPRISE!"

"The others already said that." observed Twilight.

"I know! I just wanted to be different!" said the pink pony happily. "I'm Pinkie Pie! I threw this party just for you! Are you happy!?"

"No." said Twilight.

"I know! You most be super-duper-extra happy!" said Pinkie Pie.

"But...but..." Twilight struggled to find a complaint. "Libraries are supposed to be quiet."

"What's a library?" asked Pinkie in happy confusion. Twilight shook her head and wandered away. Pinkie followed her and was bouncing slightly. "I saw you when you first got here, remember! You were like 'Hi', and I was like 'GASP, EYE BULGE, HEAD SPIN, which in all honesty doesn't seem to be physically possible, but I guess when you're in a parody fic you just have to sort of go along with it."

Twilight rubbed her forehead, feeling another headache coming on. "I need a freaking drink."

"Oh! Then it's a good thing you got here before Berry did!" said Pinkie. "There's some drinks on the table over there! Anyway, I thought you'd be lonely after moving to a new place, and all you had with you was some little lizard guy, so I said to myself, 'Pinkie, you can't just let her not have a party when she's new! You better go to her library and break the lock and sneak in to set up a party'!"

Twilight poured herself a drink, noticing that Spike, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Fluttershy had gathered around Pinkie Pie. Sighing...again...Twilight started to sip her drink.

"So I did!" continued Pinkie. "I broke into your new house and set up a party! By the way, do you know that you're drinking hot sauce! I noticed, but I thought you meant to pour yourself hot sauce so I didn't want to say anything. Usually I would comment on you drinking straight hot sauce, but Maniac92's kind of trying to keep this in line with the original episode which involved me not telling you that you were drinking hot sauce. By the way, hot sauce is sure a fun word to say! Hot sauce! HOT sauce! HOT! SAUCE!"

Twilight put her drink down and stared at Pinkie. "So..." she said, "What are you trying to say?"

"Oh for God's sake, Twilight!" said Spike in exasperation. "You are drinking motherfucking hot sauce!"

"Oooooooh." said Twilight. "That explains that intense burning sensation in my mouth, doesn't it?"

"Pretty much." said Spike.

"Ok." Twilight's face grew a little red. "Um...excuse me." She then promptly burst into flames and ran upstairs.

"Wait!" said Pinkie suddenly. She turned to the others. "What was she drinking again?"

_Hours later_

Twilight, attempting to ignore that the whole town was downstairs, was trying and failing to get some sleep. She looked at the clock and saw that it was close to dawn.

Spike came upstairs, wearing a lampshade on his head and a bra on his body. "Twilight!" he said, "It's almost time to head over to the Town Hall to watch the Princess raise the sun!"

Twilight sighed and said, "I'll be down in a minute, Spike." As Spike left, Twilight walked over to the window and looked up at the moon. "Things," she said, "Cannot get much worse."

* * *

**Things are going to get worse.**

**Review or you'll have to listen to the Ringtone song again.**


	3. Things Get Worse

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Things Get Worse**

Inside of Town Hall, Twilight and Spike waited with the rest of Ponyville for Princess Celestia to raise the sun.

"Spike?" asked Twilight.

"Yeah?" responded Spike.

"We are all going to die." stated Twilight matter-of-factly.

"...Oh. Ok then." said Spike.

"Spike! Aren't you even a little concerned that Nightmare Moon will return?" asked Twilight. "What if she returns and Equestria is plunged into eternal darkness?"

"...Will there still be gems when Equestria is plunged into eternal darkness?" asked Spike.

Twilight glared at him and asked, "Why am I even talking to you?"

"HEY!" Screamed Pinkie Pie right in Twilight's ear. "Are you SUPER excited for this?! I'm SUPER DUPER EXCITED! I've never been this excited! Not since I saw you come into town and I was like 'GASP EYE BULGE HEAD SPIN', but this is even more exciting than that!"

Twilight rubbed her ear and mumbled, "What is with these ponies and their volume issues?"

"Oh, you silly!" said Pinkie. "We hold just as much water as you do!"

"What the fu-"

The bird choir that Fluttershy had trained started to sing, cutting Twilight off. The spotlight turned on and shone on a pony with glasses and a gray mane.

"Fillies and Gentlecolts," she said to the crowd, "As your Mayor for Life..."

"Life?" repeated several ponies in confusion.

"You've gotta read those ballots, people!" said Mayor Mare. "Anyway, it's my great pleasure to announce the start of the Summer Sun Celebration!"

Most of the ponies in the room cheered.

"Bitchin'!" screamed Rainbow Dash.

"Yes, it is indeed bitchin'." agreed Mayor Mare. "Our town will witness Princess Celestia use her magic to raise the sun!"

"I love witnessing things!" yelled a pony from the crowd.

"Let's cheer again!" yelled another pony.

And so, the ponies started to cheer again.

"It is my great honor to introduce a pony who needs no introduction, but for some reason we decided to give her one anyway: Princess Celestia!"

The spotlight swung upwards, onto a balcony where Rarity was standing.

"HEY! THAT'S NOT THE PRINCESS!" screamed a teal-colored pony with a harp as a Cutie Mark.

"Let's get her!" yelled a cream colored pony with navy blue mane with a pink stripe in it.

"I'm just here to pull the curtains back, you slack-jawed idiots!" yelled Rarity. She pulled on a rope, which opened the curtains to reveal...nothing. The Princess was nowhere to be seen.

As the ponies around them began to panic, Spike looked to Twilight and asked, "Uh, Twilight?"

"Hmm?" asked Twilight calmly. "What is it, Spike?"

"Aren't you going to...you know...freak out?"

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Spike, you know as well as I do that the Princess loves to be 'fashionably late'."

_One year and some change earlier_

The nobles of Canterlot were panicking inside the Princess's throne room.

"WHERE IS THE PRINCESS!?" yelled one.

The door opened to reveal Princess Celestia. She walked in and said, "Yo! Your Princess is in the house! Get ready for some sun-raising action!"

"But...but Princess!" said a younger Twilight. "You were supposed to raise the sun four hours ago!"

_Now_

"I'm sure that this is just a stupid publicity stunt that the Princess is pulling." said Twilight with certainty.

A dark blue mist started to form on the balcony. It vanished to reveal a black colored pony with a unicorn's horn, pegasus wings, and a blue, magically flowing mane. She spread her wings and glared at everypony.

"Hey, Twilight." said Spike. "Do you want me to get you a fork?"

"A fork?" asked Twilight. "For what?"

"So you can eat your words."

"LYRA! BON BON!" screamed Rarity from the balcony. "_NOW_ YOU CAN YELL!"

"Oh yeah." said Lyra in realization. She cleared her throat and yelled, "HEY! THAT'S NOT THE PRINCESS!"

"LET'S GET HER!" yelled Bon Bon.

"That's where you are wrong, my little simpletons." said the evil-looking Alicorn. "I _am _a Princess." she smirked and said, "And I have returned to seize my rightful place as Ruler of Equestria!"

"What did you do with the Princess?!" yelled/asked Rainbow Dash.

"Nothing fatal." said Nightmare Moon. "I just sent her on a little 'vacation'."

_Meanwhile, on the moon_

Princess Celestia looked around at the barren landscape and shouted, "GODDAMMIT LUNA!"

_Back in Ponyville_

"IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!" screamed Rainbow Dash. She attempted to attack Nightmare Moon, but was held back by Applejack.

"Oh please." said Nightmare Moon. "Don't you know who I am?"

"Well, duh!" said Pinkie Pie. "The narration already mentioned your name like six lines ago."

"..." Nightmare Moon was silent for a moment as she stared at Pinkie in confusion. She shook her head and decided to ignore her. "I suppose it is understandable that you don't recognize me." She said as she walked over to Fluttershy, who cringed in fear. "After all it

been a thousand years since I was unjustly imprisoned." She walked over to Rarity and grabbed her by the chin with her mane.

"I need an adult..." whimpered Rarity.

"But you know," continued Nightmare Moon, "There was a legend that detailed my return. Does nopony remember it?"

"I did!" yelled Twilight. "And I know who you are! You're Nightmare Moon!"

The ponies around the room gasped.

"AW SNAP SON!" Yelled Pinkie.

"Well, aren't you the studious one? I should give you an A+." said Nightmare Moon mockingly.

"Am...am I getting graded on this?" asked Twilight.

"Since you know who I am, you must know what I am here to do." continued Nightmare Moon. "But let me fill in everypony else." Nightmare Moon flashed a smirk and addressed the room, "Did all of you enjoy your day today? Did you enjoy the warm sunlight?"

"Sure did!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Well good." responded Nightmare Moon. "Because you will never see the sun again! Starting tonight, night will reign eternal and I will rule forever!" She started laughing maniacally.

"Spike!" said Twilight as she turned to her dragon companion. "We need to-"

"NAPTIME!" yelled Spike as he keeled over backwards.

"For the love of Celestia..." murmured Twilight.

"Get her!" yelled the Mayor. "She's the only one who knows where the Princess is!"

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!" Yelled one of the Royal Guards. He flew at Nightmare Moon.

"This can't end well..." said the other Royal Guard pessimistically. He flew after his comrade.

Nightmare Moon noticed the guards flying at her and asked, "You're kidding, right?" She used her magic to strike the two guards with lightning.

"I was right...that didn't end well..." mumbled the depressed Guard.

"THAT WAS SHOCKING!" yelled the gung-ho Guard.

"Somepony please kill me..." replied the depressed Guard.

"Well that was boring." said Nightmare Moon. "I'm outta here." She transformed into smoke and left the building.

"OH NO, BITCH!" Screamed Rainbow Dash. She rocketed out of the building and gave chase to Nightmare Moon. She paused and watched as the smoke flew towards the Everfree Forest. "Aw, crap." Rainbow Dash looked down at the ground to see Twilight run back to the library with Spike on her back. "What the-?"

_A quick run to the library later_

Twilight threw Spike into his basket/bed. He mumbled something that sounded like "Just like that, girl" in his sleep.

"Sorry, Spike." said Twilight. "But you need your sleep. You are a _baby _dragon after all."

"I'm only a few years younger than you, you purple bitch..." mumbled Spike in his sleep.

Twilight walked downstairs and started throwing books off the shelves. "Come on, come on!" She looked at several books, "_Age of Discord_? No. _Celestia's Greatest Trolling Moments_? No_. Spike: Greatest Lover in Canterlot_? Dear God, no!" yelled Twilight as she threw the book in the trash. "How am I supposed to stop Nightmare Moon without the Elements of Harmony!?"

"RAINBOW DASH, ALL UP IN YO' FACE!" Yelled Rainbow Dash, who appeared out of nowhere and was all up in Twilight's face. "Elements of Harmony, huh? That sounds like some sort of weapon!"

"With the word 'Harmony' in the name?" asked Twilight.

"Don't try to confuse me with your logic!" yelled Rainbow Dash. "Are you some sort of spy?"

"Calm down, spaz." said Applejack as she, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Pinkie Pie walked into the room. "Ah don't think she's a spy. But she does know what's goin' on. Don't ya, Twilight?"

"Duh!" yelled Twilight. "I read all about Nightmare Moon and how she was coming back. I wanted to find out more about her, but _somepony_," she glared at Pinkie Pie, "Threw a party in my library, so I couldn't!"

"That pony sounds like an idiot!" said an oblivious Pinkie.

"I know, right?" replied Twilight. "Anyway," she continued, "The only way to stop Nightmare Moon is to find these artifacts called the 'Elements of Harmony'. The only problem is that I have no idea what the hell they actually are, what they do, or what they even look like!"

"_The Elements of Harmony: What The Hell They Are, What They Do, And What They Look Like_." read Pinkie Pie, who was looking at a book on a shelf.

"WHAT?!" screamed Twilight. "How did you find that?"

"It was in the 'Important to the Story' section!" said Pinkie.

Twilight blinked and said, "Oh..." She used her magic to grab the book and flip through the pages. "Let's see..._'Out of the six Elements, only five are known: Kindness, Laughter, Generosity, Honesty, and Loyalty. The six Element is a mystery, so good luck trying to find it suckers_! It says that the last known location of the Elements was in the ancient castle of the Royal Pony Sisters."

"Well, that doesn't sound so bad..." said Fluttershy quietly.

"What was that, darling?" asked Rarity.

"Well...now we know where to start looking." Fluttershy explained. "And since it's in a castle used by the Princesses, it can't be anywhere that's too scary..."

"It says that the Ancient Castle is located in what is now known as the Everfree Forest." read Twilight.

"THE EVERFREE FOREST?!" repeated the others.

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" Screamed Fluttershy.

* * *

**Indeed, Twilight is fucking serious.**

**Review or you'll get Rainbow Dash all up in yo' face.**


	4. A Stroll Through The Forest of Death

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

* * *

**Chapter 4: A Stroll Through The Forest Of Death**

The six ponies reluctantly left the library and walked to the edge of the Everfree Forest. They stopped and looked at the dark forest in front of them. Strange noises could be heard coming from within.

"Well!" said Pinkie Pie cheerfully. "What are we waiting for? Let's go!" She started walking towards the darkness.

"Not so fast, Deathwish." said Twilight. Everypony stopped and looked at her. "Look, I appreciate you girls trying to help me, but I'd really rather do this on my own."

"But...why?" asked Pinkie.

"Honestly? I don't really like any of you." said Twilight. "So if you could all leave me alone, I may actually be able to get the Elements of Harmony, beat Nightmare Moon, and save Equestria before dying alone and scared in a pitch-black forest."

Applejack shook her head, "No way Sugarcube! There's no way we're lettin' a friend go in there alone! We're gonna stick to you like Caramel to his medication!"

"I DoN'T WanT to TAke ThE PilLS!" Screamed Caramel in the distance. "ThEY Make mE UNHAPPY!"

"But...but...you guys _aren't_ my friends!" yelled Twilight. "I don't like any of you!"

The rest of the ponies, not paying attention, started chatting with themselves as they walked in the Everfree Forest. Pinkie stopped and looked at Twilight.

"We're all gonna die! This is gonna be awesome!" cheered the happy earth pony.

"So awesome..." sighed Twilight as she walked into the forest. She caught up to the rest of the ponies and asked nervously, "So...have any of you ever been in here before?"

"Good god, no!" said Rarity. "I mean, look around! Dirt...bugs..._dirty bugs_! This is not a place for a sophisticated pony like me!" Rarity turned her head and said snobbishly, "Though I suppose a pony like Applejack would feel right at home here..."

"Excuse me?" asked Applejack, glaring at Rarity. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Oh nothing, darling, nothing!" said Rarity with false cheer in her voice. "I just meant that you'd be used to the dirt and the bugs seeing how you probably never bathe and are probably infested with lice."

"Hey, I took a bath two days ago!" said Applejack as she glared at Rarity.

"This place...doesn't seem right..." said Twilight, interrupting the oncoming argument.

"They say that it don't work the same here as it does in Equestria." said Applejack nervously.

"What do you mean?" asked Twilight.

"Nopony knows!" said Rainbow Dash in a spooky voice. "They say that there are no dresses or fashion magazines..."

"No!" gasped Rarity.

"They say that the animals gather food and can take care of themselves..." continued Rainbow Dash.

"No!" whimpered Fluttershy.

"They say...that there are no parties...EVER!" said Rainbow Dash.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed Pinkie Pie.

"Wait a second," said Twilight. "If nopony knows what goes on in here, then how do _you_ know all of that?"

"Um..." faltered Rainbow Dash. "...Lucky guess?"

"More like you were just tryin' to scare everypony." said Applejack.

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and said, "I'm just trying to lighten the mood! You all act like something bad will happen any-"

Before she could finish her sentence, the cliff that the ponies were standing on crumbled, and Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, and Twilight started falling down the slope. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy were able to fly up into the air and avoid the debris from the collapsing cliff. They looked at the others slipping away.

"Um..." said Fluttershy as she looked at Rainbow Dash.

"Not. One. Word." growled Dash as she flew after the others. She grabbed Pinkie and took her to safety, while Fluttershy did the same for Rarity. Only Applejack and Twilight were still slipping down the slope.

Applejack grabbed a branch and managed to stop herself, but Twilight screamed as she slid closer to the edge of the cliff. She managed to grab a hold of the edge to stop herself from falling into the ravine below.

Applejack let go of the branch and started to slowly slide towards Twilight. "Hang on! I'm comin'!"

"That's what she said!" yelled Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.

"Applejack!" said Twilight as Applejack grabbed her legs and attempted to haul her to safety. "What do I do?"

"Well...ya could start by exercisin' more..." grunted Applejack as she struggled to keep Twilight from falling. "But...in the meantime...ya need to let go."

Twilight laughed nervously. "Good one, Applejack. For a second I thought you said I should let go!"

"Um..." said Applejack, "Ah did."

"...ARE YOU INSANE?!" screamed Twilight. "In case you haven't noticed, the only thing keeping me from falling to my death is the fact that I'm _not _letting go!"

"Look, you'll be fine!" said Applejack.

"Are you even paying attention?!" shrieked Twilight. "I'M HANGING FROM A FUCKING PRECIPICE!"

"Ah know!" said Applejack. "But HONESTLY, I'm being completely HONEST here. If ya let go, you'll be perfectly safe! HONEST!"

Twilight looked into Applejack's eyes for a moment. Then she muttered, "Screw it." and let go of the cliff. She screamed as she started to plummet to her death...only to stop falling.

Twilight opened her eyes and saw that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had managed to fly down and catch her. Twilight sighed in relief.

"Damn, girl!" grunted Dash. "You _do _need to exercise more!"

"Um...if you want, I can show you how to make healthy salads if you want to lose a few pounds..." said Fluttershy quietly.

"Just shut up and put me on the ground." snarled Twilight.

The two pegasi gently lowered Twilight onto the ground below, where Rarity and Pinkie were waiting. Applejack managed to find a way down and the six ponies were off again.

_Several minutes later_

"...So then, I swooped down and grabbed Pinkie from certain death! I could have easily grabbed Rarity too, but I decided to let Fluttershy get a chance to save somepony. So I let her grab Rarity and pull her to safety."

The six ponies had managed to find the path again and were walking in the direction they thought the Ancient Castle was in. Along the way, Rainbow Dash had decided to pass the time by telling the group the story about how she saved them from falling to their deaths.

"And then, we saw you falling after Applejack convinced you to commit suicide." Continued Dash. "We took off, looped the loop around, and WHAM! Saved you right in the nick of time!"

"Ok. One, Applejack did not convince me to commit suicide." said an annoyed Twilight, "Second, all of this literally happened six minutes ago. We don't need to be reminded of it!"

"Reminded of what?" asked Pinkie.

"...Ok. Maybe Pinkie _does _need to be reminded, but the rest of us don't." said Twilight. "And third...thank you."

"Hmmm?" said Rainbow Dash, feigning deafness. "What was that?"

"I said, 'thank you'." said Twilight.

"Say 'Oh, thank you for saving my nerdy self from death, Rainbow Dash! You're so awesome!'" ordered Rainbow Dash.

"...I'm not saying that." said Twilight.

"Do it." said Dash

"No." said Twilight

"Do it."

"No!"

"Do it."

"NO!"

"Doooooo iiiiiiiit!"

"FINE! OH, THANK YOU FOR SAVING MY NERDY SELF FROM DEATH, RAINBOW DASH! YOU'RE _SOOOO _AWESOME!" yelled a fed up Twilight.

"Um...excuse me?" said Fluttershy timidly, "I really don't think you should yell, who knows what kind of animals are in this forest."

"WHAT WAS THAT?" yelled Twilight. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER HOW _AWESOME _RAINBOW DASH IS!"

"I said, you should keep your voice down!" said Fluttershy. "You may attract a dangerous animal!"

"WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL?" yelled Pinkie Pie. "IS IT A PARTY ANIMAL? THOSE ARE THE BEST KIND!"

"AN ANIMAL?!" screamed Rarity. "WILD ANIMALS ARE FILTHY!"

"NOW HOLD ON, YA'LL!" hollered Applejack. "AH THINK WE SHOULD DO AS FLUTTERSHY SAID AND KEEP OUR VOICES DOWN!"

"WHAT SHOULD WE KEEP DOWN?!" asked Rainbow Dash.

"OUR VOICES!" answered Applejack.

"FOR THE LOVE OF CELESTIA, WOULD YOU ALL KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP!?" screamed Fluttershy.

All of a sudden, a giant creature jumped out of the trees and roared at the ponies.

"...Way to go, Fluttershy." said Rainbow Dash. "Your yelling attracted a monster."

"You really should be more careful." said Twilight.

"B-b-but-" stuttered Fluttershy.

"What the hell is it anyway?" asked Rainbow Dash, ignoring Fluttershy.

The monster had a lion's head and body, bat-like wings, and a scorpion's tail. It roared again, this time with slight indignation at not being recognized.

"It's a manticore!" said Twilight. "But...shouldn't it have a human's head?"

"Uh, no." said Rainbow Dash. "Everypony knows that manticore's have lion heads."

"Is this really important right now?" asked Rarity. The manticore, hearing Rarity's voice, lunged towards her and tried to swipe her head. Rarity ducked and kicked the manticore right in the face. "Ha! You're nothing compared to Opalescence!" Partly from pain and partly from being compared to a housecat, the manticore roared in Rarity's face. As a result, Rarity's mane turned curly and frizzy.

"GODDAMN IT!" screamed Rarity as she felt her hair. "I SPENT 3 HOURS MAKING SURE THAT MY MANE WAS PERFECT!"

In a rage, Rarity kicked the manticore right in the crotch. The manticore squeaked in pain and decided to attack something a little less troublesome.

"Wait!" said Fluttershy.

Applejack, paying no attention to Fluttershy, jumped on top of the manticore's head. "Alright! Ah jumped on the thing's head!" Applejack paused and thought for a moment. "Wait...how was this supposed ta stop it, again?"

The manticore threw Applejack off of its head and she was launched towards Rainbow Dash.

"That was your big plan?" asked Rainbow Dash. "At least Rarity kicked it in the nuts."

"Shut up and go attack the damn thing." growled Applejack as she flew by.

"Wait!" repeated Fluttershy.

Not hearing (or caring) what Fluttershy said, Rainbow took off and started to fly around the manticore, engulfing it in a rainbow-colored tornado. The manticore growled and used his tail to smack Rainbow Dash, who was launched towards the rest of the ponies.

"Are you alright?" asked Twilight.

"Did you see that?!" said a frantic Rainbow Dash. "That tail just bitch-slapped me!"

The manticore growled at the ponies for calling his tail a bitch. The ponies, in turn, glared at the manticore and started to charge at him.

"WAIT, YOU BUNCH OF DUMBASSES!" yelled Fluttershy at the rest of the ponies. Everyone, including the manticore, stopped what they were doing and stared at Fluttershy.

Fluttershy smiled at the manticore and walked up to him.

"Ah can't watch!" said Applejack as she covered her eyes.

"I can!" said Pinkie as she munched on popcorn.

"It's okay." said Fluttershy as she nuzzled the manticore's paw. "Just show me where it hurts."

The manticore paused and held out a paw. Embedded in the paw was the tiniest thorn that anyone present had ever seen. Fluttershy plucked it out and then smiled sweetly at the manticore.

"Seriously?" asked Twilight. "All of that roaring and growling over a tiny little thorn?"

"Well, yes." said the manticore in an upper-crust accent. "It was quite painful. But I suppose I should apologize to you ponies for my ghastly behavior."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on a sec." said Rainbow Dash. "You could talk this whole time?"

"Well...yes." said the manticore.

"And you've just been roaring and attacking us without saying what was wrong with you?" asked Twilight. "Why didn't you say something before?"

The manticore pointed to the thorn. "That thing really fucking hurt." He turned to Fluttershy. "I must thank you for pulling it out, my dear."

"Oh, it's no problem." said Fluttershy. "After all, a little KINDNESS goes a long way."

"What do you mean?" asked the manticore.

"All I'm saying is that it's KIND of nice to be KIND, as KINDNESS is KIND of like the most important thing ever."

The ponies said their goodbyes to the manticore and trotted off down the path. The manticore waved them goodbye, took a step, and immediately stepped on the thorn again.

"SON OF A-" yelled the manticore in pain.

_A few minutes later_

"Ugh..." groaned Rarity. She glanced around at the wilderness. "All this nature stuff is a real eyesore. My eyes need a break from all this icky muck..."

As the ponies continued down the path, the trees overhead blocked out the moonlight, leaving them in almost complete darkness.

"Ya had ta say it, didn't ya?" said Applejack.

"Shut up." replied Rarity.

"Geez, it's dark." observed Twilight. "We could run right into the Ancient Castle and not even know it."

"I think if we actually _ran _into the castle, we'd know it." said Pinkie. "Running face-first into stone masonry is hard to miss."

"That's not what I mean." said Twilight.

"EEP!" squeaked Fluttershy. "Um...Rarity? Please back up. Your horn is right up my..."

"Oh! I'm so sorry, darling." said Rarity. "I can't see a thing in this darkness."

"Hey! Whose hooves are on my butt?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Oh, sorry Rainbow." said Applejack.

"I didn't say to let go..."

"Aw crap!" muttered Applejack. "Ah think Ah just stepped in somethin'."

Fluttershy screamed.

"Ah know it's gross, but I think it's just mud." said Applejack. "At least, Ah hope it's just mud..."

"It's not that..." murmured Fluttershy.

"Then what?" asked Applejack. She turned and came face-to-face with a horrible looking face. "OH MAH GOD!" she screamed as she jumped back.

The ponies looked around them and saw that they were surrounded by horrific looking monsters. They all screamed in fear...except for Pinkie Pie, who just started laughing and making strange faces at the monsters.

"Pinkie! Are you crazy?!" yelled Twilight.

"LIKE A FOX!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Now shut up and listen to my song!"

"A song?" asked Fluttershy.

_"When I was a little filly_

_and the sun was going dooooooowwwn"_

"Are you serious right now?" asked Twilight.

Ignoring her, Pinkie continued singing,

_"The darkness and the shadows,_

_They would always made me froooooooowwwwwwn"_

"I think she's serious right now." said Rarity.

"Apparently." agreed Twilight.

_"I'd hide under my pillow_

_From what I thought I saw,_

_But Granny Pie said that that wasn't the way_

_To deal with fears at all!"_

"I don't think 'saw' and 'all' really rhyme." said Rainbow Dash.

_"She said, Pinkie,_

_If you don't get out of this bed,_

_You going to wish that_

_The monsters made you dead._

_So just laugh at all your fears_

_While I crack open a few beers_

_Even when they eat your liver_

_Never let them see you shiver_

_Even when your friends are killed one by one_

_At least you'll still be around to have some fun..."_

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" yelled Twilight. "The fuck was that?"

"Hmm?" said Pinkie. "Oh, that was just Maniac92 trying his best to parody _Giggle at the Ghostly. _Unfortunately, his 'best' is what most people would call 'mediocre'."

"I don't know who Maniac92 is or what _Giggle at the Ghostly _is!" said Twilight.

"Oh. Well, the main point is that you have to laugh at the things that scare you. To be able to recognize that your fears are getting taken way out of proportion and laugh at how ridiculous they are." explained Pinkie.

"Oh." The ponies said in unison. They laughed and the 'horrible monsters' turned back into trees.

"See?" asked Pinkie. "LAUGHTER is the best medicine! When you LAUGH, the world LAUGHS with you. Blah blah blah LAUGHTER."

Still laughing, the ponies, with Pinkie in the lead, continued down the path...

_Several minutes later_

"Twi...Ah...Ah can't stop laughin'..." laughed Applejack as the group, still being led by Pinkie Pie, continued down the path.

"Me neither..." giggled Twilight in worry.

"I...I...can't breathe!" chortled Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie suddenly came to a stop and the rest of the group ran into her.

"Pinkie!" said Twilight, having stopped laughing, "Why did you stop?"

"I think it may have something to do with the giant river that's in front of us." said Rarity.

And indeed, the six ponies had reached the bank of a gigantic raging river. The water was violent and churning and would sweep away the ponies if they tried to swim to the other side.

"Now what?" asked Applejack.

"Oh my stars!" screamed an effeminate voice.

"What was that?" asked Twilight.

The ponies headed up the bank and saw a large purple sea serpent sobbing and splashing the waves. He had orange hair and half of a bushy orange mustache.

"This is just super unfabulous!" said the serpent. "Why? Dear Celestia, WHY?!"

"Um...excuse me?" asked Twilight. "Why are you crying?"

"Um, helloooo!" The serpent pointed at his damaged facial hair. "Can you not see that someone has committed a crime against all fabulousity?! Here I was, looking all sorts of gorgeous, when all of a sudden this little cloud of blue smoke blew by and sliced my moustache clean off my face! And now, I'm just hideous! I mean, I can deal with a chipped claw, or a missing scale, but _this_?! Oh, what a world!" The serpent threw himself backwards and landed in the water with a large splash, which completely soaked the six ponies.

"Are you serious?" asked a drenched Dash.

"That's what all this bitchin' is about?" asked an equally soaked Applejack.

"Oh, isn't that the most horrible thing you've ever heard?" asked Rarity.

"No." answered the others.

"Are all of you blind?" asked an outraged Rarity. "I mean, just look at him!" She walked over to the serpent. "Such lovely scales!"

"I know!" agreed the serpent.

"Such an expertly styled hairdo!" continued Rarity.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a perfect hairdo when you spend all of your time in the water?" asked the serpent. "It's almost impossible!" He was starting to cheer up a little.

"Your perfect manicure!" praised Rarity.

"Testify, sister!" said the serpent.

"And all of it means nothing without your moustache!" said Rarity.

"I know! I'm hideous! Don't look at me!" said the serpent, as he tried to hide himself from view.

"AW, HELL NAW!" said Rarity. She ran up to the serpent and plucked a scale off his body.

"YEEEEEEOOOOW!" said the serpent. "What the fu-"

"SILENCE!" ordered Rarity. "I AM DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE!" She grabbed the scale with her teeth and brandished it like a sword.

"Rarity?" asked Twilight. "What're you-?"

There was a slicing sound.

_A couple of minutes later_

"I simply can't believe you cut your tail and used it as a substitute for my moustache!" said the serpent.

Rarity smiled and said, "Oh, it's no problem at all! It's easy to make these kind of sacrifices when you're GENEROUS!"

"But Rarity, what about your tail?" asked Twilight.

Rarity looked back at her now shortened tail. "Oh, it's alright dear. The stallions like a girl that shows a little flank."

"Good thing Spike's not here..." murmured Twilight.

_Back at the library_

Spike snorted in his sleep and mumbled something along the lines of, "Sexy senses...tingling..."

_Back to the others_

"Allow me to help you ladies across!" said the serpent. He used his body as a bridge over the river.

The ponies crossed and waved to the serpent. "Thank you for the help!" said Rarity.

"Thank _you_ for the wonderful moustache! My girlfriend will love it!" said the serpent.

"Wait..._you_ have a girlfriend?" asked Rainbow Dash. "I thought you were..."

Before she could finish, however, the serpent swam away. The ponies continued down the path, drawing ever closer to the castle.

"I thought he was gay!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Me too." said Fluttershy.

"So does the large majority of the fandom!" said Pinkie Pie.

"Hey!" said Twilight. She pointed across a ravine. "There's the ruins! We're almost there!"

"One thing though," said Applejack, "The bridge is down and there's no way across."

"Relax!" said Rainbow Dash. "I'll just go and fix the bridge." Rainbow flew down the cliff and grabbed the broken end of the bridge. She flew to the other side of the gorge and was about to tie the rope of the bridge to the post.

"Raaaaaaainbow..." said a voice.

Rainbow set the rope on the ground and asked, "Who's there?"

"Rainbow..." repeated the voice.

"Come out here!" said Rainbow Dash. "I'm not afraid of you!"

A fog rolled in and the voice continued, "We've been waiting for the best flier in Equestria...and we think that's you!"

"Well, duh!" said Rainbow Dash. "Tell me something I don't know."

Three pegasi in dark uniforms walked out of the fog and stopped in front of Dash. "We want you to join us!"

"Ok. I'm gonna stop you right there." said Rainbow Dash.

"Say what?" said one of the pegasi.

"I know that you're just one of Nightmare Moon's tricks to get me to abandon my friends." said Rainbow. "And let me tell you, there's nothing you can say that will make me leave them behind."

"But-"

Rainbow tied the rope to the post and glared at the trio. "I don't want to hear your lies. Get bent, losers!" She flew back to the others.

A white furred pegasus with a blue mane turned to a yellow furred pegasus with an orange mane and said, "I told you these new uniforms were a bad idea, Spitfire."

Spitfire put a hoof to her face and said, "Shut up, Soarin'."

Rainbow Dash flew back to the others, who cheered when they saw her.

"You did it!" cheered Twilight.

"Duh! I never let people down! I'm LOYAL like that!" said Rainbow Dash.

"Wait...wait. Why do you guys keep putting so much emphasis on words?" asked Twilight.

"What do ya mean?" asked Applejack.

"You know, like you with 'HONESTY' or Rainbow Dash with 'LOYALTY'."

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Twilight." said Rarity. "But the castle is right up ahead. Let's go so we can get back to Ponyville."

"I'm so confused." said Twilight as the group crossed the bridge and headed into the ruins.

* * *

**We're all confused.**

**Review or I'll write another crappy song like the Giggle at the Ghostly thing.**


	5. Twilight Sparkle vs The Moon

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Twilight Sparkle vs. The Moon**

The six ponies entered the ruined castle and looked around. The castle was...desolate. It was...empty. IT...WAS...

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIING!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Where's all the booze?"

"Sugarcube...we're looking for the Elements." pointed out Applejack.

"Potato, potahto." said Pinkie dismissively.

"My God, what an eyesore!" said Rarity. She was pointed to a stone statue in the center of the room. The statue had five stone orbs resting on pedestals. "I can understand why the Princess doesn't want to live here anymore with decorations this ugly."

"Rarity focus!" said Twilight. "We need...to find...the...Elements?" said Twilight as she stared at the orbs. "The Elements! We've found them!"

Rainbow Dash stared at them. "They're rocks."

"No." said Twilight. "They're the Elements of Harmony."

"Uh...darling? I've seen rocks before and these are definitely rocks." said Rarity.

"No! They're the Elements!" yelled Twilight.

Fluttershy flew up and grabbed an orb. Testing its weight, she put it down and said, "Yeah, they're rocks."

"...Just bring the stupid things down to the floor." muttered Twilight.

Rainbow and Fluttershy grabbed the five orbs and set them down on the floor.

"Wait...there's only five?" asked Pinkie. "What a rip-off!"

"Yeah," agreed Rainbow Dash, "Where's the sixth one?"

Twilight knelt down and said, "The book said that when the five Elements were brought together, a spark would cause the sixth one to be revealed."

"What the hell does that mean?" asked Applejack. "Are we supposed ta make a fire or somethin'?"

"I'M ON IT!" yelled Fluttershy as she whipped out a tank of gasoline and a book of matches.

"Wait!" yelled Twilight. "Let me try something!" She put her head closer to the Elements. "I don't really know what will happen, so you guys better stay back." She started to charge her magic through her horn and tried to channel it to the Elements. She started gasping and moaning at the effort it took.

When Twilight let out a particularly long moan, Rainbow looked at the others and said, "I feel kinda weird watching this."

"I do as well." said Rarity.

"Should we give her some privacy?" asked Fluttershy.

"Come on, ya'll." said Applejack. "She's just usin' her magic. Don't make this weird for every-"

"OH SWEET CELESTIA, YES!" screamed Twilight in bliss.

"...Nevermind. Let's give her some privacy." said Applejack. She led the others out the door, leaving Twilight alone with the Elements.

A blue trail of magical smoke shot out of a dark corner and started to circle the Elements. As it enveloped the Elements in a cyclone of magic, Twilight opened her eyes and saw what was happening. She screamed in fear.

Outside, the other ponies heard Twilight's scream. "Wow." said Rainbow Dash. "I didn't know that magic could be that...satisfying."

"Oh, you don't know what you're missing darling. Magic can do such _wonderful _things." said a knowledgeable Rarity. "Why, I remember last Saturday night-"

"HELP ME, YOU IDIOTS!" yelled Twilight from inside the ruins. "IT'S NIGHTMARE MOON!"

"Oh!" said the others in realization. They ran back inside the castle.

Twilight stared in horror as the Elements were swept into the blue tornado. "No! The Elements!" she yelled. She then glared at the tornado and yelled, "NOT ON MY WATCH, BITCH!"

The others watched as Twilight jumped into the tornado, which disappeared along with the Elements and Twilight.

"Shit." said Pinkie. She and the others began to search around the room for any sign of the purple-haired friend.

"TWILIGHT-DOO!" yelled Applejack. "WHERE ARE YOU!?"

"Look!" said Rarity. She was at one of the windows and was looking at a nearby tower. Flashing lights could be seen through the towers windows and doors.

"A rave!" said Pinkie happily. "Maybe the ponies there have seen Twilight!"

"That's gotta be where she is!" said Applejack, ignoring Pinkie. "Come on!" The five ponies ran out of the room and headed towards the tower.

_Meanwhile, inside the tower_

Twilight crashed to the floor in a puff of smoke. She started to cough loudly. "I knew all of that smoking would come back to haunt me..." she choked out. She looked up and gasped.

Nightmare Moon was standing by the window and the Elements were floating beside her. She started laughing evilly.

Twilight glared at Nightmare Moon and prepared to run at her.

"Are you serious right now?" asked Nightmare Moon.

Twilight charged towards her and her horn started to glow with magic.

"Fine. Whatevs." said Nightmare Moon. "I'll play along. God knows I haven't done anything like this since that Jenkins fellow tried the same thing a thousand years ago." She ran at Twilight and prepared to impale her on her horn.

Rather than allow Twilight to get skewered, Twilight's horn let out a burst of magic and she teleported to the Elements.

Twilight looked around in confusion and said groggily, "That's new..." She shook her head and looked at the Elements. "Just one spark..." she put her head down and started charging her magic. The Elements began to glow.

"Yeah, no." said Nightmare Moon as she turned into smoke and appeared in front of Twilight. She watched as the Elements zapped Twilight with her own magic and sent her flying across the room. Nightmare Moon looked down at the sparking Elements and said, "No!"

Almost as if they were taking orders from the evil Alicorn, the Elements returned to their normal non-sparking state.

"What?!" said Twilight as she got up from the floor. "Where's the sixth Element?"

Nightmare Moon laughed maniacally and stomped the floor. Twilight could only watch in horror as the five Elements shattered into pieces.

"So, did you really think you could stop me?" asked Nightmare Moon. "Because I thought you were just trying to be funny. I mean, _you_, a fucking librarian, stopping _me_, an immortal princess of the night? It's just too funny for words. Unless, of course, you were actually serious." She paused and looked at Twilight's shocked expression. "Oh my god! You were, weren't you?" She started laughing again. "I can't decide whether that's extremely hilarious or extremely insulting." She lifted Twilight with her magic and threw her across the room. "You know what?" she asked as she started walking towards Twilight. "Let's just stick with insulted, shall we?" Her horn started to glow. "It's going to make slowly killing you much more satisfying."

"TWILIGHT!" screamed several voices.

Twilight turned her head towards the stairs, where she saw the shadows of the others. Suddenly, a crazy idea popped into her head. She turned towards Nightmare Moon and smirked. "You think you can destroy the Elements of Harmony that easily?"

"Uh, duh." said Nightmare Moon. "I just did."

"Well, you're wrong!" said Twilight as Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity stood by her. "Because the spirits of the Elements of Harmony are right here!"

"SAY WHAT?!" yelled Nightmare Moon.

"Applejack, who convinced me that I'd live after falling off a cliff represents HONESTY!" Some of the shattered pieces of the Elements began to circle around Applejack. "Fluttershy, who pulled a thorn out of the paw of a wuss manticore, represents KINDNESS!" Pieces of the Elements circled Fluttershy. "Pinkie Pie, who taught us that we were idiots for being scared of trees, represents LAUGHTER!" Shattered pieces circled Pinkie. "Rarity, who helped a sea serpent with his stupid mustache problems, represents GENEROSITY!" Blah blah pieces blah blah Rarity. "And Rainbow Dash, who told the Wonderbolts where to stuff it, represents LOYALTY!"

"THOSE WERE THE WONDERBOLTS?!" screamed Rainbow Dash as the last of the Element pieces started to circle her.

"We made it through every challenge you threw at us!" said a smug Twilight to Nightmare Moon.

"Well, congratulations." said Nightmare Moon sarcastically. "But you still don't have the sixth element! Your spark didn't work."

"Have you even been paying attention?" asked Twilight. "The spark isn't magic! It's friendship! And for some reason, I consider these bunch of psychopaths to be my friends!"

"Meaning?" asked Nightmare Moon.

"You're screwed, bitch." said Twilight. There was a bright flash of light and a sixth stone orb appeared out of nowhere. It hovered above Twilight. "When the five Elements react to the spark of friendship, the sixth Element appears! The Element of...of..." Twilight paused for a moment. "What the hell is the sixth Element? The book didn't say..."

"MAGIC!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"Oh! I thought it was FRIENDSHIP..." said Twilight. "Anyway, the sixth Element is MAGIC!"

There was a bright flash of light. The pieces floating around Applejack, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity became necklaces, while the stone orb floating above Twilight became a tiara. A rainbow colored beam of magic shot out of the jewelry and hit Nightmare Moon.

"Aw crap..." said Nightmare Moon as she was enveloped by the multicolored magic.

There was another bright flash of light and the six ponies collapsed.

"Ow...what happened?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Ah feel like Ah drank too much cider..." said Applejack as she rubbed her head. "Everypony okay?"

"Well, I'm not okay!" said Rarity. "I'm _gorgeous_!" She looked back at her tail, which had grown back to its original length.

"And we have bling now!" said Pinkie as she looked down at her necklace. The others looked down at their own necklaces (or up at her tiara/crown thing in Twilight's case), which had pendants shaped like their Cutie Marks.

"Ah thought you were just spoutin' a load of bullshit, Twilight," said Applejack, "But ah guess we really do represent the Elements of Harmony."

"Actually, I _was_ just spouting a load of bullshit." said Twilight. "But it's nice to know that I was right."

"Indeed, you were." said a voice. Outside, the sun started to rise and Princess Celestia appeared in front of the ponies.

As the others bowed to the Princess, Twilight ran up to her and said "Princess Celestia! You're okay!"

"Yeah I am!" said the Princess. "Good work, Twilight! I knew you could do it!"

"Whoa, whoa. Hold up." said Twilight. "You knew that this would happen?"

"Uh, duh!" said Celestia. "Of course I knew. I'm motherfuckin' Princess Celestia, how could I not know?"

"You knew that Nightmare Moon would return?"

"Sure did." said the Princess.

"You knew that she'd take her revenge and put you on the moon?" asked Twilight.

"Well..." faltered the Princess. "That was more of an unforeseen consequence...but yeah, I did see the rest of this coming."

"You told me that Nightmare Moon was just an old legend!" said Twilight.

"Uh, no. I told you to get off your butt and go make some friends." said Celestia. "Jesus Twilight, I thought you were introverted, not illiterate. Maybe I _should_ send you back to Magic Kindergarten..." She sighed and continued, "Anyway, I knew you could kick Nightmare Moon's tuchus all along, you just needed some friends to back you up. Or to sacrifice while you saved yourself, whatever worked for you." Celestia looked to the front of the room. "Speaking of..."

She walked over to where Nightmare Moon was hit by the Elements. In her place was a small blue Alicorn with a moon for a Cutie Mark. "Princess Luna."

Luna opened her eyes and gasped.

"So...how've you been?" asked Celestia.

"...I get possessed by dark magic, go on a rampage, sent to the moon for a thousand years, and the first thing you ask me is 'How have you been'?" asked Luna.

"...Yes?" answered Celestia.

"Oh. Well, I've been better. How are you?" asked Luna.

"Oh I'm fine." said Celestia. "You know, just raising the sun and moon for a thousand years, got a new student, drew some dicks on Discord's statue every once in a while. You know, the usual."

"Ah." said Luna. "Hey, am I in trouble?"

Celestia waved her hoof dismissively. "Nah. Let's just go home."

Luna got up and popped her back. "Well, it beats hanging around here. I forgot how ugly the decorations here are."

"I know, right?" said Celestia. She looked at Luna for a moment. "Hey...come here for a sec."

"Hmm?" said Luna. "What's the matter?" She walked towards Celestia.

Princess Celestia grabbed her sister and pulled her into a hug. "I'm glad you're back, little sister."

Luna hugged Celestia back and said, "It's good too be back." She paused and asked, "So...how's work on _Hoof-Life 3 _coming along?"

"Uh..." faltered Celestia.

Luna sighed and said, "They haven't even came out with _Hoof-Life 2: Episode Three_, have they?"

"Nope." said Celestia.

"Goddammit." muttered Luna.

"Hey!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

"What is it?" asked Celestia.

"PARTY!" screamed Pinkie.

"PARTY!" agreed Celestia.

_A couple of hours later..._

The party was in full swing. Confetti rained down from the sky as the two Princesses arrived in a chariot pulled by the Royal Guards.

"WE'RE BACK, BITCHES!" yelled the Gung-Ho Guard.

"Whoo-hoo." said the Depressed Guard.

"Twilight!" yelled Spike as he rushed out of the crowd to hug her. "You're back!"

"Spike!" said Twilight as she hugged him back. "...Did you clean up the mess in the library?"

"As far as _you_ know!" said Spike happily.

"Good...good..." said Twilight distractedly. She hung her head in sadness.

"Hey," said Princess Celestia as she walked towards Twilight, "What's up? You just saved Equestria. You should be enjoying the party with your friends."

"But that's just it!" said Twilight. "Now I'll have to go back to Canterlot and never _ever_ see them again. Ever."

"Spike! Take a note!" said Celestia.

"Do you ponies think I carry a paper and and quill wherever I go?" asked Spike.

"Spike..." said Celestia.

"I mean, I _do_." said Spike as he whipped out a paper and quill. "It's just ridiculous that everyone assumes I do..."

"Spike, just shut up and write this down." ordered Celestia. "'I, Princess Celestia, decree that Twilight Sparkle shall stay in Ponyville and learn about friendship'."

"Got it!" said Spike as he finished writing.

"Crap." muttered Twilight.

"You secretly wanted to go back to Canterlot, didn't you?" asked Celestia with a grin on her face.

"A little." said Twilight.

"Too bad." said Celestia. "Now, let's party!"

"That's my line!" yelled Pinkie Pie.

* * *

**"Seriously, it was my line. That slut..."**

**Review or Pinkie will call you a slut too.**


	6. Stick It To Ticket

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Stick it to Ticket**

After the party, Twilight resolved to take her studies of Friendship seriously. She decided to help her new friends with whatever inane task they needed help with. Twilight would help her friends no matter what!

Which explains why she and Spike woke up at the ass-crack of dawn to help Applejack harvest some apples.

"Thank ya fer doin' this, Twilight." said Applejack as she and Twilight lugged baskets of apples to her barn.

"Yeah, _thanks_ Twilight..." muttered Spike as he stifled a yawn. He hopped on Twilight's back and said, "I don't know why I had to wake up early too..."

"If I have to wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning to help harvest apples, so do you." said Twilight. "Not that you've actually been any help."

"Hey!" said Spike as he started rifling through a basket Twilight was carrying. "I helped!"

"How?" asked Twilight.

"I was supervising!" said Spike.

"Taking a nap under a tree does not count as supervising." said Twilight.

"_Anyway_," said Applejack, cutting off Spike's retort, "Ah bet Big Macintosh that Ah could get all these apples into the barn by noon. If Ah win, he has ta walk down Stirrup Street in Granny Smith's sequin G-string." She started laughing maniacally.

"Yeah...that...that's real funny." said Twilight, laughing weakly. Trying not to imagine Big Mac in an old woman's sparkly thong, she continued, "It's no problem, Applejack. I'm glad that we're almost done though. I'm pretty hungry."

"Me too." said Spike. "I missed breakfast because of this!"

"Spike, you had breakfast." pointed out Twilight.

"I had one, yes." said Spike. "What about second breakfast?" He pulled out a shiny red apple from the basket. "Oh my God." said Spike.

"That looks delicious!" said Twilight.

"It's amazing!" said Spike.

"I'd value it above your life!" said Twilight.

"Me too!" agreed Spike. "...Wait, what?"

"Nothing." said Twilight quickly. "So...you gonna share that or..."

"NOPE!" yelled Spike as he wolfed down the apple.

Twilight watched in horror as apple debris flew from Spike's mouth as he scarfed down the apple. Tears welled up in her eyes.

Spike burped and looked at Twilight. "...What?"

"...You're fired." said Twilight.

Spike burped again, but instead of disgusting apple pieces, a letter flew out of his mouth. He grabbed it and started reading, "_Hear ye, hear ye. Princess Celestia formally invites you to the Grand Galloping Gala. The Gala will be held in the capital city of Canterlot on the day the day the author of this story parodies the Season 1 finale. You, insert name here, are invited to the Gala and are allowed to bring one guest. Sucks if you have more than one than one friend!"_

"The Grand Galloping Gala?" said both Twilight and Applejack.

"Did I stutter?" asked Spike. He burped again and two tickets flew out of his mouth.

"This is great!" said Twilight. "I've never been to the Gala! Have you, Spike?"

"Boy, have I!" answered Spike. He paused and thought out loud, "...Have I?"

_One year ago_

"-And then, I was like, 'Bitch, get yer own goddamn dictionary'!" slurred Spike, as he wobbled drunkenly. Empty bottles surrounded him and his drinking buddy.

"Wut...wut shee do then?" asked an equally intoxicated Princess Celestia.

"Ya know Twi..." said Spike. "She started crying, which made me start crying, a-and...and..." Spike sat down, clutched his knees, and started rocking back and forth. "God, I'm a horrible assistant!" He started to cry hysterically.

"I know wut ya mean, bro..." slurred Celestia. She awkwardly patted Spike on the back and said, "I remember when I put Loona on da moon. Cried fer days..." She thought for a moment. "Or was I crying cause I chipped a hoof? I can't really 'member too well..." She cheered up and said, "Hey!"

"Wut?" asked Spike.

"There was these sexy girls at the bar...let's go hook up with 'em!"

"Yeah!" said Spike, cheering up instantly. "Wait...aren't you a girl? Don't you like stalli-stall-st-dudes?"

"Pssh!" Scoffed the Princess. She got up and stumbled to the bar. "I'm Princess Celestia. I don't even give a fuck..."

_Now_

"I have no memory of the event in question." said Spike mechanically as his eyes darted back and forth. He cleared his throat and said with false bravado, "Like I would ever go to such a girly event! Hahaha..."

"Oh, come on Spike!" said Twilight. "A dance would be nice!"

"Nice?" interrupted Applejack. "It's a lot more than just nice! Ah'd sacrifice Apple Bloom fer a chance ta go!"

"What would you do there?" asked Twilight.

"Ah'd set up a food stand ta get more business fer the farm! With all the extra cash, we could replace the roof for the farm! Or replace that rusty old plow! Or fix Granny's hip! Or get enough money ta get Caramel lobotomized!"

"OvEr yoUR DEAD BodY!" yelled Caramel.

"Wow, it sounds like you really want to go." said Twilight.

"Ya think?" said Applejack.

"Well, if you want to go so bad, I could just give you the tic-"

Twilight's offer was cut off by a familiar voice yelling, "AW, CRAP!" Something blue fell from above and crashed into Applejack and Twilight. As the dust cleared, Spike saw that Rainbow Dash was sitting on Applejack and Twilight with a dazed look on her face.

"Whoa!" said Spike. "You okay, Dash?"

"Of course I'm okay. I'm the goddamn Rainbow Dash!" said Rainbow as she got off the others. "But enough about that!" She turned to Twilight and asked, "Are you guys talking about the Grand Galloping Gala!?"

"Rainbow Dash?!" yelled an outraged Applejack. "You told me that you were too busy ta help harvest apples!"

"Oh yeah." said Dash. "I lied." She flew towards Twilight, "Anyway, I overheard that you have an extra ticket to the Gala!"

"Well...yeah, but-"

Rainbow Dash flew into the air and cheered, "WHOO! THIS IS AWESOME!" She landed near Twilight and explained, "The Wonderbolts perform at the Gala every year! Ah, I can see it now! The Wonderbolts performing, everyone's eyes will be on them, but all of a sudden, Rainbow Dash would-"

"Uh, Twilight? Can Ah talk to ya fer a sec?" asked Applejack.

"Blah, blah, Wonderbolts." continued an oblivious Dash. "Blah blah me me me..."

"What's up?" asked Twilight.

"Ah thought you were takin' me!"

"Well, I-"

"Hold the phone!" said Rainbow Dash, breaking out of her fantasies. "You have to take me!"

"Ah asked first!" said Applejack.

"I didn't hear Twilight say that she'd give you the ticket. It's fair game!"

"Alright then," said Applejack, "Ah guess we're gonna fight fer it."

Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes. "I guess we are!" She launched herself at Applejack.

"Whoo-hoo!" cheered Spike as the two ponies began to brawl. "Chick fight!"

"Psst, Spike!" whispered Twilight. "Let's get out of here!"

"But...chick fight?" said Spike as he gestured towards Applejack and Rainbow Dash.

"No chick fight!" said Twilight as she trotted away.

"Damn it." muttered Spike. He ran after Twilight.

"THAT'S IT!" yelled Applejack as she pinned Rainbow. "Twilight, ya'll need ta decide who's...who's..." She noticed that Twilight and Spike were gone. "Goddammit..."

"Nice job, Farmer Fatass." groaned Dash as she tried to get Applejack off of her. "Now what?"

Applejack shrugged and said, "What else? We're gonna chase her down and make decide which one of us is gettin' that damn ticket."

_A few minutes later_

Twilight walked back into Ponyville and looked around for somewhere to eat. Spike examined the tickets in his hands and asked, "So, who are you giving the ticket to?"

Twilight sighed and said, "I don't even know. But I can't deal with this crap on an empty stomach. Let's grab some grub."

Just as Twilight walked in front of Sugar Cube Corner, Pinkie Pie came flying out of the door and crashed into Twilight and Spike. Spike let go of the tickets and they floated down onto Pinkie's nose.

She shot up and screamed, "AAAAAAAAH! BATS! BATS ON MY FACE!"

"Pinkie," said Twilight as she got up from the ground, "There are no bats on your face."

"Oh!" said Pinkie, calming down instantly. "Alright then." She looked down at the tickets and said, "Are we doing a Willy Wonka crossover or something?"

"No Pinkie. Those are tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala." said Twilight.

"THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA?!" yelled Pinkie.

"Oh God, why did I just tell you that?" asked Twilight as Spike bent down to grab the tickets.

Pinkie ignored Twilight and said, "I love the Gala well I've actually never gone to the Gala but I heard that it's the best party in the entire world or at least in Equestria I've don't know about the rest of the world but I'm sure that it's the best! I even wrote a song about it!"

"NO!" yelled Twilight. "No singing! Ever!"

"But-"

"EVER!" screamed Twilight. She sighed and said, "Look, I'm sensing that the reason you want to go is because you think it will be a super fun party. Correct?"

"YES!" yelled Pinkie. "Can I go? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?"

"Actually-" began Twilight, but a shriek of surprise cut her off. Twilight turned to see Rarity pointing her hoof at the tickets in Spike's hands.

"Are these what I think they are?" asked Rarity.

"No!" said Twilight.

"YES!" screamed Pinkie.

"DAMMIT PINKIE!" yelled Twilight.

"Twilight has tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala! And she's taking me!" cheered Pinkie.

"The Gala?" asked Rarity. "I design dresses and suits for the Gala every year, but I've never had a chance to go!" She sighed as she imagined the Gala. "Ah, the society! The glamour! The chance to get the hell out of this dump!" She turned to the others and explained, "For you see, the Gala is where I'd meet..._him_!"

"Him?" asked Twilight.

"HIM?!" screamed Spike.

"Him!" repeated Rarity dreamily. "I can see it now! I'd stroll through the Gala in my sexiest dress, ponies heads would turn, and everypony would wonder 'Who is that mare and how do I get a chance to sleep with her?' Even Princess Celestia would want to sleep with me! But once I gently turn her down, she'd introduce me to...him! Her nephew, Prince Blueblood!" Rarity paused in imaginings to blissfully sigh. "Our eyes would meet, our hearts would melt, he would gain a boner so hard it could shatter diamonds! He would ask for my hoof in marriage, and I would of course say 'Yes'! Then, after our honeymoon that would consist of nothing but sex, I would become Princess! Can you imagine? Princess Rarity! Rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

"Um..." said Twilight.

"Twilight, darling!" pleaded Rarity. "You have to take me!"

"Well...I-"

"Back the bitch truck up!" said Pinkie Pie. "Twilight's taking me!"

"Girls, if you could just-"

"Oh please," said Rarity, "You just want to party. I'm trying to get married and become royalty!"

"Girls!" said Twilight.

"You're already a royal pain." said Pinkie.

"What did you just say?!"

As Spike watched the two bickering mares, he felt something grab the tickets from him. "Hey!" he yelled. He turned and saw a white bunny run off with the tickets.

"Oh my..." said a familiar voice. "What are those, Angel?"

"Look you two," said Twilight, "I haven't decided who I'm giving the tickets to."

"WHAT?!" screamed Pinkie.

"YES!" yelled Rarity.

"Um...Twilight?" asked a soft voice.

Twilight turned to find Fluttershy standing with the white bunny, who had the tickets in his mouth.

"If you don't mind...maybe, you could take me to the Gala?" said Fluttershy.

"Fluttershy?" asked Rarity. "_You_ want to go the Gala? But...why?"

"To see the animals in the Royal Garden!" said Fluttershy. "I-I think..." She looked at the bunny in fear. "Is that alright with you Angel?"

The bunny rolled his eyes and gave Fluttershy a look that said, _"I guess_."

Fluttershy smiled and hugged the bunny. "Oh, thank you Angel! You're so good to me!"

Angel kicked her in the face and glared at her.

"O-oh I'm so sorry!" said Fluttershy. "I-I forgot about that 'not hugging you in public' rule. P-please don't hate me!"

"Uh...Fluttershy?" asked Twilight. She shook her head and decided not to comment on the bunny's abuse. "That sounds nice and all, but-"

"WAIT JUST ONE SECOND!" yelled a voice.

Twilight turned and saw Rainbow Dash standing on a roof. "Rainbow Dash? I thought you were getting beat up by Applejack?"

"IT WAS A DRAW!" lied Dash as she jumped off the roof and landed on the ground.

"Wait..." said Twilight. "Were you spying on me?!"

"No!" said Dash. "I was just following you and listening to your private conversations!"

"I can't believe this!" said an outraged Twilight.

"You know what I can't believe?" asked Rainbow Dash. "That you'd give that ticket to somepony else even though _I_ asked first!"

"You asked first?!" yelled Applejack as she came running up to the others.

"See?" said Rainbow Dash. "Even Applejack agrees with me."

"Ah asked first!" said Applejack. "Crazy bitches tryin' ta steal mah ticket..."

"Uh...no." said Pinkie Pie. "Twilight's taking me!"

"Let me guess," said Applejack, "Ya wanna go cause ya wanna party?"

"Yeah!"

"Well, Ah wanna go to get business fer the farm!"

"Yeah, well I need to go to get into the Wonderbolts!" said Rainbow Dash.

"I want to see the animals..." muttered Fluttershy.

"Spike!" said Twilight. "What should I do?"

"Spike," said Rarity seductively, "Going to the Gala would make me so happy..."

"You should take Rarity!" yelled Spike.

"Yes!" cheered Rarity. "Then I'll meet Prince Blueblood and have wild, passionate sex with him!"

"DON'T TAKE RARITY! DON'T TAKE RARITY!" screamed Spike.

Everyone started to argue and yell at each other, while Twilight just watched in horrified confusion. It was only after Rainbow Dash's seventh comment about another mare's mother that Twilight finally decided to take action.

"WOULD YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP?!" screamed Twilight.

Everyone stopped yelling...except for Pinkie.

"And then I said, 'Glass? In where?! Are you crazy?'" She noticed that everyone was staring at her. "Oh! This is awkward..."

"Look girls," said Twilight, "I can't make a decision with all of you yelling at me!"

"But Twilight-" began Rarity.

"BITCH, WHAT PART OF BEING QUIET DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!" yelled Twilight.

Rarity squeaked in fear and backed away.

"These are my tickets." explained Twilight. "This is my decision. And I'll make it when I'm good and ready!" Her stomach growled in hunger. "And I need lunch before I make it! So get out of here!" All of the others walked away, mumbling to themselves.

"Bye Twilight..." said Spike sadly.

"Not you, Spike!" said Twilight as she put a hoof to her forehead.

Spike smiled and walked back to Twilight. "Do you think the others will be okay with waiting?" he asked.

"Please Spike. They're grown mares, they'll be okay with waiting."

Applejack looked back at Twilight and muttered, "That ticket-"

Rainbow glared at Twilight and said, "Is going-"

Rarity looked at the retreating unicorn, "To-"

Fluttershy looked away from Angel and growled, "Be-"

Pinkie bounced away and giggled, "Spatula! Oh wait, I mean...MINE!"

* * *

_**I've got a Golden Ticket, I've got a golden twinkle in my eye...**_

**Review or bats will attack your face.**


	7. Favor Fervor

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Favor Fervor**

Twilight and Spike were sitting at an outside restaurant and were waiting to get served. Twilight looked up from the menu and spotted the waiter serving a pink earth pony and Bon Bon a few tables away.

"Hey, Bon Bon." said the pink pony. "You know what's nice?"

"What is it, Daisy?" sighed Bon Bon.

"Getting food! It's soooo nice when you're hungry and there's somepony ready to give you food!" said Daisy.

"Miss, if you would like to order?" said the waiter.

"In a sec." said Daisy, waving the waiter off. She kept blabbing to Bon Bon. "How rude, right? I'm having a private conversation and that waiter thinks he can just interrupt! It's rude!"

"Miss-" began the waiter.

"HEY!" She shouted at him. "Let me finish!"

"Goddammit, Daisy." groaned Bon Bon. "Just order!"

"But first let me-"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! JUST ORDER!" screamed Twilight. Everyone in the restaurant turned to stare at her. Twilight smiled sheepishly and said, "Um, sorry."

As the other ponies went back to their food, Spike stared at Daisy and Bon Bon. "I thought Lyra and Bon Bon were a thing? Why's Bon Bon with Daisy?"

"Spike! Focus!" said Twilight.

"I know, I know." said Spike tiredly. "You're hungry, you don't know who to give the ticket to, you're a nerd, blah blah blah." He sat up straighter and asked, "Why don't you just pick someone to give it to?"

"What the hell do you think I've been doing?!" asked Twilight. "I don't want to disappoint anypony!"

The waiter walked over to their table. "Have you made your decision?" he asked.

"I CAN'T CHOOSE, DAMN IT!" yelled Twilight.

"Well, we do have a list of specials on the front of the menu..." said the waiter.

"He just wants your order, Spaz." said Spike.

"Oh...sorry." said Twilight. She looked over the menu. "I'll have a daffodil and daisy sandwich."

"My God," said Spike. He was staring at Daisy and Bon Bon again. "Can you imagine Lyra in the middle of a Bon Bon and Daisy sandwich?" He drooled slightly. "That's hot..."

"I agree, sir, but what would you like to eat?" asked the waiter.

"Hell, I'd-" began Spike.

"I meant your order, sir." said the waiter.

"Oh! Uh..." Spike looked over the menu again. "Do you have anything with gems?"

"I'm not allowed to say what's in the food." said the waiter.

Spike sighed and said, "Fine. I'll have the hay fries. Extra crispy, please."

"I'll do you one better," said the waiter, "How do burnt fries sound to you?"

"Why are they burnt?" asked Twilight.

The waiter sucked in his breath and said, "Welllllll..."

_Inside the restaurant's kitchen:_

"Derpy!" yelled another waiter. He glared at the cook and asked, "How the hell do you burn a _milkshake_?!"

A grey, wall-eyed Pegasus glared at the waiter and yelled, "Look! If they don't want their food on fire, then write it on the ticket! _Write it on the ticket_!"

_Back outside:_

As the waiter walked away with their orders, Twilight turned to Spike and asked, "What do you think I should do, Spike?"

"I think you should get ready to douse your sandwich." said Spike.

"I mean about the ticket!" said Twilight.

"Oh!" Spike thought for a minute. "Which one is the blue one again? I think you should take him."

Twilight stared at Spike and said, "Spike, that's Rainbow Dash. And she's a girl."

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight." said Spike in disbelief. "Sure he is."

"Your food." said the waiter as he dropped the extra burned fries and the still on fire sandwich on the table.

Twilight looked at her enflamed entree and said hesitantly, "Uh...thanks?"

"Show your appreciation with a tip!" said the waiter as he walked away.

"Ok, ok!" said Twilight cheerfully. As soon as the waiter was gone, she mumbled, "Not likely..."

"I don't know what you're complaining about." said Spike as he shoveled the blackened fries into his mouth. "These are delicious!"

Before Twilight could retort, a stampede of ponies ran by their table. "What's that all about?" she asked.

Spike looked around nervously and said, "Sorry, that might of been me. Fries give me gas."

"I don't think it's that, Spike." said Twilight. "Although that does explain the smell..."

"Uh, miss?" came the waiter's voice. Twilight and Spike looked towards the entrance to the restaurant, where the waiter was poking his head out of the door. "Are you going to eat your food in the rain?"

"What rain?" asked Twilight.

"I think he means _at_ rain." said Spike as he pointed a claw.

Twilight looked and saw that it was raining a couple of feet away from them. In fact, she saw that it was raining everywhere except the area around their table.

"What the hell?" asked Twilight.

"I think God wants us to keep eating." said Spike. He grabbed more of his fries. "And I for one say we do as the Good Lord wishes!"

"Hey!" yelled a voice from above.

Spike fell to his knees. "Oh my God, it's God!" He whipped out a small book. "I wonder if I can get his autograph..."

"What?" said the voice. "I-I mean..." The voice got deeper and said, "Spike! I command thee to never brush your teeth and to masturbate daily!"

"Ha!" said Spike. "Already doin' it!"

"Wait a sec." said Twilight. "Who-?" Twilight looked up and saw a familiar blue face. "Rainbow Dash?"

The blue Pegasus poked her head out of a hole in the overcast sky. "Hey super-best-friend-who-I'd-totally-murder-in-order-to-get-that-ticket! Enjoying the sunny day?"

"Rainbow?" asked Twilight suspiciously. "What are you doing?"

"Definitely not trying to bribe you in order to get that ticket, that's for sure!" Rainbow Dash said. She laughed nervously and asked, "Speaking of which..."

"Shut your face!" yelled Twilight. "And while you're at it, shut that hole in the clouds!"

"Fine, fine, I'm going already." said Dash in defeat. She closed the hole in the clouds and the rain instantly poured down on Twilight and Spike.

"Oh well..." said Twilight. "At least my sandwich is..." She was surprised as she looked at her lunch. "...Still on fire? How is that possible?"

_Inside the kitchen:_

"HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?!" screamed a waiter as he stared at the inferno that used to be the kitchen. "DERPY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!"

"I don't know!" yelled Derpy. "I just used my special secret ingredient!"

"What ingredient?!" asked the waiter.

"Gasoline." said Derpy.

_Back outside:_

"Twilight?" said another voice. Twilight and Spike turned to see Rarity. The unicorn had an umbrella attached to a saddle and was staring at Twilight. "Are you aware that it's raining?"

"No." said Twilight sarcastically. "I had no idea that I was sitting in this freezing rain. Thank you ever so much for telling me, Rarity."

"It's no trouble at all, dear." said Rarity. "But you must get out of this rain! Follow me!"

"Do I have to?" muttered Twilight.

Rarity didn't bother to respond. She just grabbed Twilight and headed for Carousel Boutique. Spike grabbed Twilight's sandwich, stuffed it in his mouth, and ran after them.

Once the two ponies and the dragon were inside Rarity's home, Twilight shook herself like a dog to dry herself off. She smiled and turned towards Rarity...who was now sopping wet. "Uh...sorry?" said Twilight.

Rarity forced her face into in unpleasant looking grin. "Oh it's no problem. After all, we are friends, right?"

"Um...yes?" said Twilight.

"And..." began Rarity, "Of course you know..." Her voice took on a seductive tone as she stepped closer to Twilight, "What friends do to each other, don't you?"

Twilight stared at Rarity in shock. "N-no..."

Spike looked at Rarity lustfully. "Yes."

Rarity fluttered her eyelashes. "They..."

"Yes?" asked Twilight nervously.

"Yes!" said Spike.

"They..." Rarity's voice was now a breathless whisper.

"Y-yes?" squeaked Twilight.

"YES!" yelled Spike

"They give each other makeovers!" cheered Rarity.

"Wait...what?" asked Twilight.

"GODDAMMIT!" said Spike.

Rarity used her magic to grab a curtain, blocking her and Twilight from Spike's view. Spike waited and listened to the commotion that was happening behind the curtain.

"Really, dear, this is the best color for you..."

"Wait a second, Rarity!"

"No, no. This is all wrong."

"Eep! Your hooves are cold!"

Rarity moved the curtain back and Spike saw that Twilight was now dressed in a fashionable looking saddle. "Perfect!" exclaimed Rarity. "Fits you perfectly, darling."

Twilight looked at her outfit and shrugged. "It is kinda pretty isn't it?"

"Women and their clothes..." muttered Spike as he rolled his eyes. "You would never catch me going ga-ga over some stupid..."

"And of course," said Rarity, "We need to make an outfit for Spike as well."

"Oh my God, clothes!" squealed Spike excitedly. He realized what he said, and backtracked, "I-I mean, I don't want an outfit! I don't even want to go to this stupid Gala thing."

"Nonsense!" said Rarity. "I have a dandy outfit for my dashing little dragon!" She used her magic to drag the curtain again. Twilight could only hear snippets of what was happening.

"Ow! My tail!"

"Just have to adjust this...straighten that..."

"Is that a wig? What the fu-"

"Hat! This outfit is just dying for a matching hat!"

The curtain moved back once again, and Twilight looked at her assistant and tried to stifle her giggles. Spike was now dressed in a blue outfit with a yellow sash, a blonde wig, and a black sombrero.

"I look like I belong in a gay Mariachi band!" said Spike as he looked at himself in a mirror.

"Oh, you look so handsome!" cooed Rarity. "Don't you think, Twilight?"

"Very dashing!" said Twilight with a straight face. She couldn't hold it, however, and exploded into a fit of giggles.

"I'm headed back to the library..." muttered Spike, whose face was beet red. "I have to reassert my masculinity by thinking about girls and football and-"

"La Cucaracha?" supplied Twilight, who promptly burst into laughter again.

Spike's only response was to strip out of his outfit and run out the door.

"Oh...oh well." said Rarity. "I don't really mind that he doesn't like it. After all, this is all about _you_, Twilight!"

"You're right!" said Twilight as she looked at herself in a mirror. "This _is_ all about me

"Yes!" agreed Rarity. "It's all about you, me, and the Grand Galloping Gala!"

"Right!" said Twilight. "Me, you, and..." Twilight paused. She looked at Rarity suspiciously. "The Grand Galloping Gala?"

"Oh! And would you look at this!" said Rarity. She went over to a mannequin that was wearing the exact same clothes as Twilight. "I even have an outfit that matches yours perfectly! How bizarre!"

"Yes." said Twilight. "Because it's not like you're the one who made them."

"We'd be the belles of the ball! The apples of many ponies eyes! The sluts of the spotlight!" continued Rarity.

"Uh..." began Twilight.

"Everyone would want to know us! Everyone would want to know _me_!" Rarity's eyes widened and she quickly backtracked. "Us! Everyone would want to know us! Not me. Us."

"Ok," said Twilight, finally catching on, "You wanted to bribe me with a fancy outfit so I'd give you the ticket, right?"

"No! No, of course not!" lied Rarity. "How could you even think-"

Twilight glared at her.

"...Ok. Maybe I tried to bribe you a little." admitted Rarity. "Is it working?"

Twilight pulled off her outfit and said, "No. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get some lunch."

"Did somepony say 'lunch'?" asked a familiar voice. Applejack burst through the door of the boutique and grabbed Twilight.

"What is happening?!" screamed Twilight.

"Hush you." said Applejack as she threw Twilight outside.

Twilight pulled her face out of the dirt and looked up to see a cart loaded with food. "Seriously?" asked Twilight.

"Seriously." said Applejack. "Ah've got apple-"

"I DON'T CARE!" yelled Twilight. "ALL THESE FAVORS AREN'T HELPING ME DECIDE WHO GETS THE TICKET!" She ran away, yelling, "I HATE DECISIONS!"

Applejack stared after Twilight in confusion. Rarity trotted out of the building and asked, "You didn't have any luck trying to get the ticket either, huh?"

Applejack shook her head and said, "Ah was just givin' her lunch! Mah bribe was gonna be to have Big Macintosh sleep with her."

"You'd whore out your own brother just to get that ticket?" asked a shocked Rarity.

"Um...yeah." said Applejack.

"...Nice." said Rarity.

_A minute later:_

Twilight slowed to a walk as she approached the library. "Crazy ponies trying to get my ticket..." she muttered to herself, "I just need a few minutes alone to think about who to give it to." Twilight smiled as she opened the door to the library. "Luckily, my library is the one place where I can be all alo-"

"She's an uptown, get around, anything goes girl!" sang a soft voice.

"...No..." said Twilight slowly as she looked around the library. Animals and birds scurried and flew around the library, sweeping dust off the shelves and putting away books. Twilight spotted Fluttershy, who was singing and dusting Twilight's Starswirl the Bearded portrait.

"She's a hardcore, candy-store, gimme-some-more girl!" sang Fluttershy.

"HOOVES OFF MY MAN, WHORE!" screamed Twilight, running towards the portrait.

Fluttershy squeaked in fear and spun around to see the purple unicorn running at her. "Tw-Twilight! You're here! And you're...you're...making out with a painting?"

Twilight pulled her lips away from Starswirl's painted ones and said, "We're just friends, I swear!"

Fluttershy (and her animals) stared at Twilight for a moment. "On second thought," said Fluttershy, "You can keep the ticket, Twilight. I'll just be...somewhere else..." Fluttershy and her animals slowly backed out of the library, leaving Twilight alone with the portrait.

"...That was awkward." said Twilight. She turned to the painting and said, "Don't look at me like that! I had to say we we're just friends to keep up appearances!"

Starswirl, being a painting, said nothing.

"Giving me the silent treatment, huh?" said Twilight. "That's okay. I like it when you're mad. It makes you more..." she started rubbing her hoof on the painted Starswirl's chest, "...dangerous..."

"Wow." said another familiar voice. "That's messed up."

"You're telling me." said Spike's voice. "I remember one night I walked downstairs and Twilight was wearing-"

"Spike! Stop telling other ponies my fetishes!" screamed Twilight. She turned to see Spike and Pinkie Pie staring at her. "Oh. Hello, Pinkie." said Twilight sheepishly.

"Hi!" said Pinkie as she waved frantically. She held out her hoof and said, "Ticket, please!"

"Sure!" said Twilight.

"Really?!" asked Pinkie.

"NO!" screamed Twilight. "Like I've told every-goddamn-pony else, I will give someone the ticket when I am good and ready!"

"Oh..." said Pinkie in realization. She was silent for a few moments before asking, "...Are you good and ready now?"

Twilight put her hoof to her forehead and said weakly, "No. No, I'm not."

"Ok!" said Pinkie. She headed to the door and opened it. "See you later!" She walked out and shut the door.

"...That was surprisingly easy." said Twilight. She turned to Spike and said, "Now, let's get some-"

The door opened and Pinkie stuck her head in. "Oh, Twilight?" she asked. "What am I supposed to tell the ponies at the party?"

"Party?" asked Twilight. She walked over to the door and looked out. "What party?"

Loud dubstep music played as nearly all of Ponyville partied on the lawn of the library. A blue-maned mare with sunglasses was the DJ, and was scratching disks and mixing music and a purple pony with fruit as her Cutie Mark was supplying drinks to the partying ponies.

As Twilight and Spike wandered out of the library, Pinkie smiled at Twilight and said, "What do you think?"

"What do I [_think_?!" yelled Twilight.

"That's what I'm asking you, silly!" Pinkie yelled, trying to be heard over the loud music. "Do I get the ticket?"

"Pinkie, I'm not giving you the ticket." said Twilight.

"What!?" yelled Pinkie. "I can't hear you!" The music seemed to increase in volume.

"I said, 'I'm not giving you the ticket'!" yelled Twilight.

"What ticket!?" asked Pinkie Pie. The song ended abruptly.

Not realizing that the music had stopped, Twilight yelled, "THE TICKET TO THE GRAND GALLOPING GALA!"

Everyone at the party stared at Twilight. "Did she say 'Grand Galloping Gala'?" someone asked.

"...Shit." said Twilight. The ponies started to slowly advance towards Twilight.

"TIME TO GO!" yelled Spike as he grabbed Twilight's leg and started to run.

"GET HER!" Yelled the ponies in unison. They all ran after Twilight and Spike, several of them yelling the favors that they could do if they were given the ticket.

_Several minutes of running around later:_

Twilight and Spike were hiding behind the garbage cans in the back of Sugarcube Corner. "Spike!" whispered Twilight. "Go see if they're gone!" She pushed Spike out into the open.

Spike nervously looked around. Seeing nothing, he whispered, "I think they're gone!"

"You think who's gone?" asked another voice.

Spike spun around and came face-to-face with Lyra and Bon Bon. "Oh! Hey, ladies!" said Spike nervously. "How's it hangin'?"

"Cut the crap, Spike." said Lyra. "Where's Twilight?"

"Yeah, where's Twilight?" asked Bon Bon.

"Oh. She...uh...died." lied Spike.

"She died?" repeated Bon Bon in disbelief. "Why should we believe you?"

"Because...because...because Bon Bon has been seeing Daisy behind your back, Lyra!" Spike yelled.

"What?!" yelled Lyra.

"Wait, I can explain!" pleaded Bon Bon. "We're just friends!"

"How could you do this to me?!" asked Lyra.

"Don't act like you're innocent!" yelled Bon Bon. "Remember that time I caught you with Octavia?"

"That was a professional relationship and you know it!" yelled Lyra.

The two mares started to bicker and left. Twilight walked out from behind the garbage and said, "Spike, I'm rehiring you."

Spike sighed and said, "There goes my vacation to New Mexicolt..." He looked around and asked, "Hey...were all these ponies here before?"

Twilight looked around and found, to her horror, that several ponies had surrounded them. "Oh crap." she said.

"Ticket!" said the ponies. They slowly advanced on Twilight. "Tiiiiiiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeet..."

"Twilight!" yelled Spike as he clutched her leg, "We need to get out of here! This reminds me too much _of The Trotting Dead_!"

"Tiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeet..." moaned the ponies. "Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiickeeeeeeeeee t..."

"TWILIGHT! DO SOMETHING!" screamed Spike.

"Spike." said Twilight. "I'm going to do something that I've only done once."

"You're...gonna...pay me?" asked Spike.

"What?" asked Twilight. "Don't be ridiculous. I meant that I'm going to do...THIS!" Twilight's horn glowed and she and Spike disappeared in a flash of light.

The crowd of ponies stopped and stared at where Twilight and Spike used to be. "...Well that sucks." said one.

_At the library:_

A bright flash of light lit the darkened library as Twilight and Spike reappeared. Twilight clutched her head and moaned while an extremely burnt Spike covered his eyes.

"DEAR GOD, I THINK I'M BLIND!" screamed Spike.

Twilight shook her head and said, "I didn't even need Nightmare Moon to teleport this time! I'm getting better at controlling it!" She turned towards Spike and said happily, "Isn't it great, Spike?"

"IT BURNS!" shrieked Spike as he rubbed his eyes.

"And we're all alone! This is great!" cheered Twilight.

"Uh...not exactly..." said a voice.

Twilight froze. Her smile disappeared as she turned slowly around. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity were all standing by the window. Pinkie waved at Twilight and said, "Hi!"

"...Ha...Haha...Hahahahahahahahahaha..." Twilight started laughing as she felt her mind break. "Hahahahahahaha!"

"Is she alright?" asked Rarity.

"I'm guessing...no." said Rainbow Dash.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAH!" Twilight's laughter turned to horrified screams as she threw herself on the floor. "I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY! I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHO TO GIVE THE TICKET TO! I WANTED TO CHOOSE BUT IT'S IMPORTANT TO ALL OF YOU AND YOU ALL GAVE ME FAVORS AND GIFTS AND ALL I WANTED WAS SOME FUCKING LUNCH! I JUST WANTED LUNCH GODDAMMIT AND YOU ARE ALL MY FRIENDS AND I WANT ALL OF YOU TO BE HAPPY AND FLUTTERSHY AND PINKIE SAW ME MAKE OUT WITH A PAINTING AND DON'T HATE ME DON'T HATE ME DON'T HATE ME DON'T-"

"TWILIGHT!" yelled Applejack. "AH'M SORRY!"

"...What?" asked Twilight.

"Ah said...'Ah'm sorry'." repeated Applejack. "Ah didn't mean to make ya feel this stressed out about that stupid ticket. In fact, Ah don't even want it anymore. Give it to one of the others."

"Me too." said Fluttershy, flying over to Twilight. "I don't even care about your creepy crush on that painting."

"I'm sorry too!" said Pinkie. "About the ticket thing and about watching you flirt with a painting of a dead guy!"

"Twilight, I apologize." chimed in Rarity. "I should never have tried to bribe you. Although that outfit was stunning on you, darling, I really should give it to you."

"YES!" cheered Rainbow Dash. "I'M GETTING THE TICKET! IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES!"

Everyone but Twilight glared at Dash. Applejack cleared her throat loudly.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry about the ticket thing too, I guess..." said Rainbow Dash.

"We all got a little carried away," said Applejack. "We're sorry."

"...Spike?" asked Twilight. "Can you write a letter?"

"Yeah, you know I can. I write your letters all the time." said Spike.

"I mean, can you write a letter right now?" asked Twilight.

"Yeah. I mean, my wrist has been cramping up lately, but it's nothing that can stop me from-"

"Spike! Grab a quill and some paper and start writing!" ordered Twilight.

"Oh!" said Spike. He grabbed his quill and a roll of parchment. "Why didn't you say so?"

"For the love of- just write what I'm about to say, alright?" Twilight cleared her throat and said, "_Dear Princess Celestia...I'm sending back these tickets because everypony has been driving me crazy all day! I mean, _two_ tickets? For the _six_ bearers of the Elements of Harmony? Plus an assistant? Are you kidding? What kind of an idiot sends two tickets for six ponies and one dragon? It's ridiculous! Signed, your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."_

Spike finished the signature with a flourish. "Done!"

Twilight used her magic to put the two tickets inside the scroll. "Send it!"

As Spike used his fire to send the letter, Applejack turned to Twilight and said, "What do ya think the Princess will do?"

Spike belched out a letter, and he caught and opened it. "We're about to find out." He began to read, "_My Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle. Sorry for the mix-up, I entrusted the Royal Mail Department to send out all of the invitations and tickets, and I _thought _that I could trust them to send the right amount of tickets. Clearly, I was wrong. So I'm having them all executed. See you at the Gala!_" Spike pulled out seven tickets. "Hey!" he said, "There's enough tickets for everyone!"

"Yay!" said Twilight. "Now we can all go!"

The ponies cheered and Twilight used her magic to grab the tickets and give them to everyone. "Now," said Twilight, "Let's go get some dinner! I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"

Everyone gasped and stared at Twilight.

"Relax!" Twilight said. "I'm just kidding." Everyone started laughing. "But seriously," said Twilight, "If I don't get some food I'm going to kill and eat all of you."

* * *

**Time for sleep. *Passes out***

**Review or Twilight will eat 100 horses.**


	8. The MotherBEEPing Applebuck Season

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own MLP: FIM. Thank your deity (or lack thereof) that I don't.**

* * *

**Chapter 8: The Mother#$*king Applebuck Season**

"So run that by me again..." said Applejack. "Ya hurt yer _what_ doin' _what_?"

It had been a few days since the tickets arrived and almost all of the ponies could not stop thinking about the Gala. Almost all of them, that is, except for Applejack. She couldn't simply stop focusing on work just cause of some fancy frou-frou Gala! She had apples to buck! And it was the start of the busiest time at Sweet Apple Acres: Applebuck season. All of the trees would be loaded down with apples and it was her job to harvest all of them. Fortunately, Applejack would normally have her big brother, Big Macintosh, to help her out. Unfortunately...

"Ah told ya." said Big Mac, "Ah broke three ribs when that branch fell on me the other day, my appendix has ruptured, and I'm bleedin' from the eyes."

"But that's never stopped ya before!" said Applejack.

"And Ah think Ah pulled something when Ah I had ta prance around in Granny's thong." Big Mac said as he glared at his little sister.

"Hey, Ah won our little bet fair and square." said Applejack. "Besides, _you're_ the one that insisted that you had ta wear it if ya lost." Applejack paused and looked at her brother in confusion. "Why _did_ you insist that you had ta wear it if ya lost?"

Big Mac shrugged and said, "Sometimes a man has just gotta feel pretty. And if he has ta wear a sparkly G-string ta do it, then by damn, he's gonna wear a sparkly G-string."

"Ah'm gonna pretend like Ah didn't hear that." said Applejack. She looked at the massive orchard and said, "Well, it looks like Ah got mah work cut out for me. I best get started."

"Hang on," said Big Mac, "That's way too much work for one pony."

"ARE YOU SAYIN' THAT AH CAN'T DO IT?!" screamed Applejack.

"No!" said Big Macintosh. "Well...yeah."

"AH'LL SHOW YOU! AH'LL BUCK THESE APPLES BETTER THAN YOU EVER COULD!" Applejack ran off and yelled back, "YOU'LL SEE!"

Big Macintosh stared after his little sister for a moment. Then he shrugged and walked off, saying, "Ah think I need ta go feel pretty again. Where's Granny's old cocktail dress?"

Applejack muttered to herself as she walked over to a tree. "Stupid crossdressin' know-it-all...What does he know? Ah can get all these apples down in no time!"

"And don't forget to take Winona for a walk!" yelled Big Mac.

"Why do Ah always have to take her for a walk?!" screamed back Applejack.

"Don't sass me! Just do it!" hollered Big Mac.

"...Dammit..." muttered Applejack.

_Meanwhile…_

A rumbling noise could be heard all throughout Ponyville as the ground began to shake. Rainbow Dash, having been woken from her third mid-morning nap, flew up into the air to see what the deal was.

"This better be important..." she muttered to herself. "I was having that dream where the entire Wonderbolts team arrives in my bedroom and we all-"

"Rainbow Dash!" yelled Twilight from the ground. "What do your Pegasus eyes see?"

"The orcs are taking the hobbits to Isengard!" shouted Rainbow Dash.

"...Really?"

"No, not really! I can't see anything!" Rainbow Dash squinted and tried to spot what was causing the ground to shake. "It's just the same old, same old. The same trees, the same fields, the same giant dust cloud, the same strip joint..."

"Wait, what?!" asked Twilight.

"Yeah, it's called Stripsie's. It's a decent place, but there's this loud stripper that always shouts her name at people. I can't really remember what her name is, I get kinda shit-faced whenever I go there..."

"NO!" yelled Twilight. "What about the giant dust cloud?"

"Oh!" said Rainbow Dash. "There's a giant dust cloud headed right for us. It's probably a stampede." Dash was silent for a few moments. "...A stampede's bad, right?"

"STAMPEDE!" yelled Twilight.

Rainbow Dash squinted her eyes and said, "I think it's a bunch of cows."

"COW STAMPEDE!" yelled Twilight.

The ponies of Ponyville began to panic and started to do what they normally do in times of crisis: Run home, rush upstairs, and dive under the bed until the crisis is over.

Pinkie Pie, oblivious to the panicking ponies surrounding her, said, "I haven't felt shaking this hard since Mr. and Mrs. Cake had their anniversary."

"Pinkie," began Twilight, "What are you talking about?"

"Well, it was late at night and Mr. Cake was like, 'If the room starts rockin', don't come a-knockin'.' and then he grabbed the whipped cream and headed upstairs and-"

"I get it!" yelled Twilight.

The Mayor walked into the center of town and shouted, "Everyone remain calm! This is no time to panic!"

Rarity walked up to the Mayor and asked, "What should we do, Mayor?"

"I don't know! I'm panicking!" shouted the Mayor.

"LOOK!" Shouted Rainbow Dash.

"WHAT, WHAT IS IT?" Yelled the Mayor.

"...The quills and sofas place is having a 'Buy One, Get One Free' sale." said Rainbow Dash. "Oh yeah, and Applejack is running with the cows."

"She what?" asked everyone as they turned to look.

Applejack and her dog Winona were running side-by-side with the stampede. Applejack shouted, "Look at that bull over there!"

The cows suddenly stopped and looked around for the imaginary bull.

"That was anticlimactic." observed Pinkie Pie.

"What in the name of Alan Jackson's mustache are you idiots doin'?!" Applejack yelled at the cows.

One of the cows cleared her throat and said, "Sorry Applejack, but we saw a snake!" The other cows nodded in agreement.

"A snake." repeated Applejack. "A snake made you start a stampede."

"It was scary!" said the cow. "It was just lying there, without a head, and spitting water at us!"

"...Are ya sure it wasn't a garden hose?" asked Applejack.

"Oh..." said the cow in realization. "Oops."

"Just git outta here." said Applejack.

"Ok, ok." said the cow. "Come on, girls! Let's head to that McDonald's place! I have a hankering for another hamburger!" She paused and said, "I wonder what those are made out of?"

"Maybe we'll track down Mootilda." said another cow. "No one's seen her since we went there last week."

As the cows went off to unknowingly become cannibals, Applejack headed back to Sweet Apple Acres.

"That was awesome!" said Pinkie Pie. "We should give Applejack a prize!"

"That's not a bad idea." said the Mayor.

"We should have her become mayor!" continued Pinkie Pie.

"That _is_ a bad idea and you should never suggest that EVER again!" replied the Mayor. "But what can we do to show Applejack our gratitude?"

"I know!" said Pinkie.

"A party?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"I was going to say 'cash prizes', but sure, I guess a party could work." said Pinkie.

_About a week later_

Town Hall was decked out in streamers, balloons, and various other party decorations. Twilight and Spike walked over to Rarity, who was tying a ribbon on a tree.

"We done?" asked Twilight.

"What do you mean, 'we'?" asked Rarity. _"You_ have been lounging in the shade, while _I've_ been doing all the work!"

"So?" asked Twilight.

"So it's supposed to be _me_ who's lounging in the shade!" Rarity sighed dramatically. "Oh, is an artist's work never done? Am I to slave my life away for the gratification of others without giving thought to my own desires? Am I-"

"Rarity, are you done with decorating for the party?" Twilight interrupted.

"Oh! I still have one more thing." said Rarity. She used her magic to lift a banner up and hang it from Town Hall. "What do you think?" she asked.

Twilight looked at the banner and read the words on it, "_Congratulations, It's A Boy_?"

"It was the only banner I could find." explained Rarity.

"Oh well." said Twilight. "Is Applejack here?"

"I don't know." said Rarity. "Ask Rainbow Dash."

"DID SOMEBODY SAY 'RAINBOW DASH'?!" yelled Dash as she knocked Rarity aside.

"Have you seen Applejack?" asked Twilight.

"I actually haven't seen her all week." admitted Rainbow Dash. "But don't worry, Applejack is never late!"

_Two hours later…_

"WHERE THE FUCK IS APPLEJACK?!" screamed Rainbow Dash. She paced back and forth.

"We could look for her at Sweet Apple Acres..." suggested Fluttershy.

"Hey hey hey!" said Rainbow Dash. "Who's in charge here?"

"Y-you are sir! I mean ma'am!"

"We don't have time to go all the way to Sweet Apple Acres!" Rainbow Dash turned around and pointed a hoof at Town Hall, where most of Ponyville had gathered. "Twilight's going to start her speech soon!"

"So what should we do?" asked Fluttershy.

"I guess we wait and see if Applejack shows up during the speech." said Rainbow Dash. The two Pegasi flew back into the crowd of ponies and watched as Twilight got on stage.

Twilight, once she reached the podium, used her magic to grab a stack of note cards. She cleared her throat and said, "Welcome everypony! We are gathered here today to witness the union of two ponies in the bonds of holy matrimony-"

Spike ran across the stage and whispered in Twilight's ear.

"What do you mean, it's not a wedding?" said Twilight.

"It's the speech about Applejack." explained Spike.

"Oh. Well, alright then." Twilight cleared her throat and started over, "We are here today to honor a pony we can always count on! That pony is, of course, Applej-"

"APPLEJACK IS AWESOME!" yelled Rainbow Dash. She flew up to the stage and pushed Twilight out of the way. "She's gonna help me with my stunts and it's...gonna be...SO AWESOME!" Rainbow Dash pushed her cheeks together and puckered her lips.

"Rainbow Dash?" asked Twilight. "What the hell is with your face?"

"I...can't...stop..." said Dash. "I think...my face...is...frozen."

"Great." said Twilight as she kicked Rainbow Dash off the stage. "Now then, Applejack is-"

"I get to run Sugar Cube Corner for the first time!" interrupted Pinkie Pie.

"Pinkie, what the hell does that have to do with Applejack?" asked Twilight.

"Who?" asked Pinkie. "Oh yeah! Applejack is going to help me! She is the best baker in Ponyville."

"BULLSHIT!" screamed Mrs. Cake from the crowd.

"Everything Applejack makes is great!" continued Pinkie. "Free samples for everyone!"

The crowd cheered as Mr. Cake shouted, "That's right! It's free...with a payment of 15 bits!"

"That is fantastic." said Twilight as she slammed Pinkie's face into the podium and threw her back into the crowd. "Now, does anyone have anymore stupid, inane announcements?"

"Excuse me? Twilight?" came a soft voice. Fluttershy slunk over to the podium and stared up at Twilight.

Twilight sighed and said, "Make it quick."

"Sorry, but Applejack is also helping me!" said Fluttershy. "She's helping me with the Bunny Census this week."

"Ok, you're done." said Twilight, approaching Fluttershy.

"Bitch, you try to throw me off stage and I will fucking cut you." growled Fluttershy. She walked offstage.

"Ok, anyone else?" asked Twilight. No one rushed up on stage. "Anyone? How 'bout you, Rarity? You keep eyeballing me. Is Applejack helping you sew apples on your dresses?"

"Oh, darling!" laughed Rarity. "Bananas are what's in this season. Apples were so 2 months ago."

"Ok. Great. Fantastic. Now..." Twilight looked over her notes. "We are here today-"

"YOU'RE DONE!" screamed the Mayor. She ran up and smacked Twilight in the face and threw her off stage. The Mayor adjusted her glasses, cleared her throat, and said, "Without further ado, it is my privilege to present this giant trophy to our guest of honor! Ponyville's most dependable, reliable, slightly smelly friend: Applejack!"

There was silence as Ponyville waited for Applejack to come up on stage.

"Applejack!" repeated the Mayor.

More silence.

"Where the hell is she?" asked the Mayor.

"Ah'm here!" yelled a voice. Ponyville's collective heads turned to see a very tired looking Applejack stumble her way to the stage. "Hi, Mayor!" greeted Applejack as she reached the podium. She grabbed the Mayor's face and kissed her. She broke the kiss and said, "It's always good to see ya." She stumbled over to the trophy and said, "Thanks for this award thing. It's bitchin'!" She yawned and pressed her face against the trophy. "Ah'm gonna marry this thing and make little trophy babies."

"I don't think that marriage is legal in this town." whispered Spike to Twilight.

"It's so bright and shiny..." said a loopy Applejack. She looked at the trophy and screamed, "AHH, MONSTER!" She blinked and took a closer look. "Oh, it's just me! God, Ah look weird in this thing! It's like...like...like..." She tried to think of a word to describe her reflection. "...Aw, fuck it. Watch me everyone!" She moved her head back and forth. "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo..."

Pinkie came up on stage and copied Applejack. "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!"

Applejack looked over at Pinkie and said, "Whoo."

Pinkie replied, "Whoo."

"Whoo?" asked Applejack.

"Whoo!" answered Pinkie Pie.

The two mares turned back to the trophy and started moving their heads back and forth in unison. "Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!"

Twilight shook her head and walked up to Applejack. "Thanks for saving us from the stampede, Applejack."

Applejack yawned and said, "Thanks, Rarity. Ah like helpin' folks out with their bullshit."

"I'm Twilight." said Twilight Sparkle.

"That's nice." yawned Applejack. She walked over the trophy and said, "Now, Ah'm just gonna take this trophy and back home. Later sluts!" She grabbed the trophy's handle and dragged it offstage.

"What the hell is wrong with Applejack?" asked Twilight.

"I don't know, Rarity." replied Pinkie.

"I'M TWILIGHT!" yelled "Rarity".

* * *

**She really is Twilight by the way.**

**Review or Big Macintosh will wear **_**your**_** cocktail dress. You know you have one.**


	9. Applejack Destroys Ponyville

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: No matter how much I want to, I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. *Sob***

* * *

**Chapter 9: Applejack Destroys Ponyville**

"Hey!" yelled Applejack. She was back at Sweet Apple Acres and was glaring at something. "Ah'm sick and tired of yer bullshit! Ah oughta kick yer ass!" She glared at what was making her angry. "That's it! Yer goin' down!" She kicked out and hit the annoyance. "That'll show ya, bitch!"

Twilight walked over to Applejack and asked, "Applejack, you know you're yelling at a tree, right?"

Applejack rolled her eyes and moved on to another tree. "Well, of course, Ah'm yellin' at the trees, Twilight. They've been freeloadin' here fer years!"

"Applejack, they're trees. They can't move." explained Twilight.

"Don't give me some sob story about how they just moved and just got attached to the place." said a woozy Applejack. "If they don't have the rent money, that's their problem." She kicked another innocent tree right in its knothole.

"But...they...nevermind." groaned Twilight as she facehoofed. "What the hell are you doing anyway?"

"Uh, what does it look like Ah'm doin'?" asked Applejack. "Ah'm applebuckin'."

Twilight's eyes widened as she looked at Applejack. "I-I'm sorry?"

"Ah'm applebuckin'."

Twilight's face turned green. "Oh my God, that's disgusting!"

"What?" asked Applejack. "It's just applebuckin'."

"How...why? Why?" asked Twilight.

"Cuz it's Applebuck Season!" replied Applejack.

"You have a whole season devoted to _that_?!" asked Twilight.

"Well when else are we supposed ta applebuck?" asked Applejack.

"That's just-" Twilight's eyes widened in understanding. "Wait, are you saying apple_bucking_?"

"Yeah, what did ya think Ah said?" asked Applejack.

"Uh...nothing." lied Twilight. "So what is Applef- I mean, Applebuck Season?"

"It's what we call harvestin' time." explained Applejack. "We take all the apples and sell 'em so we don't starve or have to cannibalize each other."

"Oh." said Twilight. "Wait, why are you doing this all alone? Where's your family?"

"Well, Big Mac got hurt, Granny's older than dirt, and...uh...let's just say that we had a bad experience with Apple Bloom last year..."

_Last Year…_

Sweet Apple Acres was in flames. From the safety of a nearby hill, the entire Apple family turned to glare at Apple Bloom.

"Um...Caramel did it?"

"BuLlSHIt!" yelled Caramel.

_Now…_

"Wait, what about all the others?" asked Twilight. "The ones you introduced to me when I met you?"

Applejack yawned and said, "They was just here for the Apple family reunion. All except Braeburn. The lazy good-for-nothin'..." Applejack shook her head and continued, "Anyway, Ah'm on my own, and Ah should really get back to work."

"But..."

"The only 'but' I want to see is yours leaving." said Applejack.

"Fine, fine." said Twilight. "Just let me know if you need help, okay?"

"Sure!" said Applejack. She started muttering, "Stuck up bookworm thinks she can come here and tell me how to do my job..."

"Applejack, I'm still here." said Twilight.

"Yeah, Ah know." Applejack started to walk away. "Now, excuse me, but Ah got apples to buck."

"That still sounds weird." said Twilight.

_One Day Later…_

Rainbow Dash was pacing back and forth with a pissed off expression on her face. She heard hoofsteps behind her and turned to see Applejack running towards her.

"It's about time!" yelled Rainbow Dash.

"Sorry, Ah was-"

"NO TIME!" Screamed Dash. "STUNTS NOW!" She grabbed Applejack and turned her around. "See that?" she said as she pointed at a catapult. "Ok, I'm going to stand on one end of the launcher, you'll climb on top of that platform," she pointed at a platform placed near the catapult, "You jump down onto the opposite end, and I'll be launched straight into stardom!"

"How?" asked Applejack.

"What?"

"How will this contraption 'launch ya into stardom'?" asked Applejack.

"Well, _duh_ Applejack! _Launch_? _Catapult_? It's simple math! I think..."

"If you say so..." said Applejack. "But isn't that a little dangerous?"

"No, no, no." said Rainbow Dash. "You don't have to worry at all about me getting hurt. All you have to do is remember that one teensy-tiny little mistake could be fatal for me, you, and all of Equestria." Dash smiled at Applejack, "So no pressure."

"Great..." mumbled Applejack. She trotted over to the ladder and climbed up to the top of the platform.

"Ready?" asked Rainbow.

"No." said Applejack. She took a deep breath and jumped off the platform...and landed face-first into the ground. Once she peeled her face from the ground, she said to Dash, "Sorry, sorry. Let me try that again."

_Several minutes of faceplants later..._

"Ok. Applejack, what the hell is going on?" asked Rainbow Dash when Applejack had failed to launch her for the fifteenth time. "I mean, I went to all this trouble to build this thing," she pointed to the catapult, "And you can't even land on it!"

"Ah know, Ah know!" yelled Applejack. She thought for a few moments. "Hang on, I got an idea..." She walked off to get what she needed.

_A couple of minutes later..._

"Ready!" yelled Applejack. She was up on the platform, but this time she was not alone. This time she was joined by a massive boulder.

"Uh...Applejack?" said Rainbow Dash. "I don't think this is such a good idea. Maybe we should go-"

"Go?" said Applejack. "Go!" she pushed the boulder off the platform. The boulder hit the target, but launched Rainbow Dash into the air so quickly, she didn't have any time to prepare herself. She flew through the air, screaming, "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" at the top of her lungs.

Applejack watched as Rainbow Dash was shot through the air. "Nothin' like a job well done!" she said happily.

_Meanwhile, at the library..._

Twilight decided to read a book out on the balcony. She heard Spike working inside. "Hey Twilight?" he yelled. "Where do you want your collection of glass figurines?"

"Put it by the fine china!" yelled Twilight. Her ears twitched. She looked around in confusion. _That's weird,_ she thought, _That sounded like screaming..._ Twilight looked and saw a blue blur heading straight for her.

"OUT OF THE WAY!" screamed Rainbow Dash as she came closer.

Twilight ducked and Dash flew straight into the library. She heard a crash, Spike swearing, and the sound of her plates and glass figures shattering. Twilight stood up, closed her book, and sighed, "Why do I have a feeling that this has something to do with Applejack?"

"Because it does!" yelled Dash from inside.

"My leg!" groaned Spike.

"Pansy." said Rainbow Dash.

_A few minutes later..._

Applejack kicked a tree and started to gather the apples that fell from it. She grabbed one with her teeth and lifted her head...only to smash her head against a tree branch. In pain, she lurched violently and smashed her head into another tree branch. Rubbing her head, she turned to see Twilight staring at her.

"Applejack? Can we talk?" asked Twilight.

Due to her head trauma, all Applejack heard was, "Applejack? Can we clop?"

Applejack's eyes widened as she stuttered, "L-look Twilight, yer a pretty mare and all, but Ah only like you as a friend."

"Wh-No!" said Twilight. "I said, 'Can we talk?'"

Applejack heard, "Can we stalk?"

"What?!" asked Applejack. "Stalk who? Is it Pinkie Pie? Ah heard rumors about you two..."

"CAN WE TALK!?" screamed Twilight.

"Of course we can talk!" said Applejack. "We're talkin' right now, Twilight. What made ya think we couldn't?"

"You know what?" said Twilight. "Fuck this, fuck you, you need help."

"NO HELP!" yelled Applejack. "EVER!" She ran away.

"Whelp, I tried." said Twilight.

_Later, at Sugarcube Corner..._

"Now Pinkie," began Mrs. Cake, "are you sure you can handle things here?"

"Sure can't!" said Pinkie happily.

"What?" asked Mrs. Cake.

"Sorry, sorry." said Pinkie. "I meant, 'Sure can'. Damn autocorrect..."

Mr. Cake shook his head as he grabbed boxes, "Thank God Applejack's here..."

Applejack nodded her head and said woozily, "That's right. I am here."

Pinkie bounced in place as she said, "That's right! You two have nothing to worry about because Applejack is here with me! She's the best baker in all of Ponyville!"

"BULLSHIT!" screamed Mrs. Cake. "I-uh-I mean, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about. Even though me and Carrot Cake won't be here, you'll at least have Ponyville's _second-best_ baker to help you." Her eye twitched as she whispered to herself, "I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best I'm the best..."

"Should we go, dear?" asked Mr. Cake.

Mrs. Cake turned to her husband and growled, "**Don't tell me what to do, sperm bank**." She stomped out of the bakery, mumbling to herself.

Mr. Cake gulped nervously, said, "Yes, dear", and followed her out of the building.

As soon as the Cakes left, Pinkie screamed, "KITCHEN!" She picked up Applejack and threw her into the kitchen. Pinkie walked in and said, "While I get the sugar, eggs, and MSG, you can get the chocolate chips."

"Sure, sure." said Applejack with a yawn. "What kind of chips?" she asked.

Pinkie repeated what she had just said, but to Applejack it seemed like she said, "Poker Chips." Shrugging, Applejack went back to Sweet Apple Acres and grabbed Granny Smith's poker chips. She ran back to Sugarcube Corner and dropped them into the bowl. "What's next?" she asked.

"Baking soda!" said Pinkie, who noticed Applejack putting poker chips into the bowl but didn't say anything out of fear that she'd ruin the chapter.

"Soda? Okay..." Applejack looked in the fridge for soda. She came back and said, "I couldn't find any soda, but will these energy drinks work?"

"Yep!" said Pinkie, who was now interested to see what else Applejack would put into the bowl. As Applejack poured five cans of energy drink into the mix, Pinkie said, "A cup of flour."

"A cup of hour?" repeated Applejack. She grabbed a clock and shoved into the bowl. "Weird..."

"...The last ingredient is wheat germ." said Pinkie.

Applejack glared at Pinkie and said, "Now look Pinkie, Ah may tired and out of it right now, but there's no way I'm putting worms into the muffins."

"You're right Applejack." said Pinkie. "What was I thinking? The last ingredient is cyanide."

"That's better." said Applejack. She went to go get some cyanide.

"I can't believe that worked." said Pinkie Pie with a grin. This was going to be fun.

_Later..._

"So...what exactly happened, Pinkie?" asked Twilight as she stared at the sick ponies around her. She, Pinkie Pie, and Spike (who had a cast on his broken leg) were all standing in an emergency medical tent, with sick ponies all around them.

"I don't know Twilight!" lied Pinkie Pie. "I thought Applejack baked baked goods, not baked bads."

Twilight sighed and said, "I'll go talk to her." She turned to Spike and said, "Stay here and help Nurse Redheart, Spike." She walked out of the tent and headed towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Pinkie sighed and mumbled, "Once Applejack learned what she did, she'll _have_ to accept help from everyone. Then we can move on to the next chapter."

"What's that, Pinkie?" asked Spike.

"Oh, nothing!" answered Pinkie. "Go help out Nurse Redheart."

"You're here to help?" asked a nurse with white fur and a pink mane. "Great! You can start by cleaning the used bedpans. Follow me."

"Sure!" said Spike. He hobbled to where Nurse Redheart was walking to. "What are bedpans?"

_Back at Sweet Apple Acres..._

Applejack woke with a start. She looked around and discovered, much to her frustration, that she had fallen asleep while harvesting apples. She growled in anger and pulled the cart she was using to gather the apples towards a bucket. She dumped the apples, but was lifted up into the air when the cart tipped over. "Goddammit..." she muttered.

"Applejack, you got some 'splainin' to do!" yelled Twilight as she walked over to her.

"Twilight?" asked Applejack, who got an upside down view of her friend. "Look, those ponies were sick when Ah got there! No one can prove otherwise!"

"I call 'bullshit' on you, madam." said Twilight. "But we'll deal with that later. I want to tell you something. Something very important."

"What is it?" asked Applejack.

Twilight shushed her. "What I'm about to tell you will change your life forever. Are you ready?"

"What is it?" whispered Applejack. "Ah can take it!"

Twilight leaned closer and whispered, "Ok, this is the message." Twilight cleared her throat and yelled, "YOU NEED HELP YOU FREAKIN' IDIOT!"

"No!" yelled Applejack. She struggled to get right side up, to no avail. "Um...a little help?" she asked sheepishly.

Twilight sighed and used her magic to put Applejack and the cart right side up.

"Thanks." said Applejack. "Anyway, like I was sayin'..." She cleared her throat and yelled, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOO!" She ran away, leaving Twilight alone again.

"That pony is as stubborn as a mule." said Twilight. She turned around to see a mule looking at her with tears in his eyes. "Oooh..."

"Nice." said the mule, his voice breaking. He started crying, ran away, and screamed, "REAL NICE!"

"Now I have two people mad at me..." said Twilight.

_Hours Later..._

Fluttershy, Applejack, and Winona stood in a clearing, surrounded by bunnies. "Thank you so much for helping me, Applejack." said Fluttershy.

Applejack rolled her eyes and asked, "Why are we doin' this?"

"Well, there's a lot of baby bunnies that have been born." Fluttershy explained. "You know rabbits. They love to..." She smiled a creepy grin, "..._mate_." She closed her eyes and went, "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..."

Applejack stared at Fluttershy for a few moments before clearing her throat loudly.

"Oh!" Fluttershy said, getting broken out of her thoughts. "Um...I need your herding skills in order to count them...please?"

"Fine." groaned Applejack. "Let's get this shit over with..."

"Just remember that these are baby bunnies." said Fluttershy. "They scare easily."

"WINONA! SIC 'EM!" yelled Applejack. The dog sprang into action and began chasing the bunnies. "I'll grab the shotgun!"

"Wait!" said Fluttershy. "We just need to count them!"

"They'll be easier to count..." began Applejack, putting her face closer to one of the bunny's. "...When they're dead." she growled.

_Back in Ponyville..._

"Spike? Why are you buying so much soap?" asked Rainbow Dash.

Spike (still wearing his cast), carrying at least 10 bottles of hand soap, muttered, "Never be clean, never be clean, never be clean..."

There was a rumbling noise and the ground started to shake. Rainbow Dash flew up into the air and yelled, "OH MY GOD!"

"What?!" screamed Spike, staring up at Rainbow Dash in horror.

"THE VIEW IS FUCKING GORGEOUS UP HERE!" hollered Rainbow Dash. "Oh yeah, and there's another stampede." she added calmly.

"Is it the cows again?!" asked Spike.

"No, it's...it's...BUNNIES!" yelled Dash.

As the ponies around him began to panic, Spike spotted the swarm of bunnies charging into Ponyville. "No! NO!" he yelled as he attempted to hobble away. Due to his leg, however, Spike was not able to get away in time and was lost amongst the sea of charging bunnies.

_Minutes Later..._

Twilight stared at Ponyville in shock. Bunnies were everywhere, eating flowers and jumping up and down on Spike's broken body.

"What-?" she began.

"THE HORROR! THE HORROR!" screamed a cream colored pony with a red mane.

"Rose?" asked Twilight. "What happened?"

"It was awful!" screamed Daisy. "Wasn't it, Lily?"

"A stampede of bunnies charged through Ponyville!" screamed Lily.

Twilight spotted Fluttershy trying to round up the rabbits. She walked over to her and asked, "What happened?"

Fluttershy slowly turned her head towards Twilight and growled, "**Talk to Applejack. Now.**"

"Ok!" squeaked Twilight in fear.

_Back at Sweet Apple...blah blah blah..._

Applejack was underneath a tree, dazing as she kicked it. "Stupid...trees..." she panted. "Why do we have so many off them?"

"Applejack!" yelled Twilight. "Enough is enough! You launched Rainbow Dash into my glass figures, poisoned half of Ponyville, and made a bunch of bunnies attack the town! YOU! NEED! HELP!"

Applejack kicked the tree one last time and all of the apples on the tree fell into her baskets. "Haha!" laughed Applejack triumphantly. "Who needs help now?"

Big Macintosh, dressed in a sexy black dress and wearing lipstick, walked over to her. "Ah think you do. You've only bucked 15 trees."

"What?" asked Applejack. Big Mac pointed a hoof and Applejack turned to see hundreds of trees laden with apples. "Guh...Buh...FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF FFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCC CCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK K!" Applejack's eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed on the ground, twitching slightly.

"Is she okay?" asked Twilight.

"Oh, she does this every year." said Big Mac. "She says that she can do it all herself, but always ends up overworked. She'll be fine in a few days."

"Ok. I guess the rest of us girls should help with the harvest, huh?"

"If ya'll wouldn't mind. Ah'd do it myself, but Ah'm still hurt."

Twilight nodded and said, "Okay." She started walking away, but turned her head and said, "Oh, and Big Mac?"

"Hmm?"

"That lipstick is not your color."

"Girl, yer just jealous."

_One day later:_

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy worked in the apple orchard, while Applejack was sitting in a chair, watching them.

"Ah hate Applebuck Season." she grumbled.

Spike, in a full body cast and in a wheelchair, rolled up. "Tell me about it."

* * *

**Ah, Spike. Ponyville's #1 Punching Bag.**

**Review or Twilight will judge **_**you**_** on your choice of lipstick color.**


	10. Partners in Pranking

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Lauren Faust, Hasbro, the Hub, and some other people.**

* * *

**Chapter 10: Partners in Pranking**

Rainbow Dash flew pell-mell through the sky, almost reaching Sonic-Rainboom levels of speed. She narrowly dodged two other Pegasi in her mad rush. She looked down at the ground and searched frantically for a place to hide. She spotted an alley between two buildings, and flew down to land inside it. Chest heaving, Rainbow panted heavily as she tried to catch her breath. She had done it. She was safe.

"_**Rainbow Dash…**_"

Dash's eyes widened as she looked towards the entrance to the alleyway where a dark figure was standing. The figure slowly started walking towards her.

"_**Rainbow Dash**_..." said the figure.

Rainbow Dash, no longer having the energy to fly, stumbled her way down to the other side of the alley. Unfortunately, the opposite side was fenced off, leaving Dash trapped. Too tired to climb over the fence, Dash turned around to see that the figure was coming even closer.

"_**Rainbow Dash…" **_repeated the figure. "_**Time for CUPCAKES!**_"

Curling up in a ball, Dash cowered and waited for the inevitable.

"Dashie!" said the figure. "You said you'd make cupcakes with me!"

Rainbow Dash opened her eyes. Pinkie Pie was in front of her, pouting like a child. Rainbow Dash sighed and got up. "I'm not really interested in baking, Pinkie."

"Okay..." said Pinkie Pie. She thought for a few moments. "How about cards?"

"No." answered Rainbow Dash.

"Board games?"

"No."

"Reading?"

"Ew."

"Sex?"

"...Maybe."

"Pranks?"

"N-Wait. Did you just say pranks?" asked Dash with interest.

"Sure did!" said Pinkie Pie. "I'm a Prank Master!" She smiled deviously. "And I have the perfect prank..."

_Later..._

Spike walked out of the library, struggling to carry a mountain of scrolls. He had been in a creative mood lately, and had written several pieces of pornographic short stories under the penname "E. Jack Ulation". Feeling proud of his pile of porno, Spike was on his way to a publishing house by the name of FlanFiction. He was hoping that his saucy scribblings would not be hidden by the thousands of other stories that get submitted to FlanFiction on a regular basis.

Spike breathed in the morning air, reshuffled the erotica in his hands, and took a step.

"NOW DASHIE!" screamed a voice.

Spike doubled over as a familiar blue Pegasus punched in square in the gut. As the wind rushed out of Spike, he accidentally activated his fire breath and sent his porn off packing to Princess Celestia.

"God damn it..." wheezed Spike as he collapsed.

_Meanwhile, at Canterlot..._

"God, I'm sooooooooo bored." said Celestia as she sat on her bed. "I feel like I'm spending time with Luna." She got off her bed and yawned. "Maybe I should start a war with the Changelings. That'd liven things up around here."

There was a flash of green as a scroll appeared. Celestia grabbed it with her magic and groaned. "Something from Twilight? It's probably another research paper about dust or something." She read the name on the scroll. "E. Jack Ulation? Who is that?" Her curiosity piqued, Celestia opened the scroll and read some of the lines:

_"The alabaster mare wiggled her luscious hips suggestively and moaned to her lover, 'Come on! Hurry up and fu-'"_

Blushing slightly, Celestia watched as a massive pile of scrolls appeared in her room and hit the floor with a loud thud. Hearing the noise, the guards outside rushed into the bedroom. "YOUR HIGHNESS!" yelled one. "WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"

Still blushing, Celestia cleared her throat and said, "No need for alarm. I just received some interesting correspondence from one of my subjects."

The other guard looked at the large pile of lewd material and groaned, "I guess we should get all of that out of your bedroom, your highness..."

"NO!" yelled Celestia. Her blush seemed to increase as she looked at the mountain of raunchy reading. "Mr. Ulation went to all the trouble to send me all of this. I should personally read all of them..." She bit her lip and said breathlessly, _"Thoroughly"._

_Back in Ponyville..._

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie laughed as the ran away from the unconscious body of Spike. "That was AWESOME!" yelled Rainbow Dash. She looked over at Pinkie with newfound respect. "I didn't take you for a prankster, Pinkie Pie."

"How did you take me?" asked Pinkie in confusion.

"Wha- No!" said Rainbow Dash. "I meant that I didn't expect you to be a prankster."

"You should of known me when I worked on my families rock farm!" said Pinkie. "I used to tell Blinkie that the rocks were actually rock candy. She broke all her teeth when she tried to eat a boulder!"

Rainbow Dash laughed. She looked at Pinkie and said, "We need to do this again! Who should we prank next?"

Pinkie smiled and said, "I've got an idea..."

_Later that night…_

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie hid in the bushes outside Carousel Boutique. The windows were dark and there were no signs of life inside. "Is she asleep?" whispered Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash flew up to the highest window and peeked in. Rarity was in her bed, fast asleep. Rainbow Dash smirked, flew back down to Pinkie and said, "She's asleep. Did you bring it?"

Pinkie Pie smiled as she pulled up an electric hair clipper. She turned it on and it started to buzz.

_The next morning_

Rarity yawned as she got out of bed. She felt strange and a cool breeze was tickling her scalp for some reason. Confused, she made her way to the bathroom in order to shower and get ready. As she passed a mirror, she froze and was horror-struck by what she saw.

Her beautiful purple man was gone. It had been shaved off, aside from some small purple tufts that were missed. As Rarity gazed at her new hairstyle, she did the only thing she could think of.

She screamed.

_Outside the Boutique..._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH!"

The two pranksters outside burst out laughing at Rarity's scream and ran away from the Boutique. "That was soooo much fun!" said Pinkie Pie. "Who should we prank next?"

Rainbow Dash smirked and said, "I think I now the perfect pony..."

_Later..._

Twilight Sparkle turned to Rainbow Dash and asked, "Are you serious?"

"I'm dead serious, Twilight!" said Rainbow Dash. "This will help you understand friendship a whole lot better! Isn't that right, Pinkie?"

"It's true as blue, Twilight!" said Pinkie Pie. "Everypony loves celebrates their half-birthdays!"

"But still, hair clippers?" asked Twilight as she stared at the object in her hooves. "Why would Rarity want this?"

"Just trust us. You know how Rarity is with her makeovers." said Rainbow. "We already uh..._gave_ Rarity our gift. All you have to do is go knock on the door and tell Rarity that you hope she liked her present."

"Well...okay..." said Twilight. She picked the clippers up with her magic and walked to the door of Carousel Boutique. She knocked and waited for Rarity to answer. The front door opened a crack and a voice growled out, "What?!"

Taken aback, Twilight smiled nervously and held out the hair clippers. "I hope you liked your present Rarity!"

"IT WAS YOU?!" screamed Rarity. She threw open the door to glare at the purple unicorn. Twilight was shocked to see Rarity's mostly shaved head. "_YOU_ DID THIS TO ME?!"

Twilight thought back to Rainbow Dash's and Pinkie Pie's wide grins when they handed her the hair clippers and told her that Rarity would love her present. "Those motherfuckers..." groaned Twilight.

Rarity dove at Twilight and knocked her to the ground.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie giggled as Rarity began beating the tar out of Twilight. "Who else should we prank?" asked Pinkie.

"Hmm..." thought Dash. Her eyes lit up as inspiration struck her. "I know! Follow me!" She flew off and Pinkie followed, leaving the two fighting unicorns.

_At Sweet Apple Acres…_

"THE BARN'S ON FIRE AGAIN?!" screamed Applejack as she and the rest of the Apple family tried to put out the fire. "DAMN IT, CARAMEL!"

"I BlaME the INterNET!" yelled Caramel.

"Awww..." moaned Rainbow Dash as she watched the barn burn. "Caramel beat us to it, Pinkie."

"Mmmmph mmmph." said Pinkie Pie. She was dressed in a red jumpsuit, had a gas mask on, and was waving around a flamethrower.

"Pinkie, I didn't understand a word you just said." said Rainbow Dash. "I have a better pranking idea anyway. Follow me!"

_At the lake..._

"Here you are Mrs. Flounder." said Fluttershy as she fed the fish and animals in the lake. "And there you go Mr. Mallard. Enjoy your food."

"Do you have any pizza?" asked a turtle as he crawled up onto the bank.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Turtle, but I don't have any pizza." said Fluttershy.

"Bogus." said the turtle.

Another turtle pulled up to the shore, only this one was...different. It had buttons for eyes, squeaked, and had a rope connected to it.

Fluttershy raised her eyebrows at the "turtle" and said, "Um...hello?" The turtle sprayed water in her face. "Wh-why would you do that?" asked Fluttershy with tears in her eyes.

In the bushes near the shore, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie started quietly laughing to themselves. "Spray her again, Pinkie!"

Pinkie laughed and nodded.

"Mr. Turtle?" asked Fluttershy.

"Yo!" said the turtle.

"Do you recognize him?"

Mr. Turtle looked at the other "turtle" and said, "Well, he's not Raph, he's not Leo, and he only has a passing resemblance to Donnie. I don't recognize him."

Fluttershy turned back to the "turtle" and was sprayed in the face again. "Please stop spraying water in my face." She was sprayed again. "Stop, please!" She was sprayed again. "Stop!" pleaded Fluttershy.

"One more time Pinkie!" said Rainbow Dash. "I think Fluttershy is about to cry!"

The fake turtle sprayed Fluttershy in the face again.

Fluttershy glared at the turtle. "I...said...STOP!" she screamed. Fluttershy grabbed the fake turtle and started to punch it. "YOU GONNA SPRAY ME AGAIN YOU LITTLE BITCH?! ARE YOU?!"

Mr. Turtle watched Fluttershy's beatdown of the fake turtle and said to himself, "And I thought Shredder was scary..."

In the bushes, Rainbow and Pinkie could only stare in horror as their fake turtle was torn apart by Fluttershy. "Well..." said Pinkie Pie. "That was unexpected."

Rainbow Dash shrugged and the two ponies started walking back to town. "Aw well..." said Rainbow Dash. "That wasn't the best prank anyway."

"Oh!" said Pinkie Pie. "I just remembered that I'm late for work! Bye Dashie!" Pinkie Pie ran off, leaving Rainbow all alone.

Rainbow Dash watched as Pinkie Pie ran back to town. "Well, great. Now what should I do all day?" she asked.

"Hello Dash." said a voice.

Rainbow Dash looked up and her eyes widened. "Gilda?"

* * *

"**I'LL KILL THOSE TWO FOR WHAT THEY DID TO MY MANE!"**

"**AND FOR SPRAYING ME WITH THAT TURTLE!"**

**Review or be on the wrong end of a Rarity/Fluttershy smack down.**


	11. New Bitch on the Block

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: GOD HELP ME, I SEE NOTHING BUT PONIES!**

* * *

**Chapter 11: New Bitch on the Block**

The day had been going rather normally for Twilight. She got out of bed at 6 AM, as usual. She kicked Spike out of his basket and listened to him whine about child labor laws, as usual. She ignored Spike's complaining and forced him to make her breakfast, as usual. After breakfast, she opened her library and waited for somebody to come and check out a book, as usual. Nobody came, as usual.

Until _her_, that is.

"TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT, TWILIGHT!" Screamed Pinkie Pie. "SOMEONE'S BEING MEAN TO ME!" She dashed around the room, crying loudly.

"Can I give them a medal?" asked Twilight, her eye twitching as Pinkie knocked over a stack of books.

"No! I need you to beat her up!" cried Pinkie. "She's mean and grouchy and smelly and she stole my Rainbow Dash from me!"

"…Applejack?" asked Twilight.

"No, her name's Gilda!" Pinkie grabbed Twilight and threw her at a nearby chair. "Here's what happened…"

"Would you look at the time?" asked Twilight. She started to rise out of the chair and said, "I've got to go organize the words in my dictionary…"

Pinkie pushed Twilight back into the seat and continued. "Here's what happened…"

_Earlier that day:_

Pinkie Pie walked down the road and smiled as she took in the beautiful morning. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, Berry Punch was stumbling out of a bar and cussing out any children that crossed her path.

Pinkie was excited. She was more excited than a kid on Christmas morning, more excited than a homeless person winning the lottery, and more excited than a widow that had taken out a huge life insurance policy on her husband. Pinkie was going to hang out with Rainbow Dash again today! She had already thought of some pranks they could pull on the unsuspecting populace of Ponyville. She wasn't sure if some of them were legal (most of them were not), but she was sure everyone would get a good laugh out of it (they would not).

Pinkie looked up in the sky and saw Rainbow Dash's cloud house. "Rainbow Dash!" yelled Pinkie Pie. "Are you awake?!"

Silence.

"Hmmm…how can I wake Rainbow up?" asked Pinkie to herself. She gasped and said, "I know!" She pulled out a boom box and turned the volume up high.

"_Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe-_"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TURN THAT SHIT OFF!" screamed a voice that definitely was not Rainbow Dash.

"Who was that?" asked Pinkie. She gasped. "Maybe it's a burglar! No, maybe it's a kidnapper!" Pinkie Pie swooned and said, "Oh the humanity!" She fell to the ground in a dead faint.

"Humanity!" cried a voice. Lyra ran over to Pinkie Pie and said, "Where are the humans?!"

Pinkie cracked open an eye and said, "It's just a figure of speech Lyra."

Lyra hung her head and walked away sadly. "It's always a figure of speech…"

Pinkie closed her eye and muttered, "Crazy bitch…"

"Hey!" yelled the Not-Rainbow Dash voice. "Who's down there?" A feathered head looked over the side of the cloud.

Pinkie and the eagle-headed stranger looked at each other for a moment before saying in unison, "Who the fuck are you?"

"What's with all the noise?!" yelled another, more familiar voice. Rainbow Dash walked out of her cloud house with a sour expression on her face. "Can't a girl pee in peace anymore?"

"Sorry Dash," said the bird-like stranger, "Some pink bitch is down there."

Rainbow looked over the side and said, "Don't worry. I know that pink bitch." She flew down from the cloud and landed in front of Pinkie. "How's your hammer hangin'?" greeted Rainbow Dash.

"It's hangin'." said Pinkie. "Who's that?" she pointed at the half-eagle half-lion stranger as she landed by the two ponies.

"Oh, that's Gilda. She's a griffon. You know, half-eagle half-lion?"

"I know what a griffon is, Dashie." said Pinkie Pie as she rolled her eyes. "The narration already explained it."

"…Right…" said Rainbow Dash. "Anyway…Gilda's my best friend from Flight Camp. We even ended up going to the same high school." She turned to the griffon and smiled. "Do you remember those days, Gilda?"

Gilda shuddered and said, "Unfortunately. Let's talk about something else."

"Remember the Flight Camp chant?"

"Fuck no." said Gilda.

"Me neither." said Rainbow Dash.

"Sooooo…" began Pinkie Pie, "Do you two want to prank some ponies with me? I've got this idea where we glue a beehive to…"

"Fuck all that noise." said Gilda. "Come on, Dash. You said we could go flying today."

"I did?" asked Rainbow Dash.

"Sure, why not?" Gilda flew into the air. "See ya later, Stink Eye."

"Um…it's Pinkie Pie." corrected Pinkie.

"Whatever you say." Gilda flew away with Rainbow Dash flying after her.

_Now:_

"So she didn't want to hang out with you?" asked Twilight. "So what? I don't want to hang out with you usually."

"Yeah," agreed Pinkie, "But you're an introverted nerd who would rather talk to books than people and the little social interaction you actually get is only because we force you to hang out with us."

"…Good point." conceded Twilight. "Continue."

_Earlier, but not as earlier as the last time:_

Rainbow Dash and Gilda panted as they landed on a cloud. "I…totally…beat you…" panted Gilda.

"Please…I just let you win so you wouldn't feel bad…" denied Rainbow Dash.

"Bullshit…" muttered Gilda.

"Guys!" said a voice.

"…Did you hear something?" asked Gilda.

"Guys, it's me!" said the voice.

"Oh god…the voices are back!" screamed Rainbow Dash as she got into the fetal position.

"Down here!" yelled the voice.

Rainbow Dash and Gilda looked down at the cloud…which now had Pinkie Pie's head sticking out of it.

"Hiiiiiiiii…" said Pinkie.

"Pinkie, how are you doing that?" asked Rainbow Dash, poking Pinkie in the face.

"Ok, ow." said Pinkie Pie, wincing as Rainbow Dash poked her hard in the nose. "I used a trampoline to get up here, but I guess clouds are more solid than I thought because now I'm stuck."

Gilda glared at Pinkie and said, "Let me help you." Making a fist, she slammed it down on Pinkie Pie's head, sending her crashing down to the ground.

"Thanks Gilda…" she groaned.

Gilda huffed and said venomously, "Trampolines are stupid."

_Back to the present_:

"I see…" said Twilight nodding. "You're mad at Gilda because she hit you in the head and made you fall."

Pinkie looked at Twilight in confusion. "What are you talking about? I'm mad because she said trampolines were stupid."

Twilight closed her eyes, trying to will away the headache that was pounding in her skull. "Of course you are…"

_Earlier, but not as early…but later than…than…I'm confused:_

"You okay, Pinkie?" asked Rainbow Dash as she looked at the ground.

Pinkie peeled her face off the dirt and said, "Never better!"

Gilda growled and looked at Rainbow Dash. "Hey Dash," she said, feigning happiness, "Why don't you show me some of your new moves?"

"Awesome!" said Rainbow, flying into the air. "I've got this one that people around here call 'Holy Shit This Cray-Cray Bitch Is Gonna Kill Us All'! It involves…"

As Dash rambled on about her new trick, Gilda flew down to where Pinkie was. "Hey, Pinkie?" she asked. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure!" said Pinkie, trotting over to Gilda. "What do you want to talk abo-URK!" Pinkie gasped as Gilda squeezed her throat.

"Now listen up." growled Gilda. "I want to spend time with Rainbow Dash alone. I'm her oldest friend, her pal, her hetero-life partner, her slightly homo-life partner! I don't need some pink pinheaded pony mucking up my time with her. So here's some advice: Stay away from her or else." Gilda's grip tightened on Pinkie's throat. "Got it?"

"ACK!" said Pinkie, unable to say much else with Gilda strangling her.

"…I'm going to take that as a 'yes'." said Gilda. She let Pinkie go and flew back up to the cloud.

_No more transitions. Please? I'll pay you in backrubs:_

"Pinkie," began Twilight, "It sounds like she's jealous of you."

"So that gives her the right to bogart Rainbow Dash?" asked Pinkie incredulously. "I need my Dashie time too."

"I'm not saying it gives her the right." denied Twilight. "I'm just explaining her reasons. You think she's jealous, right Spike?"

Spike nodded and said, "Aw yeah. Bitch be jelly."

"…Have you been listening to rap again?" asked Twilight.

"Well, great." said Pinkie Pie. "Gilda's jealous so she gets Rainbow Dash all to herself. What do I get?"

"Well…" began Twilight. "You could stay here and check out a book."

Pinkie started laughing. Hard. "Silly Twilight," she said between giggles. "Books are for people without friends." Still chortling, Pinkie Pie left the library.

"…I know…" muttered Twilight sadly.

Pinkie, once she was away from the library, stopped laughing and turned serious. "How am I supposed to spend time with my friend if her friend will disembowel me if I try?"

As Pinkie was lost in her pity party, she unknowingly wandered into the Ponyville marketplace. She heard laughter up above her and saw Rainbow Dash and Gilda flying by.

"I've gotta go do some weather stuff," said Rainbow, "I'll catch up with you in a bit."

Gilda landed and watched Rainbow Dash fly off. Then she turned to the marketplace with an evil grin and-

"WHICH ONE OF YOU FOTHERMUCKERS DID THIS?!" screamed a voice.

All heads turned to see a very angry Fluttershy storm into the marketplace holding the fake turtle that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash made. She glared ferociously at everyone and started going up to random ponies.

"Did you do this, Bon Bon?" asked Fluttershy to the terrified Earth pony. "Cause if you did, I'll slit your throat. How about you Shoeshine?" She turned and glared at the mare. "Did you do this, you freaking slut? And how about you-" She turned and found herself face-to-face with Gilda.

Pinkie was about to go over to the two in order to defend Fluttershy, when something very strange happened.

Gilda looked at Fluttershy and her eyes went wide. "Y-you?" she whispered.

Fluttershy's rage left her as she looked at the griffon. "Gilda?" she asked.

"N-no, no!" screamed Gilda as she backed away. "Y-you can't be here!"

"Gilda, please calm down." said a concerned Fluttershy.

"Stay away from me!" yelled Gilda as she took off and flew away. Pinkie Pie watched the griffon disappear before walking over to Fluttershy.

"What was all that about?" she asked. "Why's Gilda so scared of you?"

Fluttershy hung her head, saddened. "It's a long story…"

* * *

**"It all started a long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long...**"

**Review so Fluttershy can get on with her story.**


	12. The Fluttershy Forgiveness Party

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: ...Don't look behind you. Your neighbor is spying on you.**

* * *

**Chapter 12: The Fluttershy Forgiveness Party**

_A Few Years Ago_:

It was a typical school day at Featherflight High School. Students barely paid attention in class as their teachers lectured, thinking thoughts like "Why doesn't Coach put me on the team?" or "When will Brad notice me?" or "I'm 35, why am I still in high school?"

When the lunch bell rang, most of the students ran out of class, eager to get some food. One student remained in a classroom. She was small. So small in fact, that people often mistook her for a middle school student. She stood up from her desk and grabbed her backpack, in which she crammed her heavy textbooks. She adjusted her glasses and walked out of the classroom.

"Gilda!" said a voice.

Gilda turned and saw Rainbow Dash coming towards her. Rainbow was dressed completely in Wonderbolts merchandise as usual. She stopped in front of the griffon and rubbed her head. "How's it going, small fry?"

Gilda glared up at her friend. "Stop calling me small fry." she demanded as she fixed the feathers on her head. "It's bad enough that everyone else does it."

"Sorry." said Rainbow sheepishly. She cleared her throat and said, "So how was your egghead class today? Anyone start a fire in AP Chemistry?"

"No," said Gilda, adjusting her glasses, "Just the usual nervous breakdowns and crying. It's no big deal. How was gym?"

"Awesome!" said Rainbow. "We played dodge ball, and I nailed Thunderlane in the face with a ball! I think I dislocated his jaw! It was awesome!"

Gilda cringed as she imagined it. "Thanks Dash," she said sarcastically, "That's just what I wanted to think about right before lunch."

"No problem!" said Dash, happily ignoring the sarcasm. Her eyes widened as she remembered something. "Oh, hang on for a sec. I forgot something in my gym locker." She raced down the hallway, leaving Gilda alone.

"Well, well, well." said a horribly familiar voice. "If it isn't the chicken."

Gilda froze. She knew that voice. Everyone knew _that_ voice. "Cutter…" she muttered as she turned around.

Cutter was not a bully. She was an absolute _monster_. Almost everyone was afraid of her, and the few that weren't didn't make a habit of talking to her. Everyone knew her terrifying teal eyes, bloodshot with rage. Everyone knew that it was time to run when they saw her pink mane,. Everyone learned to fear that terrifying Cutie Mark of three butterflies.

Gilda shook as Cutter came closer and closer. "Where's your little girlfriend, Chicken?" asked Cutter. "Did she run away with her Wonderbolts band wagon?"

"She's not here. And we're not officially going out or anything." said Gilda. "How was your Zoology class today?"

Cutter smiled happily and said in a soft voice, "Oh, it was wonderful! We talked about bunnies today and-" Cutter's eyes opened wide as she realized what she was saying. She glared at Gilda and spoke again in her harsh voice, "It's none of your fucking business how my class was. Now, let's see how much money you've got. I need lunch and veggie burgers don't come cheap."

"Veggie burgers?" asked Gilda, raising an eyebrow. "I didn't know you were a vegetarian."

"I'm a pony, you dumb bitch." growled Cutter. "Of course I'm a vegetarian." Her gaze softened as she spoke in a quiet voice again. "Although, even if I wasn't a pony, I still couldn't eat meat. I don't like thinking about my little animal friends being food." She growled as she realized what she was doing. Her glare and voice became harsh once again. "Now stop talking and start forking over cash." She grabbed one of Gilda's wings and started squeezing it. "Or I might have Chicken wings for lunch. Understand?"

"HEY!" yelled a voice. Both Gilda and Cutter looked down the hall to see Rainbow Dash running towards them. "Get off of her!"

Cutter let Gilda go and turned towards Rainbow. "Or what?" she asked. "You're going to blind me with that gaudy Wonderbolts crap?"

"…Bitch," said Rainbow Dash, "Nobody, and I mean _nobody_, talks shit about the Wonderbolts."

"Whatever." said Cutter. She turned and walked away. "I'm not wasting anymore of my lunch with you losers. Have fun with your little girlfriend, Rainbow Crash."

"Have fun fucking animals, Fluttershy." shot back Rainbow.

Cutter spun around, a murderous look on her face. "Don't. Call. Me. That." she growled. She stomped off, muttering, "I won't forget this."

Rainbow smirked and turned back to Gilda. "Soooo…" she began. "Rescue sex?"

Gilda rolled her eyes and said, "Don't push it, Dash." She started walking away, before looking back and saying, "But yes. Rescue sex."

_Now_:

"I never forgot how Rainbow stood up for Gilda." said Fluttershy. "I decided to constantly bully and torment Gilda. I wanted to hurt her in order to hurt Dash." She looked down at the library floor.

"No wonder she's so scared of you." said Twilight. "It sounds like you were a monster to her."

"I was." said Fluttershy, holding her face in her hooves. "I wish I could tell her that I'm sorry for it. But how can I do that without her running away from me?"

"So…" said Spike. "Let me get this straight. Rainbow Dash and Gilda are lesbians?" He grinned. "That's hot."

Twilight glared at him. "Were you paying any attention to the story at all?"

"Only the important parts." said Spike.

"I paid attention to the story too." said Pinkie suddenly. She grinned. "I've got the perfect solution! A party!"

Twilight's glare shifted to Pinkie Pie. "This is serious, Pinkie! We need to find a way for Fluttershy to apologize!"

"This _is_ a way for her to apologize!" argued Pinkie. "We invite Gilda to the party, she comes, and she starts having a good time. Fluttershy will be at the party too and she'll be able to get close to Gilda. She'll apologize and everything will work out!"

"That's…" began Twilight. She paused as she thought it over. "…That's actually not a bad idea."

"Whoo!" cheered Pinkie. She ran out of the library yelling, "It's party time!"

Twilight turned back to Fluttershy and asked, "So how come you don't act like Cutter now?"

Fluttershy looked up and answered, "I was forced to go to therapy after graduation. Why do you think I'm so much more stable than the rest of you girls?" She grabbed a nearby book and, without blinking, ripped it in half.

_The Next Day_:

Ponies wandered into Sugarcube Corner, having been enticed by free cake, social interaction, and the possibility that someone brought some sick blow.

Rarity looked at Applejack and asked, "Why are we here again?"

Applejack shrugged and said, "Pinkie said somethin' about a hippogriff causin' trouble or somethin', Ah don't even know. Ah'm sure we'll figure out eventually. But in the meantime," Applejack looked towards the drink table, "Ah see some Jack D that's just beggin' to get butt chugged."

"Applejack, I am disgusted. And yet, intrigued. Show me more." said Rarity as she followed the farmer.

Twilight watched the two walk to the booze before looking at Fluttershy. "Are you sure you can do this?" she asked.

"I've got to." answered Fluttershy. "I can't have Gilda thinking that I'm still a monster."

At that moment, a pony wandered by. He slipped and splashed Fluttershy with his drink. Fluttershy grabbed him by the throat and threw him out a nearby window.

"I mean," continued Fluttershy as though nothing had happened, "I won't be able to live with myself if people were afraid of me."

"Uh huh…" said Twilight as she backed away in fear.

"Yo!" yelled a voice. Everyone's heads turned to the entrance. Gilda and Rainbow Dash walked into the building, looking around. "Where the butts at?!" yelled Rainbow Dash as she flew into the crowd of soon-to be fondled ponies.

"Gilda!" greeted Pinkie Pie as she bounced to the griffon. "I'm so happy you decided to come!"

"That's what she said!" yelled Rainbow Dash from the crowd.

"Are you super happy to be here!?" asked Pinkie, ignoring Dash.

Gilda glared at Pinkie and asked, "Why are you talking to me when I made it clear yesterday that I don't want you to talk to me?"

"That's fine if you don't want to talk to me…" said Pinkie as she pushed Gilda to the back of the building. "But there is someone who wants to talk to _you_." She pushed Gilda hard and sent her stumbling forward.

Gilda spun around to stare daggers at Pinkie. "You little-"

"Hi Gilda." said a quiet voice.

Gilda froze and slowly turned back around. Fluttershy was standing behind her with a sad smile on her face.

"Can we talk?" asked Fluttershy.

"I-I don't have anything to say to you." said Gilda shakily.

"Then please just listen." begged Fluttershy. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for the way I treated you in high school. I had no right to torment you like I did, and I regret that I did so. You didn't deserve it."

Gilda stared at Fluttershy for a long time. Finally she said, "You did a lot of things to me in high school. A lot of awful things."

"I know." said Fluttershy. "I'm sorry for taking your money. I'm sorry for calling you 'Chicken' all the time. I'm sorry for tar and feathering you, which in retrospect was pretty pointless considering you already were covered in feathers. I'm sorry for spraying you with barbeque sauce and setting my bear friends after you. I'm sorry for trying to get you deported. I'm sorry for-"

"Okay! Okay!" interrupted Gilda. "You're sorry, I get it!"

Fluttershy offered another small smile and offered her hoof. "Can we start over?" she asked.

Gilda stared at the hoof, and then at Fluttershy. She slowly reached out her hand and said, "Sure, Cutter. I guess so."

The Pegasus smiled and said, "Call me Fluttershy."

The two former enemies shook hoofs/talons.

"Sooo…" began Fluttershy, "Forgiveness sex?"

Gilda rolled her eyes and walked away. "Don't push it, Fluttershy." She stopped and turned around to smile. "But yes. Forgiveness sex."

"Oh my god!" slurred a voice. The two turned their heads to see Rainbow Dash, decorated with a lampshade on her head and two mares in her arms, glaring at them…or in their general direction, in any rate. "Are you cheating on me?!" yelled Dash. "You…you…"

Gilda rubbed her forehead and muttered, "Oh god, not again."

"I can't believe you'd…betray my trust like…like…like thissss!" slurred Dash.

"Rainbow," began Gilda, "You literally have two girls around you. You shouldn't talk."

"Is not the same!" bawled Dash. "You knew how I was when we started this whole thing!" She paused and took a drink from a nearby bottle. "You know what?" she asked, glaring at Gilda. "Pack yer shit. Yer outta here forever!"

"Uh huh." said a bored sounding Gilda. She flew up in the air and looked at Dash. "So," she began, "You wanted angry sex?"

"Fuck yes, angry sex." slurred Rainbow. "See you tonight."

Gilda looked at Fluttershy and said, "Don't worry, she does this type of thing all the time." She flew to the door, yelling, "Later losers!"

Twilight and Pinkie watched Gilda leave and then walked over to Fluttershy. "Wait, what just happened?" asked Twilight.

"Short version?" asked Fluttershy. "Gilda forgave me, we agreed to have sex, Dash started yelling at us which turned out to be a drunken ploy for sex, and Gilda left."

"…But she _did_ forgive you?" asked Pinkie.

"Yes."

"Whoo-hoo!" cheered Pinkie Pie. "I throw the best forgiveness parties ever!"

"Guys, guys, guys!" said Rainbow Dash as she flew towards them. "Guess who's drunk?!"

Twilight stared at Rainbow. "You ar-"

"I AM!" yelled Rainbow Dash as she dumped a bottle of booze on her face.

* * *

**"STILL DRUNK YOU MAMMAJAMMAS!"**

**Review or party with drunk Rainbow Dash.**


	13. 1200 Years Ago: Vows and Vengeance

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I only own Dan vs. :(**

* * *

**Chapter 13: 1200 Years Ago - Vows and Vengeance**

_1200 Years Ago:_

"Luna!" said Princess Celestia as she landed by her sister. Her golden armor gleamed in the sunlight as she asked, "How is the battle going?"

Princess Luna, dressed in equally shiny black armor, watched as a Pegasus soldier flew by and promptly burst into flames. "…Could be better." she answered.

Celestia growled as she stomped her hoof, "This battle has gone on for too long. I've already missed _Survivor: Crystal Empire_! If I miss _Equestrian Idol_, I am _so_ going to flip a bitc-"

An explosion rocked the two sisters and sent them flying.

"HAHAHAHAHA! FOOLS!" came a voice. "YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME!"

"I hate that king…" said Luna, her face buried in the dirt.

"You said it." said Celestia, pulling herself out of a tree. "I get first dibs on making him cry like a bitch."

The two got up and looked at the battle. Their soldiers were fighting against the enemy army. The enemy poured out of the castle in droves, paying no mind to the fireballs raining down from the top of the tallest tower.

"BURN FOOLS!" came a shout from the tower.

"I think it's time we end this." said Celestia. She flew off towards the tower with Luna close behind her.

The unicorn on the tower smiled as he watched the two princesses fly towards him. The dark orange king threw back his head and laughed. "You can't stop me!" he shouted. He used his magic to toss more fireballs at the two princesses.

Luna rolled her eyes and used her own magic to destroy the incoming fireballs. "Ha!" she laughed. "Do you honestly think your balls can hurt me?"

"Damn!" cursed the unicorn on the tower. "She destroyed my balls!"

"Luna!" yelled Celestia as the flew closer to the tower. "You should've let me handle those balls! I can deal with balls much better than you can!"

"…You're not talking about fireballs anymore, are you?" asked Luna.

"No I am not." answered Celestia.

"It doesn't matter if you can counter my balls!" screamed the king. "With this," he pointed a hoof to a chain around his neck, which had a pendant hanging from it, "I'll be unstoppable!"

"What are you pointing at?" asked Celestia, squinting her eyes. "I can't see it from here."

"Right here!" said the king, rattling the chain.

"Right where?" asked Luna.

"Here!"

"Where?!" asked Celestia.

"HERE!" screamed the king. "Uh, hang on for one sec." He walked to the edge of the tower and stuck his head over the side. "Can you see it now?"

"Hold on," answered Celestia, "Let me get closer."

Celestia flew forward and stopped when she was right in front of the orange unicorn. She touched the pendant and examined it. It had a red jewel in the middle of it that was giving off an unearthly glow. A small metal alicorn seemed to glare at Celestia as she stared at it.

"With this amulet, I will be able to rule everything! It amplifies my magic tenfold!" gloated the unicorn. He smirked at Celestia. "And guess what? Only I can remove it! There's no way you to stop me!"

"It doesn't come off?" asked Celestia with a raised eyebrow. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." answered the evil unicorn.

"For realsies?"

"For really realsies. Give it a tug if you don't believe me."

"Ok dumbass!" said Celestia as she pulled down hard on the amulet.

The king, caught off guard, flipped head over heels over the edge of the tower. He screamed as he fell to the ground below. In desperation, he rolled around in midair until he was staring up at Celestia and Luna. He shot a beam of red light at the two princesses…which missed completely.

The two princesses watched as the unicorn slammed into the ground and then looked up to see the red light shoot into the distance, where it hit a mountain.

"Huh." said Luna. "You'd think he'd conjure up some wings or something rather than try to shoot magic at us."

"The guy was evil, not smart." answered Celestia. "Now I guess we should stop his army from killing our guys and grab that amulet before someone else does."

Before the princesses could move, they saw a bright light coming from the dead king's amulet…which promptly exploded, taking out the corpse, the amulet, and both armies.

"Well…" said Celestia, looking at the carnage below her, "That solves that problem."

"Everyone in our army just got killed." said Luna. "How does that solve our problem?"

"You can't make an omelet without blowing up a few eggs." said Celestia. "At least we don't have to worry about that king anymore."

_Meanwhile_:

On a nearby mountain, a blue unicorn watched as the two princesses flew off. She growled as she went back to a bundle of blankets behind her.

"Those princesses have killed the king," she said as she approached the bundle, "But this is not over. That beam of light wasn't meant to kill those fools. It was meant to transfer the king's magic." The unicorn used her magic to pick up the bundle. She moved away part of the blankets to reveal the face of a baby. "And it worked. The king has chosen our baby to be his successor." She glared at the distant forms of Celestia and Luna. "I, Queen Trixis, vow that our family will have revenge on you so-called 'princesses'! Even if it takes twelve hundred years!"

* * *

**"I don't know what Luna's so upset about. So all of our soldiers got killed, we won the battle! And I got home in time for _Equestrian Idol_! Everyone wins!"**

**Review or you won't get to vote for the winner of _Equestrian Idol_.**


	14. Moustache Magic

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the fireworks I'm launching at my neighbors.**

* * *

**Chapter 14: Moustache Magic**

"I'm not doing this." said Twilight.

"But why?" asked Spike. "It'll be a challenge for your magic!"

"No. It will be stupid, pointless, and a waste of my time." Twilight turned back to her books.

Spike rushed across the room to stand in front of her. "Please Twilight! I never ask you for anything!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Oh really? What about last week when you asked me for that video game? The one that kept you up for three days?"

"It was a game about Slenderpony!" said Spike. "How could I sleep with him out to get me?!"

"Or the week before that when you wanted that so-called time machine?" continued Twilight.

"The Time Helmet really works!" said Spike. "You put it on and travel through time one second at a time!"

"Or," continued Twilight, ignoring Spike, "What about yesterday, when you needed bail money?!"

"That cop had it out for me!" yelled Spike. "He arrested me just because I'm a dragon!"

"_The point_," said Twilight, "Is that you ask for a lot of stupid things, Spike, and I'm putting an end to it!"

"But Twilight!" whined Spike. "I really really need this! Can't you do me this one favor? Please? I won't bother you for the rest of the day, I swear!"

Twilight paused as she did some quick mental calculations:

Spike + Whatever Idiotic Thing He Wants = No Spike For The Rest Of The Day.

Spike - Whatever Idiotic Thing He Wants = Spike Bitching For The Rest Of The Day.

Twilight eyed her assistant suspiciously. "You won't talk to me for the rest of the day? No whining, no complaining, no waxing poetic or erotic about Rarity?"

Spike nodded and said, "I promise."

Sighing Twilight pointed her horn at Spike and cast the spell. She opened her eyes to see a large, bushy mustache on her assistant's face.

"Whoo!" cheered Spike, stroking his mustache. "This is awesome!"

"Why did you want a moustache anyway?" asked Twilight. "You look like a dragon version of the Monopoly guy."

Spike, admiring himself in a nearby mirror, answered, "Chicks dig guys with facial hair. If I show this bad boy off to Rarity, she'll be all over me like…like…something all over something." Spike walked towards the front door. "I'll be over at Rarity's. Expect me back tomorrow morning!"

"Uh huh." said Twilight, turning back to her books. "Maybe now I can actually get some reading done."

The front door was thrown open as Pinkie and two colts ran in. "SPIKE! CATCH!" yelled Pinkie as she threw an electric razor at Spike.

Spike screamed and fell over as the razor hit him in the face, shaving off his moustache.

"Of course…" mumbled Twilight as she shut her book. She looked over at Pinkie and asked, "What do you want, Pinkie?"

"TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT TWILIGHT-" yelled Pinkie as she bounced up and down.

"WHAT?!" screamed Twilight in annoyance.

"Hi!" said Pinkie as she waved.

Twilight sighed and said, "Hello Pinkie. Was there a reason for this visit, or should I just assume it's something stupid?"

"Yes and yes!" said Pinkie. "Me, Snips, and Snails were walking and saw that someone set up a stage in the middle of town. We thought you and Spike would want to come check it out with us."

"I'm in." said Spike morosely as he got back up. "I don't any plans since _somebody_," he glared at Pinkie, "Shaved off my moustache."

"Well count me out." said Twilight. "I've got a lot of reading to do and-"

"Miss Twilight?" asked Snips.

"What?"

Snips pointed his hoof behind Twilight and said, "Your books are on fire."

Twilight turned around and noticed the alarmingly large fire behind her. "So they are." she observed. She turned back to Snips and asked calmly, "Why are my books on fire?"

"Sorry Miss Twilight…" said Snails, hanging his head in shame. "I'm not very good at controlling my magic yet…"

Twilight sighed as she watched Spike grab a fire extinguisher and rush towards the blaze. "It's fine. Let's just go see what the deal is with that stage so I can come back here and cry myself to sleep. Again."

Spike wiped the sweat from his brow as he looked at the smoldering ashes of what used to be Twilight's books. "At least the fire's out."

"Twilight?" asked Pinkie. "Why is your bookcase on fire?"

"God damn it, Snails!"

_Sometime after two more fires:_

Twilight, Spike, Pinkie, Snips, and Snails arrived at the town square to find most of Ponyville eagerly watching the stage. They made their way to the front of the crowd, where Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Rarity were standing.

"Rarity, what's going on?" asked Twilight.

"I don't know." said Rarity. "I was in my shop, thinking about my dream stallion when I heard that there was a stage here." Rarity looked down at Spike and said, "You know what I love in a man, Spike? Facial hair. I would love a man with a thick moustache."

"Really?" said a depressed Spike. "Well, that…doesn't make me feel like killing myself at all…"

"That reminds me." said Twilight. She turned towards Pinkie and asked, "Why did you throw an electric razor at Spike's moustache?"

Pinkie laughed and patted Twilight on the head. "Oh Twilight, you can't always expect my usual brand of randomness. I gotta keep you little fuckers on your toes."

"…Pinkie, I don't _have_ toes." said Twilight, lifting her hoof.

"That," answered Pinkie, "is why you fail."

"_LADIES AND GENTLEMEN_!" Shouted a voice from the speakers on the stage. "_Prepare yourselves for the amazing feats of magic that you are about to see! You marveled at her in Manehatten. You cheered for her in Canterlot! She blew your mind in Las Pegasus and made you shit your pants in Trottingham! Introducing the great! The powerful! TRIXIE!"_

Smoke flooded the stage and a mare wearing a purple hat and cloak suddenly appeared with a bright flash. She smiled as the crowd ooh'd and awe'd.

The mare shouted, "I am the great and powerful Trixie! I have graced your town with my presence and out of the goodness of my heart, I have decided to show you amazing magical feats absolutely free!"

"Free?" yelled someone in the crowd. "I paid 60 bits to be here!"

"I paid a hundred!" yelled someone else.

Trixie quickly kicked a bag of bits behind the stage curtain. "Let's not get hung up on the details." She cleared her throat and continued, "Trixie has spent years traveling across Equestria, honing her magic! Now, prepare your simple minds as I show you the results of my studies!" She posed as fireworks went off behind her.

The crowd cheered wildly.

"Wow! Real magic!" said someone.

"I know, right?" said someone else. "It's not like 1/3 of our race can do it, or anything!"

"Wow." said Rarity. "And here I thought Rainbow Dash had an ego."

"Oh yeah, Rarity?!" said Rainbow Dash, swaying slightly. "Well…your ego has…you…fuck you." She laughed as she put an arm around Applejack. "Got her there, the stupid biznitch!" She grabbed a bottle next to her and drank from it.

"Dash…are you drunk?" asked Applejack.

"…If I said yes, will you be disappointed in me?"

"Yes."

"Then no!" said Rainbow as she took another swig from her bottle.

Applejack shrugged Rainbow Dash off of her. Rainbow stumbled and fell over.

"Oh god, the world is spinning again…" mumbled Rainbow as she curled up in the fetal position.

"She's been like this since Gilda's party." explained Fluttershy. "She hasn't got her angry sex yet."

"Oh yeah?" challenged Rainbow from the ground. "I bet you haven't got your forgiveness sex yet."

Fluttershy blushed and mumbled, "I wouldn't say that…"

Applejack rolled her eyes before turning back to Twilight and the others. "Ignorin' Rainbow for now, Ah'd have to say that Ah agree with Rarity." She looked up on stage where Trixie was desperately trying to put out a curtain that had gotten ignited by one of the fireworks. "This gal seems like she loves to show off."

"Just because she's good at something doesn't mean she's better than everyone else." explained Rarity.

"…But Rainbow Dash does that all the time." pointed out Twilight.

"True…" said Rainbow as she clumsily got back up. "But unlike her, I _am_ better than everyone else. I'll prove it too!" Rainbow Dash pulled herself on to the stage and pointed a wobbly hoof at Trixie. "Alright you! Let's do this shit!"

Trixie paused in trying to beat out the flames of the curtain with her hat. "Can Trixie help you?"

Rainbow Dash paused. "Why am I up here again?!" she yelled at the others.

"I think you were going to challenge her to something stupid." supplied Spike.

"Right, right!" Rainbow turned back to Trixie. "I challenge you to something stupid!"

Trixie stared at her for a moment. "…Such as?" she asked.

"Oh shit, son." said Dash. She turned back to the others and asked, "What should I challenge her to?"

"Challenge her to flying, ya dumbass!" yelled Applejack.

"Got it!" Rainbow turned to Trixie again. "I challenge you to flying, ya dumbass!"

"…You are aware that Trixie doesn't have wings, right?" asked Trixie.

"That sounds like a personal problem!" said Dash. She grabbed another bottle and took a drink from it. "One for the road!" said Dash as she tossed the bottle away.

"Are you sure you're alright to fly?" asked Twilight, nervously watching her friend from the crowd.

"Don't worry nerd!" said Rainbow as she got ready to take off. "I drunk better when I'm fly!"

And with that, Rainbow Dash took off from the stage and flew up in the air…

…And promptly crashed back onto the stage.

The others watched as Rainbow's face turned an unpleasant shade of green. "Oh god…" she muttered as she put a hoof to her mouth. "Oh god…oh god…OH MY GO-" The crowd cringed as Dash lost her lunch all over the side of the stage.

"Ew…" said Spike. "She even barfs in rainbow colors…"

"Um…" said Trixie, nervously looking at Rainbow Dash. She cleared her throat, smiled triumphantly, and said, "You see? The great and powerful Trixie has used her magic to make this Pegasus sick!"

"Wow!" said Snails.

"That's amazing!" said Snips.

"Um…I'm pretty sure the beer had something to do with it…" yelled someone from the crowd.

"Don't believe me?" asked Trixie. "Then someone else come forward with a challenge! I'll prove to you that Trixie _is_ the most powerful pony in Equestria!"

"Alright," said Applejack as she got up on stage, "Ah'll give it a shot!" Applejack turned back to the crowd and shouted, "APPLE BLOOM! GET MAH ROPE!"

Apple Bloom walked towards the stage, dragging a rope. She threw the rope up into the air and yelled, "Catch!"

Applejack tried to spot the rope, but the sun was in her eyes. "Ah can't see it!" she yelled, covering her eyes. The rope landed on her and she panicked, flailing around wildly. In a few moments, Applejack was tied up in her own rope.

"Damn it, Apple Bloom!" said Applejack as she struggled to get free.

"…" Trixie stared at Applejack for a few seconds before turning to the crowd and laughing victoriously. "You see? Trixie has moved the sun in order to make this pony fail! Trixie's magic rivals even Princess Celestia's!"

"Her magic is so strong!" said Snips.

"She should rule Equestria!" said Snails.

"The sun didn't move any…" said someone in crowd.

"That does it!" said Rarity. She got up on stage and said, "No one makes my friends look like idiots unless I can look better by comparison! I challenge you to…a dress-off!"

"We have to take off dresses?" asked Trixie. "Trixie only did that to pay for her college tuition…"

Rarity muttered something that sounded like "Fucking idiot" under her breath and said to Trixie, "No darling, we must create dresses." Rarity's horn started to glow as she activated her magic. "Like so…"

Everyone watched as Rarity took one of the curtains from the stage and made herself an elegant dress from it.

"Well Trixie?" asked Rarity, modeling her dress. "What do you say to that?"

"…You picked the curtain that was on fire." said Trixie.

Rarity looked at the back of her dress, which was currently on fire. "So I did." she said calmly. "Please excuse me." Rarity walked off stage and walked away. The crowd watched as she disappeared behind a nearby building.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! SOMEBODY HELP ME GET THIS DRESS OFF!"

Spike and several others in the audience ran off, each saying, "I'm on it!"

Trixie laughed uproariously. "Trixie knew that she would get challenged to a dress-making competition! She purposely ignited her own curtain just in case!" Trixie continued to lie to the crowd, "Trixie has a plan for everything! Even if you brought an Ursa Major to confront her, she would still find a way to beat it!"

"We love you Trixie!" yelled Snips.

"You're the best!" agreed Snails.

"Yeah right." said someone in the crowd. "This is stupid."

"There's no way she could beat an Ursa Major!" said another heckler.

"I took off Rarity's dress!" said Spike cheerfully as he walked back to the crowd.

"Spike," began Fluttershy, "We don't normally wear clothes anyway."

"I know!" said Spike. "It's awesome!"

"Is there anyone else that wants to challenge me?!" asked Trixie. "I'll be more than happy to humiliate someone else."

"We've got someone to challenge you alright!" said Spike. "And she'll beat you too! And her name is Twilight-" Spike turned around and noticed that Twilight was no longer there. "Sparkle?"

"Um…she left awhile ago." said Pinkie. "She said she had some reading to do."

"What!?" asked Spike. He ran off towards the library.

With no other challengers, the crowd began to disperse. Trixie heard several passing ponies mutter insults at her.

"Fools." said Trixie. "They'll see soon enough! Trixie _is _the most powerful pony in Equestria!" She huffed and left the stage.

Snails watched as Trixie disappeared behind the curtain. "Snips," he began slowly, "No one believes that Trixie is good at magic. We should help her prove that she's the best in Equestria!"

"Yeah!" agreed Snips. "…How?"

"Hmm…" said Snails as he thought for a moment. "I think I have an idea…"

* * *

**"Trixie is the best pony for reading the end joke! She is funny and very likable!"**

**Review or be forced to spend time with Trixie.**


	15. A Bear of a Problem

**MLP: FML**

**By: Maniac92**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any ponies, baby dragons, or giant bears.**

* * *

**Chapter 15: A Bear of a Problem**

"Twilight!" Spike shouted as he threw open the library door. He spotted her sitting by the window, a massive book next to her. He ran over to her. "Twilight, what was that about?!" he yelled. "Why didn't you challenge Trixie? There's no way she could've beat you!"

"I know that, Spike." said Twilight as she set her book down. She turned her assistant with a frown on her face. "I have the Element of _Magic_, remember? I could beat Trixie with three hooves tied behind my back."

"Then…then why didn't you?!" asked Spike.

"Why should I?" countered Twilight. "I already know that I'm better at magic than she is. It'd just be a waste of time. Time that I could be using to either study or read or figure out how to Pinkie-proof the library."

"But you can't just let Trixie get away with embarrassing our friends!" said Spike. "Plus, she's a total asshole!"

"So is Rainbow Dash, but you don't see me trying to show her up, do you?" Twilight turned back to her book and opened it. "Besides, I'm sure Trixie won't stay in Ponyville for too long. The crowd didn't seem to be all that impressed by her."

"Yeah, but-"

"You know something?" interrupted Twilight. She turned back to Spike. "I seem to recall a certain dragon promising that if I gave him a moustache, he wouldn't bother me for the rest of the day."

"…I have no memory of the event in question." denied Spike.

"Oh really?" asked Twilight. She cleared her throat and said in Spike's voice, "But Twilight! I really really need this! Can't you do me this one favor? Please? I won't bother you for the rest of the day, I swear!" She looked at Spike and said in her own voice. "Remember now?"

"…No."

"You're an idiot." said Twilight. "Fortunately, I _do_ remember that promise. I don't want you to bother me for the rest of the day, alright?"

Spike sighed and said, "Fine." Defeated, Spike left Twilight to her books and went upstairs.

_Everfree Forest- A Few Hours Later_:

"Snails?" asked Snips as he nervously looked around at the dark trees around them. "A-are you sure we should do this?"

Snails nodded as he led the way. "Nobody believes that Trixie did the things she said. We just have to prove that she can."

"Yeah, but isn't there a better way?" asked Snips. "The Everfree forest gives me the creeps."

Snails stopped and shushed his companion. "We're here." he whispered.

Snips and Snails were in front of a dark cave. A loud rumbling sound could be heard inside of it. The two colts gathered their courage and headed inside. Almost instantly, the darkness of the cave smothered the two.

"Snails, I can't see anything." whispered Snips.

"Me neither." agreed Snails. "Hang on." A bright red glow came from Snails' horn, lighting up the cave.

"Good job!" said Snips. "Now let's find that Ursa-"

A low growl came from behind them.

"Major?" finished Snips slowly.

The two colts turned around to see a hellish red eye staring at them.

"Found it!" said Snails happily as Snips ran for the cave's entrance.

_Ponyville- A Few Minutes Later_:

Spike trudged down one of Ponyville's dirt roads and moodily kicked a pebble. "God, this day sucks." he whined. "I lost my moustache, I saw rainbow-colored puke, and Twilight won't fight Trixie." Spike stopped walking for a moment and sighed. "At least I got to take off Rarity's dress. That was a plus."

"AAAAHHHH!" screamed a high-pitched voice.

Spike jumped. "It's not a big deal!" he shouted. "You ponies don't wear any clothes anyway!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAOHMYGOD!" screamed the voice again. Spike looked down the road to see that Snips and Snails were running towards him.

"Hey guys!" greeted Spike as he waved at them. "Where's the fire?"

A massive blue bear suddenly burst through the trees and let out an earth-shaking roar. It glared at the retreating ponies and gave chase.

"Oh…" said Spike, eyes widening. He promptly turned tail and ran towards the library.

Snips and Snails ran to Trixie's cart and pounded their hooves on the door. The door opened and Trixie stuck her head out, glaring at the two. "What do you idiots want?" she asked.

"Hello Trixie!" said Snails happily.

Trixie sighed and said, "Hello. What do you want?"

"Okay," said Snips, "Remember when you said that if someone brought an Ursa Major to fight you, you'd find a way to beat it?"

Trixie stared at the two for a moment before sighing and closing her eyes. "Please tell me you didn't-"

"We found an Ursa Major for you to beat!" said Snails as he pointed at the patiently waiting bear, which raised a paw and waved at Trixie.

"…Well fuck." said Trixie, stepping out of her cart. The monster bear growled and picked up Trixie's now empty cart and threw it. Trixie watched as her home flew into the distance. "Double fuck." she said.

"What do we do, Trixie?" asked Snails.

"Trixie has a cunning plan!" said the showmare.

"Which is?" asked Snips.

The bear growled and took a step closer.

"RUN!" screamed Trixie. The three ponies ran away, the bear in close pursuit.

_Meanwhile_:

Spike rushed into the library and slammed the door shut. "TWILIGHT!" he screamed.

Twilight growled and looked up from her book. "Spike, quiet!" she scolded. "I'm just getting to the good part!"

Spike looked at the title of the book and raised an eyebrow. "You're reading a book named after you?"

Twilight huffed. "Sure, it's named after me. Whatever." She went back to her book and mumbled, "Edward. Just turn Bella into a vampire and fuck her brains out already, you big pussy…"

"Twilight!" said Spike. "You need to come outside! There's-"

"I'm sure whatever's out there can wait, Spike." interrupted Twilight. "I just want to finish-"

"_We _will be finished if you don't-"

"If you'd let me just read-"

"There's no time! You need to-"

"I told you not to bother-"

"I'm only bothering you because-"

"I thought you would keep your promise, but I guess-"

"TWILIGHT!" screamed Spike. "THERE IS A BIG BLUE BEAR OUTSIDE THAT WILL DESTROY THE TOWN IF YOU DON'T MOVE YOUR NERDY ASS NOW!"

"…Run that by me again?" asked Twilight.

A loud roar shook the library, and Spike and Twilight rushed to the window. Outside, the Ursa was rampaging through town as panicked ponies ran for the relative safety of the hills.

"We have to get out there!" said Twilight. She turned to Spike and said, "Why didn't you tell me?

Spike glared at her and sighed. "It's not even worth it…" said Spike as he walked outside.

_Meanwhile…Again…_

"Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shits shit…" repeated Trixie as the Ursa stomped towards her and the two colts.

"So what's your plan of attack, Trixie?" asked Snips.

Trixie's eye twitched. "Besides run away and hope the Ursa is too busy eating you to notice?"

"You can do it, Trixie!" said Snails. "You're the most powerful unicorn in Equestria!"

Trixie gulped and turned back to Ursa. "I hope you're right…" she whispered. She stepped forward and yelled, "Prepare yourself, monster! I am the great and powerful Trixie! The most skilled and powerful unicorn in all of Equestria!"

The Ursa yawned, entirely unconcerned with the loud unicorn in front of it.

"Don't believe me?" asked Trixie, glaring at the Ursa. "Then have a taste of my magic!" Trixie horn gave off a bright flash. The Ursa put its paws over its eyes, roaring in pain.

"You blinded it!" said Snails.

"I did?" asked Trixie in disbelief. "I-I mean of course I did!" She turned around and bragged, "Did you think a big stupid bear could possibly defeat the great and powerful-"

"_Ahem._"

Trixie turned back around, her eyes widening. The Ursa was no longer staggering around in pain and was glaring at Trixie with red, watery eyes.

"Um…" said a suddenly meek Trixie. "What do you say we call it a tie?"

The Ursa responded with opening its maw and letting out another roar. Trixie closed her eyes and prepared for the end.

"Not so fast!" yelled a voice.

Trixie opened her eyes just in time to see a massive rock smash against the Ursa's face. The Ursa stumbled and smashed its head against a nearby building. "What the-" said Trixie. She turned around to see Twilight running towards them with Spike on her back.

"Miss Twilight?" asked Snips. "You saved us!"

"Yeah." said Twilight as she came to a halt. "I bet that attack rocked his world, huh? Get it? 'Rocked' his world?"

Trixie, Snips, and Snails just stared at her.

"That was so bad it hurt." said Spike as he hopped off Twilight's back. "Stop making bad jokes and just kill the damn thing already."

"No!" said Snails suddenly. "We brought that Ursa Major here for Trixie to fight, not Twilight!"

"_You_ brought this here?!" yelled Twilight. "You idiots! Do have any idea what could have happened? You could've killed us all!"

"Guys?" asked Spike suddenly. He pointed at the Ursa, which was getting back up. "Can we yell at them after we kill this thing?!"

Trixie looked at the Ursa and said to Twilight, "I hope you know how to stop this thing, because I have no idea."

"I kinda hoped the rock would finish it off, to tell you the truth." whispered Twilight.

The Ursa stood up growled fiercely. It opened its mouth and let out another loud roar.

"JUNIOR!" yelled a voice.

The Ursa's eyes widened and he muttered, "Oh fuck me…"

If the ponies in Ponyville thought the first bear was big, it was nothing compared to this one. The massive purple Ursa towered above the blue one, and was glaring at it.

"I turn my back for one minute and you sneak out of the forest!" said the purple Ursa. "Not only that, but you terrorized these poor ponies!"

"But Mom…" began the smaller Ursa.

"No buts!" interrupted the huge Ursa. "You're grounded, young man! And don't think your father won't hear about this! Now…" She reached out a paw and grabbed her son's ear. "Apologize to these ponies for the trouble you've caused."

"But they…"

"Now!"

The younger Ursa grimaced and turned to the ponies. "I'm sorry." he said with a voice that heavily implied that he was not sorry.

"Good enough." said his mother. "Now," she started pulling her son by his ear, "Let's go back to the forest so you can think about what you've done."

"Aw, Mom…" groaned the younger Ursa as he was dragged away.

Twilight and the others watched the two monster bears walk away. "…What just happened?" asked Twilight.

"I think the mama bear just saved our asses." said Spike.

A loud cheer made both Spike and Twilight turn around. Rainbow Dash flew towards them with most of Ponyville after her. "That was awesome Twilight!" said Rainbow. "You stopped the Ursa Major!"

"Ursa Minor." said Twilight. "And his mom did more to stop him than I did."

"Yeah, but you hit him in the face with a rock!" said Rainbow. "That took balls!"

"I…don't have any." said Twilight. "And it would have been a lot worse if Trixie didn't distract him."

"Hey…" said Spike, looking around. "Where is Trixie?"

"And where's Snails?" asked Snips.

_Canterlot- Hours later:_

"What did Twilight's letter say, sister?" asked Luna as she walked into her sister's bedroom.

Celestia looked away from the window and sighed. "It looks like Trixis' descendant showed up in Ponyville. From what Twilight wrote, it seems like she didn't receive any of her ancestor's power." Celestia walked towards Luna. "Twelve hundred years ago, we stopped Trixis' husband, King Snailovitch, from invading Equestria. As he died, his power was transferred into his newborn foal. Since then, every time we kill the one who inherited Snailovitch's power, it gets transferred into a child from that family."

"Then that child shows massive magical ability, showing up when they get their Cutie Mark." finished Luna. "I already know this, Celestia."

"I know you do." said Celestia. "But tell me this. If this Trixie didn't receive any of Snailovitch's power, then who did?"

_Hours Earlier- Outskirts of Ponyville_:

Trixie sighed as she looked over the wreckage of her cart. She spotted her hat and cape laying among the debris. She picked up her hat and dusted it off before jamming it on her head.

"'The Great and Powerful Trixie…'" she muttered. "Yeah right…"

"Trixie!" yelled a voice.

Trixie turned around and saw Snails standing a little ways away from her. "Hello Snails…" she said sadly.

"I'm sorry, Trixie." said Snails. "This was all my fault."

"It's not all your fault. Your pudgy blue friend played a part in it too." said Trixie scathingly. She grabbed her cape and threw it on.

"…Sorry…" muttered Snails. "I just wanted to prove that you were the best unicorn in Equestria."

Trixie stared at the ground before saying bitterly, "I knew it was a mistake to come back here."

"Trixie," began Snails, "Why don't you stay?"

"No." said Trixie, walking away from her destroyed cart. "Mom and Dad would never take me back in. I told them I was going to become the strongest unicorn in Equestria and I will. No matter what." She started to walk down the path leading out of Ponyville before turning back to Snails. "Thanks for trying to help, little brother."

Snails smiled sadly as he watched Trixie walk away. "See you around, sis."

* * *

**"My mom just doesn't understand me! She's always telling me to brush my teeth, clean my cave, and stop eating people that wander through the forest."**

**Review or listen to teen bear angst.**


End file.
